❛ ↺ han river

@p. chaeyoung Taehyung’s eyes naturally followed Chaeyoung’s hand as she played with her hair. “It suits you,” he said, another compliment dying at the back of his throat. ‘You look beautiful’ he wanted to add, but would’ve never dared to. Not then. He couldn’t help but wonder — did she even know what color her hair was? Was there someone else in Chaeyoung’s life that would’ve then describe each and every color she sees instead of him? The question was meant to lighten up the tension between them — but had seemed to do the opposite, as now he couldn’t take his eyes off her. 2 years since he last saw her, 2 years since he last held those hands, 2 years since he last kissed those lips. Those lips... his eyes traveled up from the tip of her fingers and up to her face — lingering on her lips for a split of a second before locking his eyes with hers. He swallowed the lump in his throat, his stomach in knots. He had missed her so much... so why did he feel like running away now that she was standing in front of him?

His smile didn’t falter not even one bit, pretending as if hearing her admit she ran away to Australia didn’t affect him at all. He had already known by then — that she ran away. He could never forget the day she left, packing her suitcase and leaving just to never be seen again for 2 years, until that day, that is. As if she didn’t really love Taehyung. Looking back, the day he found out she left was probably also the day he would come to that very bridge, feeling like he had lost everything in life and that he had nothing to live for anymore. But he couldn’t bring himself to jump. ‘Why did you leave?’ ‘How could you leave me?’ he wanted to ask, but instead his grin only widened, wordlessly accepting her answer.

It was troubling, really, how Taehyung didn’t even blink twice at the mention of Junghoon’s name. As if it didn’t matter, as if he didn’t care. Because of course, he should’ve expected it to be her answer; what other reason would she have to be there? Not like she would’ve imagined she would meet Taehyung there of all places. He didn’t even know she was back in town, didn’t even know if she would’ve reached out to him if it wasn’t for their little unplanned meeting. Would he even want to see her again if she called him?

‘Goodbye’ — she crossed the ocean for a chance to tell Junghoon goodbye again, yet couldn’t even bid one to Taehyung himself before she left, ironic. Even in that moment, when they were finally reunited Taehyung couldn’t forget how betrayed and hurt he felt back then. “When... when did you come back?” he finally dared to ask, deciding it was better if he didn’t say anything about Junghoon. He didn’t want to talk about him. “Will you... go back to Australia?” Turning to look back up at Chaeyoung again he wasn’t expecting to find her crying.

His hand instinctively reached to wipe her falling tears as he did many times before in the past, stopping mid motion as realization hit him — right, they were no longer... a thing. It was absurd how he wanted to believe he didn’t care about Chaeyoung anymore, yet the sight of her crying made him wish to do nothing more than pull her into his arms. He had to remind himself that she was the reason he was even there in the first place. If he had never met her none of that would happen; they would have never fallen in love, they would all still be happy, Junghoon would be happy, Junghoon wouldn’t have di- ‘I missed you’ she said, and just like that all the walls Taehyung built collapsed. It was unfair how those three simple words had the power to shake up his world. How it made his heart miss a beat, and at the same time made his hands tremble in his lap. She missed him too. All that time he thought she left for good — that she didn’t care for Taehyung anymore.

“Hey. I missed you too,” his voice broke ever so slightly as he spoke. And oh... did he miss her; no words in the world could describe how much he missed her. But it was always easier to pretend he didn’t, he had to carry on, move on. Maybe... he didn’t love her anymore, but he could never stop missing her, if not as a lover then as a friend. He missed his friend. “Stop crying, you will ruin your makeup,” he chuckled dryly, never one to stay serious for too long. Even if he himself was broken inside — he still wanted the people around him to be happy. Even if he would never meet her again, he wanted to see her laugh one last time. “I haven’t actually, I’ve been checking every day for nothing! So maybe it just you who got shorter...” he patted the railing, as if offering Chaeyoung a seat with a fond beam on his face. He wasn’t too sure if she would take on his offer, but hoped she will.

