✬ twice

@do kyungsoo ❜ ᵈᵒ i sigh loudly when i reach the kitchen, feeling the weight of a thousand burdens crash upon me all at once. this was wrong, so, so wrong. not even in my selfishness was i clouded from that fact. you weren't the one i wanted but yet here i was clutching on to memories of another man through you. i rest my head against the kitchen wall, leaning against its support as my legs turn weak; tears welling up in my eyes. i stay there for a few moments, taking in deep breaths to calm my heavy heart before i turn the coffee machine on, staring woefully as the drink trickles into the cup. my answers weren't here but for these few minutes, i could act as if they were.

after what seemed like forever to me, i walk back into the living room, donning a delighted countenance as i place the flowers in a vase i had picked up in the corridor. eyeing them in admiration i finally mutter out, softly, sweetly even, "they really are so pretty kyung. thank you." my gaze flickers to meet yours then, a wistful smile gracing my features as i recognise his eyes in yours, "how would you like your coffee? black? with milk? sugar or no sugar?"

@kim dahyun ❜ "you know me well." playfully pinches your nose, laughing; my smile becomes wider as you peppered my face with kisses, humming delightly in response. "alright. just call me if you need help, okay?" i watched you leave in a hurry and leaned back on the couch, releasing a heavy sigh. the time alone given to me gave me a chance to clear my thoughts. it bothered me a lot yet i knew i had to make a decision now. taking out my phone, i opened the unread messages i had in my kakao, my fingers briskly pressing the letters as i enter send. 'stop it before it gets worse, soo. you're not him. you'll never be like him.' it said, and something inside me just ticked. like a switch and maybe that statement enough was a wake up call to me; yet there's always a part of me tugging my conscience that if i try hard enough, i could fix it? what's there to fix, anyway?

looking around the empty living room, i assumed we were the only ones around at the moment. glancing at the door you entered in, i stared at it for a minute or so. my phone rang again. 'i hope you remember you never asked her to be official with you, soo. you're just making a joke out of yourself.' it read. i closed my eyes and sighed heavily again, releasing all the penned up tension i've been feeling. i opened my eyes. he's right. and now all i gotta do is ask.

@do kyungsoo ❜ ᵈᵒ lets out a tinkling laugh at your words, evidently amused by them, "you'll pull out the mechanical pencil, won't you?" i push you lightly to sit on the couch, small hand resting on your shoulders to keep you there as i lean down to peck the very corner of your heart-shaped brims. "stay here instead okay? make yourself at home. i'll get your coffee ready in the mean time!" i scurry off then to fetch a vase, hoping that by keeping you in one spot i had kept my secret hidden well enough.

@kim dahyun ❜ i looked at you tenderly, this time my smile becoming genuine as i stared at you. yet, there's a part of me that wihspered i shouldn't even feel this way. look at you this way. i pushed those thoughts away. i decided to deal with it later. a soft chuckle escapes my lips, shaking my head, "i'm a big boy, i could fight them if they try." i said in a jokingly manner. entering your dorm, i didn't forget to give you a quick kiss on the cheek in return. "you're welcome. i'd like some coffee, please? and do you want me to help you find a vase?" i rasied an eyebrow.

@do kyungsoo ❜ ᵈᵒ i continue to keep up the faux elation on seeing you, arms snaking around your neck with the ease of practice. my gaze flickers to the bouquet you hand me, large brown orbs betraying me for a moment as something darker flickers within their depths. taking the flowers, i flash you a small smile, tiptoeing to allow me to plant a tender kiss on your chin, "they're beautiful kyung, thank you."

hums under my breath for a few moments, under the guise of admiring the bouquet though my eyebrows knit together. i pull away from you gingerly, hand reaching out to take yours in it before i tug you gently inside, closing the door behind you. "standing outside is a bit of a risk after all," i explain in a rushed manner, "can i get you anything while i find a vase for these? coffee, tea, juice or just water?"

@kim dahyun ❜ looking around as i waited, my mind went blank as it started to be filled with lots of thoughts. my mind told me to back out, run, and ditch her before she opens the door, yet a selfish part of me wants to stay and have this date. it didn't matter if i knew or not. i'd still stay even if... i sighed. will i really stay? the more thoughts entering my head, the more it made me insecure. yet before i could make a decision, the door opened, making me jump a bit in surprise.

looking at you with wide eyes, i mindlessly wrapped my free arm around your waist like i usually do when we see each other, closing the gap between us. "babe," i exhaled, snapping back into reality as i forced a smile, "i missed you too so much. here, flowers." i kept the smile on my face, hoping it was enough to cover my blank state a while ago. i stretched my arm, handing the bouquet to you.

@do kyungsoo ❜ ᵈᵒ i stand in front of the mirror, eyeing the reflection that stared back at me blankly before i let out a loud sigh, straightening out the floral dress i had chosen to wear. pulls my hair up into a sloppy ponytail as my composure cracks, a wry smile growing on my lips. i wasn't doing the right thing. i was bad for him just like i was bad for the one that preceeded him. but i had to be selfish, right? so what if he got trampled in the process so i could be happy again... right?
the knock to my door snapped me out of my daze, quickly smacking a little blush on the apples of my cheeks and putting on some lip gloss before i hurry to the door opening it and suddenly donning a bright grin as if nothing was wrong, "kyung! i missed you!"

@kim dahyun ❜ my heart pounded fastly, feeling nervous as i near your dorm. i adjusted my black cap, pulling it downwards to avoid from getting noticed as i pass by a few people along the way. i had a small bouquet of red roses on my hand yet it feels like it will fall anytime soon as my hands started to get jittery. "calm down, soo." i told myself once i stood in front of the door. sensing how off i am tonight should be the last thing to happen. i shook my head. no, it can't happen. curling my hand into a fist, i stretched it out and knocked loudly three times and waited, taking deep breaths to calm myself down.

shuffles to the fridge