➟ charity center

@[H] Choi Daesu The ball that once stopped rolling was now handed onto her—and ultimately, she needed to make a decision. As he stepped back, fully releasing his hold from her—Jinah found herself missing the momentary warmth brought by his embrace. It was a poisonous form of comfort, or so to seem, but amidst it all—it was addicting. Painfully addicting. The string of broken sobs continue to serenade the room as worn-out souls found themselves desperately reaching out to one another, not knowing what lies at the end of the tunnel.

The minuscule strands of hair planted on her body tensed, and the frost pierced through her veins and traveled to every inch of her body. She stood still. The weight of the universe rested upon her shoulders only to amplify her screaming resolve resonating at the back of her head. Now that she was out of his touch, she wanted to surrender herself to the depths of the turf. There was no danger in falling, especially in the void where the body floats amiss and you are left without any clue of where to go. If only land was as tranquil and welcoming like nothingness, she would have let go. She would have—but it was difficult when it was about the man who first taught her what love meant.

Love meant loving the many versions of him that he would continue to outgrow.
Love meant living through the constant wars he had with himself, with her standing as his fortress.
Love meant acknowledging his flaws, softening his thorns, and planting new seeds of the colorful rainbow.

Love meant him and him alone. Daesu was the only man capable of making silence feel like music, making a relationship feel like oxygen, and making a conversation feel like growth. And she believed in that until this very day.

There was no doubt in her heart that she belonged to him.

And with that said, she swam. As the wave thickens and the water runs deep for both of them, she floats. Happiness does come in waves, after all. What good would it do if she were to dive against the current? Futile was it to risk their sanity for a situation this rocky. Heaving a deep sigh, she stepped closer and held his hand in hers—allowing herself to calm down under the spell of his warmth once more. Tear-drenched orbs gaze upon his, and a weak smile meekly lightens her pained visage. Oh how badly she wanted to hug him this very moment and reassure him that it was okay, but for all that was worth, she knew hers. And she also knew that he was more than aware of that. “I understand, Daesu,” she starts off—her voice shaky as she fights hard to keep sniffling, “...but this is too much for me to take in. I hope you’ll allow me to think about it.” Squeezing his hand, she gracefully let go.

This was what they needed: a space to paint the bigger picture that they needed to see. And she believed that flowers will grow from her losses. He was either a lesson or a good omen—and she could only hope, within the chambers of her heart, that he was the latter. An omen to a future bright and armed with redemption just as how the radiant rays of the sunlight gracefully dance upon the lush viridian beauty of the Earth’s canvas. “Take care of yourself. Let’s talk again soon.”

Gently spinning on her heel, she turned her back against him and went further into the room towards another. The creaking of another door shut was the last remnants of a chance hanging afloat. It was only a matter of time before one or both of them grabbed onto a renewed future. But for now, the future remains a story untold as the present rebuilds itself once more.

@Im Jinah When towering doors of mahogany revealed her before him on that faithful day, he knew she was the start of spring, an ethereal bloom that rose in a field cursed by winter’s harsh nature. She was radiant in all her glory, exuding such grace whenever she smiled, speak or just about anything she does. That very woman was to him, unmatched by any. But it never crossed his mind that at some point, he will be the one to pull her out of her ground. Her face was rid of any emotion, the joy she once wore on that heaven sent face stolen. The life in her eyes were gone and only tears took over, ones he couldn’t even bare to look at. There was this silent scream of pain as they traveled down her cheeks and he could tell. It was all because of him. Who can blame her if she can’t accept his words and extend mercy to a man who probably deserve none? No one. But to be dauntless is the only option he can cling to, in hopes that she’d see through his heart that sincerely begged for another chance he would dare not waste again. For long he had kept his walls high, not allowing anyone to see beyond a well-built facade and that included her yet there he was, all too vulnerable, weak and needing her more than ever.