@k. taehyung when chaeyoung had flown back into the country, she had planned out a 25 step plan for a perfect reunion with taehyung. one that would end with them as friends and him hopefully forgiving her for leaving him without even a goodbye. however, his unpredicted presence on the bridge had shattered not only her planned reunion but her closure with junghoon. it would be a lie if she didn't acknowledge that a part of her wanted him gone.

as if god had heard her thoughts, taehyung started to lean into the open air to follow the cigarette that had now fallen out of view. horror struck her face and before her brain could even comprehend, his nimble fingers wrapped around a metal bar of the railing and pulled himself back in. shocked at what could've just occurred, the girl almost didn't even realize that taehyung and called out her name. it had been such a long time since she had heard her name spoken by his voice. it felt some welcoming yet strange.

her attention focused his smile. oh his smile.. it lacked a certain sense of genuine happiness, and was perhaps even a bit....saddening, but it was still the same grin she had grown to love. arguably her favorite physical trait of his. in the past, she could've gone on and on about how seeing his grin widen whenever he saw her was the most heart-melting feeling she had ever experienced. but now...it gripped her heart in pain, and perhaps even bitterness.

with an anguished gaze, she watched him meticulously jump over the smooth railing that had once separated them. he had done this before..she could tell.. 'did he come here often?' she wondered. as he stood tall, chaeyoung had thought just seeing him over the railing was overwhelming, but now, with his full self right in front of her, her mind struggled to piece words together. it took a few seconds before she comprehended his question. "oh..this?" her hand reached for a strand of her hair and draped it over her shoulder. "yeah...i've been dying it this color since i went to..australia.." the last word came out barely a whisper. in embarrassment of acknowledging that she had ran away, and to a whole nother continent of all places, she wanted to look away, but his dagger like gaze froze her in her place.

"me?" of course she knew he was talking about her, but anything to stall while she tried to think of a well-worded answer. but despite her desires, her lips blurted out, "junghoon..". she automatically regretted saying his name out loud, but it was the truth. "i'm here...for junghoon. why else would i be here." the last phrase unconsciously came out in a bitter tone. she hated that taehyung put her in this uncomfortable situation just by being here. "i...wanted to say goodbye. i thought it was time since i'm back and everything.." breaking her stare, she looked out over the river. even though many had fallen to their death at the very place she was standing, including junghoon, the calmness of the water provided her with a sense of serenity. the warmth made her want to think that her late boyfriend was there with her, but the thought was quickly broken by reality. why would the ghost of someone want to comfort the person that had driven them to death.. the sudden shift in thought finally released the tears that had been forming since she had stepped on to the bridge. the water slowly pooled in the corners of her eyes before silently falling down her face in a rippled pattern.

"i'm sorry i don't even know why i'm crying." her palm reached up to wipe away the single stream that had formed on her cheeks. "but um..hey." she turned back to face him with a trying smile. "i missed you." and that wasn't a lie. it was true that she had barely thought about the boy since she had stepped onto the plane that flew her away from all her troubles, but seeing him again brought back all of the memories and emotions that she had learned to feel with him. the tears must have washed away all of the bitterness she felt for him because suddenly it felt like time hadn't passed and had gone back even, and that they were just simple minded young lovers once again. it took everything in her power to not fall into his embrace and take in his comforting scent while letting all of the built up pain tear down her face. instead, she stood up straight in her spot, feet together, hands clutching onto her purse's handle together. "how have you been? you grew taller huh?" a pained grin stretched on her face. the two were once the happiest couple on the planet. hand in hand, they had adventured throughout the city of seoul or happily laid in each other's arms while filling the other's mouth with laughter. he had been everything she wanted and more. but now, they stood an arm's length apart, asking questions that only strangers asked each other.

@p. chaeyoung It was funny in a sense how the place he grew to loathe the most was also the place he would go to when his world fell apart. That place held some many bitter memories that Taehyung often wished he could just forget, but at the same time it was a place that served a solid proof of his consequences. He already came there so often that this place didn't seem as gloomy as it once used to be. It was a selfish wish to find comfort in his best friend who was no longer with him. Was Junghoon watching over him at that very moment? Would he hate Taehyung for coming to visit him? Or would he be happy to see how miserable Taehyung was?

He looked up to the starless night sky, hoping to find answers endless questions running through his mind, but found none. Another drag from the cigarette, a puff of smoke. It wasn’t often he would resort to smoking, but on days like that day he found out he had no other choice. There was a song humming on his lips, lyrics mumbled around the cigarette in his mouth, singing out of tune.

Too deep in thoughts, he didn't register the presence of the other person. Two sudden knocks on the railing he was leaning on were all that it took to snap him back to reality, making him jolt in his seat, nearly losing his balance. The cigarette he was holding between his fingers fell down, and if it wasn’t to Taehyung’s quick reflexes he would’ve ended up following a similar fate. “Oops.” And really, it shouldn’t be funny, he shouldn’t be laughing, yet he couldn’t help but find the situation amusing; he who was there pondering whether or not he wanted to jump or not — was still scared of falling. Maybe he wasn’t even brave enough to do that.

He turned around to face his unwelcomed company, expecting it to be an officer who stopped by to check on him — that happened before — but the female’s voice was all too familiar. Chaeyoung. His laughter died out at once, but his lips were still stretched into a small grin. It seemed so surreal, how could she be here? Standing right in front of him after all those years. If Taehyung wasn’t as sober as one could be at that moment, he would’ve easily believed it was just his mind playing tricks on him. Yet— she looked so different, not like the Chaeyoung Taehyung remembered, not a Chaeyoung he would’ve been able to imagine. It had been 2 years since they last met, and even if Taehyung never stopped thinking of her for a second — he never thought about how she would’ve changed, how maybe she wasn’t the same girl he once foolishly fell in love with. It hurt to even consider how much of this new Chaeyoung he would never get to see, how he didn’t even know the person he was once the closest to. He expected to feel wrath, sorrow — how dare she leave him like that? Only to come back 2 years looking as beautiful as ever, while Taehyung himself had never looked worse, outwardly about to take his own life. But he could never truly hate her.

“Hi...” he said in return, looking a little dazed from her sudden appearance. He hated how much he loved seeing her again, hated that there was nothing to prepare him for their encounter. He didn’t think he was ready to face her again, but fate had already proved it didn’t give a about Taehyung’s wishes. It would’ve been a lie to say he wasn’t happy to see her, but would also be a lie to say he wasn’t struck with dread. “... Chaeyoung,” the name felt too foreign coming from his own mouth, like he no longer held the right to say it. He pushed the negative thoughts to the back of his mind; the last thing he wanted was to say something out of place, something that would make her run away, again.

While his mind was in a complete chaos — there was no sign of sentimentality in the way he carried himself; no nervousness, no contentment, no nothing. It was as if all trace of emotions was wiped off his face, only the little, mulish smile remained. He was never one to show how he felt, never knew how to; all he knew was how to pretend everything was fine, that he was okay. But for once, Taehyung liked to believe his smile was a sincere one.

There were countless questions sitting at the tip of his tongue; ‘What are you doing here?’ ‘When did you come back?’ or even a simple ‘How are you?’ — yet they all seemed out of place, forced, so unlike Taehyung. “Did you dye your hair?” was the first question he ended up blurting in the end, snickering to himself as he jumped over the railing. He walked towards her, stopping only a few steps away, although he wanted nothing more than to have her in his arms again. Instead, he sat down on the railing, not daring to take his eyes off Chaeyoung as if she would disappear into thin air if he even dared to blink.

“What are you doing here?”