Hope peeked in a split second for the male as he felt her hands hold his. He thought that maybe, just maybe, she opened her heart and mind once more. But what little hope was thrown to the gutter as soon as she spoke, every word digging a grave of guilt that perfectly suited him. This was all he ever amounted to. No words dared to leave his mouth, processing every single thing she said. After a while of gathering enough strength to look at her, his shaking hand reached out for her face, wiping the unstoppable stream that flowed down her pinkish apples. The warmth of those liquids enough for his own to overflow, blurring the awful sight of her hurting. Forcing himself to speak what’s left, what little he could come up with. “I don’t know how many times I have to repeat myself but like what I’ve said, those were all lies for you to hate me enough to leave on your own.” He paused, for a moment, his then crimson lips quivering. “And if there was any hostility, it was towards myself. I knew full well that you’d be hurt with what I felt like I needed to do.” Taking a deep breath, he continued. “I was considering Naeun too. Yeon is still her mother. I dreamt of a whole family for my daughter and it’s foolish to think that it’s only possible with her real mother. I had to learn that in a hard way.”

With every hit he received, albeit light compared to what he deserved, made him feel as if he was totally drifting away from what he hoped and prayed for, drifting away from the woman he was clinging on for life. It all reflected the damage that had been done. No way was there to turn it all around. Maybe he was really making it hard for her. Maybe she doesn’t have the same heart for him and maybe, to pursue her continuously would only take a toll on her. Every blow, he took in, surpassing physical aspect. Daesu stepped back, head hung low as he sobbed for the first time in front of her. Torn as ever.

“Sorry if I’m making it hard for you. If all I ever cause is pain. All i want is for you to hear me out. I’m leaving it all to you now and whatever decision you have, I’ll do my best to accept it.” He awaited, knowing how things would probably end.

@[H] Choi Daesu Just when the wound couldn't get any deeper, the honest words that found themselves slip past his lips wrapped themselves around the dagger's handle with suffocating force. Slowly, a binding squeeze pushes the blade further into her core—a bloody red waterfall oozing out from her cushion that could only take so much of the pain she has long cradled within her being. Vivid pictures of that wretched night played in her mind as she tried to fight her tears back—ultimately losing to the threat of her liquid pools as warm streaks of her boiling emotions stroll down the apples of her flushed cheeks. Coming into Seoul felt more like a nightmare than a dream: with him disappearing every night to rekindle the cold flame of his past, pushing her away forcefully as though she never had a spot in his life, ignoring every bit of her existence like the passing wind, and breaking more than just her heart for a promise once shared under the ethereal shades of the fading midsummer. Six words were all it took for her to crumble and to know where she stood in a space not meant for her to be in. It was all for the show; nothing more, nothing less.

As he spun her around, the woman's features could barely move a single inch. Stone cold was what she was amidst the desperate effort of her tears to melt the frost that binds her from the emotions she'd never want to touch in this lifetime. But seeing him falter for the first time—a facet that she has yet to familiarise herself with, brought her closer to the man right in front of her. Nothing was making any sense; was this supposed to happen? A hazy filter shapes itself atop her translucent orbs, covering what remains of the unpleasant sight that continued to crush her heart. Lithe digits weakly tangle themselves along with his, cradling his hand in hers as she squeezes it lightly—what was there to say when for sure she knew that all hope was long gone? "You want me back...?" She starts off with a shaky voice, "Daesu, you said it yourself that I was only making things more complicated for you. The way you looked at me that night when I wanted to know what was wrong with me, with us even—" trailing off, she allows herself own the vulnerability exuding from her, "—I couldn't bring myself to look at you in the eye! There was hostility in that look. I knew that—my parents looked at me that way as though I was never meant to exist. And now... Now you're telling me that you want me back?" Choking on her own tears, she lightly raised her free hand and curled it into a fist. Lightly, she hit his chest repeatedly while losing herself in a string of sorrowful sobs—singing a haunting tune of confusion, regret, and immense misery that no system of words could perfectly explain. "How can you possibly say that after everything that has happened..."

@Im Jinah ‘Don’t make this any more difficult for both of us.’

His body stiffened at the words that slipped past her lips. Was he really doing that? The imagery of it all allowed him to feel a heightened pain beyond his threshold. Being selfish and keeping the woman right beside him would’ve been something convenient but doing what’s right triumphed. If there was anything difficult for the man it was choosing between two paths and knowing that whichever he chooses, nothing could take the fact that she would have to suffer. It was acting on that choice and watching her crumble with his own eyes, right in front of him. It was being tangled in someone else’s arms yet being with her in heart and mind. It was having to see her pick herself up on her own when he wanted to be there. It was seeing her get too dangerously close to some, knowing her smiles that used to be for him solely were seen and caused by someone else. It was watching from afar as she found happiness gradually. But the hardest was making all those look so damn easy.