@k. taehyung ‘he was gone too soon…and it was all my fault..'
that phrase rang through her head as she crossed the pedestrian crosswalk. the han river was always a popular site late in the day, and today was no different as she made her way through the tens of other citizens that were coming and going in all directions. they all blurred by her in a flash, but she knew each and every one of them held an important story whether big or small. as she stepped off the road and onto the sidewalk, she wondered how important her story must be. how important her friends' stories were. how important..junghoon's story was.
even though she had now only arrived on the edge of the han river, the strong summer breeze that always decorated the park blew through her hair and dress. it carried a scent of peacefulness that matched all of the couples strolling by the waters which brought a saddened smile to form on her lips as it caused her to reminisce the reason she here: junghoon.
it had been two years since she last came to this place, and she remembered it as a chaotic crime scene with police and government officials scrambling to find a body. lifeguard boats searching the waters, police dogs roaming up and down the area, and her, shriveled up on the concrete floor choking on words as an officer tried to question her. it had taken her two years out of the country and away from everything that reminded her of home to finally find a sense of peace. after countless therapy sessions and overcoming her nightmares, chaeyoung decided that she could finally get over the guilt of junghoon's death which then led her to this moment: walking towards the same bridge where her ex took his life. she had deemed it was finally time to find closure. but, even after convincing her parents that she was now okay and had gotten over the traumatic moment, the girl still had the occasional nightmares of guilt. so with her therapist's advice, she had come to say goodbye on her own terms. to end and walk away from the past that kept her back for the past two years.
clenching her fists tight, and swallowing down the last of her doubts, she made her way through the park and towards the bridge. with the actual bridge being a road for cars, most people stayed underneath where the park was, so thankfully she could find peace alone - exactly the way she had planned it. gliding her hand down the railing, she made her way forward on the small pedestrian sidewalk one step at a time. as her feet brought her closer to the center, her whole body started to feel heavier and heavier. 'did i make the right choice to come here? am i actually ready to say goodbye? am i even on the right bridge?' her eyes widened with silent worry and wondered out off the bridge. it was then when she realized how high up she was. if it was at any other moment, she would've enjoyed how spectacular the view was with the city sky line stretching away in front of her and the han river majestically cutting through the city. but, all she could feel was pain as a thousand thoughts formed in her brain. 'how could he have jumped from so high up...' once again, she completely blamed herself for his death. 'if only she had never met him. if only she had never showed interest. if only she had turned down his confession. if only she had never chea--' her latest thought was cut short by something she spotted only a few meters down the bridge.
"oh my god" a small whisper fell out along with her heart. "junghoo--" for a split second, her delusional eyes had deceived her to make it seem like the person hanging off the bridge was the one and only cha junghoon. 'it couldn't be' she thought. she could suddenly feel the sudden formation of tears and closing in. in denial, she clenched her eyes shut before opening them again to have a better look. her renewed view made a part of her wish she never snapped out of her delusion while another part felt...nothing...and everything. "kim taehyung.." the name slipped out so naturally as she called out to the individual. there, where she once thought sat her ex, was another man of her past.
as if in a trance, her small steps brought her closer while her heartbeat raced out of control. it seemed like with every heartbeat, another thought was birthed into her already jumbled mind. 'why is he here? how are you? are you going to jump? what are you doing? you changed your hairstyle. i like it. smoking huh? again..what are you doing here...? i missed you.....'
a part of her felt rage like no other. 'how dare he be here so casually and what in the world was he thinking swinging off the bridge so casually. and smoking? doesn't he know how bad that is for his lungs?' his presence ruined her whole plan to find closure. but another part felt bittersweet. she realized that she hadn't even thought about the boy when she had left thanks to all the guilt that had inhabited her mind, and seeing him brought back all of the memories that they had made together. however, memories came in all forms, and while the sweet ones lifted a corner of her lips, the tragic ones scrunched up her nose in discomfort.
it didn't seem like he had noticed her standing there and she kind of wanted it to stay that way. but she knew that she would have to confront her past at some point. even though the name kim taehyung was another part of her nightmares and was most definitely not part of her initial plan, she decided to step forward. teeth clenched, she gently knocked on the metal railing twice to announce her presence. "hi"