Stubbornness triumphed still despite such uncertainty on what to do. He held her still, tears daring to escape. If this would be the last night, the last fight he had for her, he’d much rather give it his all. “I know how much I’ve hurt you and I’m not making lame excuses. I’m sorry I had to say such words to you that night but none of those were true! I felt like that’s the only way for you to let me go easily, for you to be away in such a situation where in you’d be even hurt. I don’t want that.” He stopped for a bit, voice cracking as he effortlessly turned her around. His gaze held hers, shameless if he looked like a total mess. Palms trapped her cheeks, lips trembling as he spoke once more. “And if choosing to save you from such was a sin, then I’m sorry! All I’m saying now is I want you back. I’ve cleared my past and none of those matter to me now. If you would just give me a chance.” Dropping his hand to hold hers, he could only beg the heavens to give him a miracle.

@[H] Choi Daesu The once familiar warmth that she has long craved for found itself encasing her frail being. The closing of their bodies, a closed chapter in a burnt book, did more than just shatter the composure she built for herself. Pleasant feelings spiraled into a chaotic storm, and with her standing in the epicenter of it all, pained liquid pools wept for the lost love that buried itself for good. The foreboding drumming of her heartbeat quickens its pace, and with it comes the thickening lump on that dared to speak a thousand daggers and open the gate towards the darkness she has herself hidden in. Dried, coral tiers part themselves to in a deep breath—and there was only one question in her mind: What was he sorry for? What apology accounted for an answer as clear as day when she was willingly sold off to another person's attention in public? What apology accounted for the painful string of words that made her place known in his life? There was nothing left for her to hold onto, for a past that was long written was a story and a wall she couldn't climb in the very beginning. The lock of Pandora's box sets itself free from the bind, and a rambunctious overflow of her feelings came about: frustration, anger, remorse, and sadness—all because of that one lethal touch that she couldn't find the strength to get herself out of.

Lithe digits find themselves on the soft plains of his skin, struggling to pull his arms away from her before she fully breaks. Silently, a clear string of tears start to adorn the apples of her cheeks, telling a story of how she dealt with the aftermath of it all as she stayed—waiting for a chance that never was to come or even to exist. Her teeth sunk themselves onto her lower lip violently, and with the softest and gentlest voice she could muster, she sings a eulogy to a love long mourned for, "Daesu, stop. Let go of me, please. Don't make this any more difficult for both of us." There was confusion looming above her, and in as much as she was hopeful, it pained her more than it made her expectant.

@Im Jinah Their world unambiguously shifted. Gone was the enthusiasm she used to exhibit whenever their paths cross. Not a single smile was earned, nor a glance to his direction. And he couldn’t blame her, being cognizant that he shattered what’s left of the heart he once vowed to defend. Downcast, the male was but all was nothing he did not presume. Threading in a cautious manner, he tailed along to wherever she was leading, trying to keep his head above an ocean of remorse and what not. But providing a short break for his soul, he found himself absorbed in mild scrutiny of the place dear to her. Every wall exuded an imaginable measure of compassion for life’s most invaluable blessing. There was a veil of assurance and security that melded with one another in pleasant coherence. On the whole, it spoke more of the woman he inadvertently let go of. It welled up with immense warmth that still was not enough to conquer the void between them. Silence had been their referee, the sound of their footsteps reverberating along the corridor. He could’ve sworn he prepared for this time, for days even, heaven knows. Yet he was as good as a blank slate, not knowing how and where to start. Closing in on a room at the far end, beads of sweat started to form along his forehead, heartbeat reaching an all-time high.

She opened the door, allowing him in but before the female could even face him, Daesu shut the wooden frame behind and allowed his arms to wrap tightly around her waist from behind. How he missed her so much, her presence, her scent, everything. Face then buried on her shoulder, he could only whisper. “I’m sorry, Jinah. I’m really sorry.”

@[H] Choi Daesu So close, yet so far; that's what they were.