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@p. chaeyoung Days turn into weeks, which turned into months, which turned into a year, and before Taehyung even realized it had already been two years. Two ing years. They said it would get better with time, they said it would be okay; empty promises that he had no choice but to cling to for dear life as they were his forlorn ray of hope. But promises like promises are meant to be broken; things never did get better. Two years went by in a blink of an eye, even he would admit in those two years he came a long way, he was no longer the same Taehyung he was before. But while he himself changed, his feelings didn’t. Or rather the lack of them. The same thoughts were still haunting his mind, since that... day, he didn’t know what peace was anymore, didn’t even dare to wish for it.

The permanent grin always plastered on his face was, apparently, not so permanent after all. Everyone knew him as a boisterous guy, he was the life of every party, that kind of person who always seemed to smile regardless of how hard he was having it. It was the side of Taehyung only few knew, one that he often pretend didn’t exist, because it was easier. He didn’t like feeling weak, and didn’t like other people knowing how weak he was.

To someone like him, there was no such thing as ‘bad day’ — all days were constant; dull and lifeless each in their own way. So even he himself couldn’t explain why it was that particular day that he felt so restless. It was nearly 2AM and with each tick of the clock another drop of Taehyung’s sanity seemed to waste away into nothing. His eyes were wide open, staring blankly at the ceiling in front of him, the stillness of the night was slowly driving him insane. He knew right from the start, that night he just wouldn’t be able to sleep no matter what. He was laying down, still wearing the same clothes he wore to class that day, almost as if he just knew there was no point in getting changed. Kicking the blanket off him, he grabbed his bag again before setting off for the night.

The midsummer air hit his face as soon as he left the dormitory building, the mugginess offering no comfort in his attempt to de-stress. His mind was devoid of thoughts but his gut twisted in discomfort. He didn’t even realize where he was going, almost in a trance, his legs dragging sluggishly on the asphalt in the all too familiar scenery. It wasn’t his ‘safe place’ — far from it — yet those days he found himself paying the very same bridge frequent visits, whether intentional or not. This damn bridge.

“,” is all he said upon realizing where he was. The colorful signs hung on the railing were almost a mockery in his eyes. ‘Are you okay?’ ‘Did you eat?’ ‘How was your day?’ With each passing sign Taehyung was gradually getting more and more anxious; they were there in the first place to make people feel better, so why did it make him want do nothing more than jump off right off that fence? His footsteps got faster before he sprinted off, running along the bridge’s sidewalk. He ran until he was breathless, tripping over to lean on the fence, panting heavily. A sign across the road caught his attention, he didn’t recall ever seeing it before. The honks of the cars as he was crossing the road were the least of his problems; perhaps a part of him didn’t even care if he were to die right at that spot. It didn’t matter. His eyes were glued on the yellow sign that read ‘Do you have a secret?’ and really — it shouldn’t had affected Taehyung the way it did, yet he couldn’t stop himself from clenching his hands into fists, filled with the urge to tear the damned sign down, incitement. Instead he kicked the nearest hotline telephone before running further down the bridge. Maybe, the only thing he will ever be good at is running away from his problems.

With practiced ease he leaped over the railing then sat on the ground, legs dangling off the edge of the bridge; so close to his promised, wishful death yet so far away. It wasn’t the first time he found himself in that position, playing this dangerously addictive game of life and death, and he was positive it wouldn’t have been the last. There was a sense of thrill and serenity in knowing he could easily end it all here, if he really wanted to. Like him. Just like him. Maybe that day wouldn’t be today, but one day he would be the one putting an end to his misery, if he wouldn’t find any other way out.

The shakiness of his hands was the cue for him to fish out his lighter and cigarettes, lighting up the last one remaining and throwing the box into the river beneath him. Taking his sweet time with each drag and deep inhale of the cancerous stick, more than ready for this dreadful day to be over already.