Slender fingers find themselves encased in each other's warmth. Turbulent forces slowly wrapped themselves in each line, causing the unwanted adrenaline to buzz every minute fiber of her core as his voice rang in her ears. A lump of discomfort found its way within , and among many things that she wanted to say, nothing could come about. Nothing—was that all they ever were? The softness of her bare heels bury themselves within the cushions of cold sand, and the warmth of the darkness extends itself to hug her withering soul while she recalls the many things that shattered her hope of a dream that was. At some point, she questioned that all-knowing-being: was she meant for this all along? Having thrown into the slums and bastardised by fearful beings was one thing, but being reminded of how eternal happiness was barely beyond her reach was another. Meekly, she dipped her head for a greeting—not wanting to meet his eyes any further. The more that she finds herself under his magic, the more that this pain in her heart grows unbearable. "Follow me," was all she could muster to say as she spun on her heel gently, having her back face him before she starts to pick her steps towards a private guest room. The shaking hands behind her immediately swung themselves in front to rest by her thighs and she breathed in deep, collecting herself for what was about to come. No words were shared, at least from the woman who had more than a tale to say.

@Im Jinah Time appeared to be behind the beat as the male tarried, motionless since his arrival. And what better way to carry off the rest of the clock than to concede to the loop of probabilities fabricated by his paranoia. A fragment of his being set its heart on that mere expectation that what they shared would be sufficient enough to save what’s left of their brief yet blissful bond. The haunting image of her rousing beside him, skin kissed by the hushed tone of the South’s dawn, embedded itself in his mind. Fingers knitted together through late night escapades in streets that led them astray but found in each other. Her warmth, her voice and the way his name rolled off her tongue like a soothing melody in a deafening world. Literally everything was reanimated as to place grave stress on his stupidity. Just then, what little hope he had fell off from high, displaced by the fear that she may have come to terms with having separate ways. Or worst, stumbling upon someone new. Oh how he lusted to retrace every event, rid her of the pain yielded by words he never meant. It was a vivid nightmare, to see her eyes break into tears along with her soul. But just before the imagery got too much, that familiar call saved him from the torment of his own subconscious.

And there she was, breathtaking, having him arrested without ado. There was joy to lay eyes on her once more and god was it hard to stop himself from encasing her frame in his warmth. Nonetheless, he did. Despite her call having that distant tone, his tiers curved up minutely in a genuine smile. “H-hi.” He stuttered. “Is there somewhere else where we can talk privately?”

@Choi Daesu Amidst the serenity hugging her delicate figure stood a towering frame of uncertainty casting a dark shadow carrying the thorns of the past. Varying degrees of softness extended from the lithe digits of the heaven's angels continue to caress the supple plains of her skin while a merry serenade rings within the lush garden of Adam and Eve. Never did it cross her mind that he would find the need to see or much less think about her after everything that happened. "Cheer up, Nana," says a gentle voice that belonged to the young soul that the older, distraught female had long taken care of as soon as she set forth in the center: her safe haven. The ends of her rose-colored tiers could only manage to shape themselves into a subtle crescent before her attention was interrupted by the notice that she dreaded to hear, "He's in the lobby, dear." In where her knees met the sharp ends of the ground's roots, the loose chords of her being tied themselves into a loop of suffocating knots, freezing her in place.

Part of her wanted to run away, to hide, to cut the invisible string that weakly held onto the bond that was the story of yesterday, while the overwhelming other only yearned for one thing: an answer. Gently, she stood—the faintest hint of composure adorning her face as she made her way out of the garden and through the lobby, each footstep ringing echoing through the hall as though they were a foreboding. In the middle stood the man that can't be moved, and as softly as she could, her voice calls out to him—hoping she could reach even the smallest space of his mind this time around, "Daesu."

@Im Jinah Looking at himself through the rear view mirror, he could only do so much as to sigh repeatedly, his anxiousness heightened by the thought of the seamless possibilities laid before him. And the factuality that he doesn’t have a hold on anything makes it even worse. Precise measurements, defined details and certainties were all he was ever skilled to handle. But feelings were in a different dimension. There was no way he could predict things and true enough, he had no one to blame for being in such a dilemma. Yet with a renewed vision of the future that he wanted, the male couldn’t sit still and watch his chance drift away. One last deep breath and he was out of the car, walking briskly to the lobby of the center. Stopping at a certain spot, worry and anticipation played a rhythmic beat against his chest. The incessant longing to see her in a while unbearable. And so he waited.