✵ amberly.

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. Seokwoo could have disagreed with her in an instant. Amberly could tell wrong from right just as well as anybody else could, but while he chose to ignore that little voice in the back of his head that told him when something wasn't the right thing to do, he sometimes thought that /her/ inner voice was either too silent, or she didn't really have one. That didn't make her a bad person, not at all, it simply meant that she didn't have that moral compass like some other people did. But who could blame her? He knew snippets of her life and those tiny things were enough to explain so much about who she wad and how she had ended up that way. But still... that didn't mean she was a lost cause, only because she viewed herself as such.

"That's better", he confirmed with a nod while reaching up with one hand, cupping her cheek so he could bend down and kiss her again, before he focused on transferring the now soaked slices of bread into the sizzling pan, holding out his hand so the butter wouldn't splatter all over her shirt. "It's not that hard, to not think about everything that much, Bambi. You have nothing to fear for, right now. I've already seen you and I'm still here."

It was a bit of a joke, a teasing edge to his voice while he flipped the French toast in the pan, carefully adjusting the heat when he noticed that the bread would be burnt on the outside and not cooked through all the way if they kept it on this high of a setting. And yet, even though he was focused on preparing their food, he never let go of her, not even for a second, keeping her securely locked against his front, chin hooked over her shoulder so he could see what he was doing.

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. her expression was the one of a deer caught in the headlights and she was rather thankful that he couldn’t see rosy cheeks. she wanted to curse at herself out loud, tell herself to get her straight and stop acting like a school girl on first date. “do you prefer white or red? and stop calling me out like that! just because i have some slip ups every now and then, it doesn’t mean that i’m clumsy. i’m just… built different. you know i have a hard time differentiating right from wrong.” she argued meekly through a petulant pout, fingers carefully dipping the bread into the batter, slice by slice until each piece was well coated up.

“okay, okay. i’m sorry. no more overthinking!” she nodded rather firmly, determined in her attempt to finally calm down and let everything go with the flow. she wiped her hands clean before sinking against his welcoming chest, tipping her head slightly backwards to nuzzle her cheek against his. “you feel so warm, i like it.” it was an honest confession, eyes fluttering close for a minute or two to fully embrace the serendipitous moment they shared. it took her a lot of courage to shift enough to be able to press a soft kiss upon his pretty lips, eyes meeting his own right after, offering him one of her most genuine smiles. “is this better?”

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. With a chuckle, Seokwoo watched her flutter around her own kitchen like a nervous little butterfly, letting her do her thing for a little while as the pan heated up on the stove. Humming, Seokwoo reached over to the sink to wash his hands, before he grasped her by the arms and pulled her over and in front of him, boxing her in between his larger body and the counter, her back against his chest.

"We can worry about we'll drink, after we're done cooking. A nice glass of wine sounds nice, doesn't it?", he said as he wrapped one arm around her, the other adjusting the bowl in front of them. "Hoe about you soak these slices of bread in the custard and I'll fry them up, after? That way, you're not a useless hostess and I can make sure you don't burn yourself. You see, you say you're not that clumsy, but I've been your lawyer long enough to know that... well... that isn't exactly true."

And then he fell quiet, if only for a moment, before he leaned his head against hers, his voice lowering and taking on a more serious note as he said: "You don't have to clarify. Stop thinking so much. Your thoughts are so loud, I can hear them loud and clear and that's not the point of playing pretend, is it?"

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. “hey! i’m not that clumsy.” she grumbled before straightening up and lifting a hand to her forehead in a mock salute. by now she has learned that it was easier to just let him be instead of fighting him up. the young lawyer was way too stubborn for his own good. “sir, yes, sir!” hopping down to her feet, she turned around and bent over, pulling out unopened bag of sugar and a clean frying pan. “ha-ha. i do have sugar, but only because i dislike bitter coffee. speaking of coffee… drink? i have sparkling water, juice, wine, soju…”

she stood by his side, arms touching as she peered up at him through her lashes. “i will stock up tomorrow.” her statement was only partially true, she had a feeling that she won’t be in the mood for such a draining task. but at most she would do her best to at least visit the convenience store down the street for some kimbap and instant ramen. “thank you for the meal. can i help you somehow?” she tittered on her tip toes, pulling out two plates from the cabinet and setting them aside. “i feel bad watching you do all the work. i’m such a bad hostess. i promise you, next time you come over i will cook you a full course dinner!” sometimes worked faster than her brain. only then she realised what she actually said, completely mortified by her stupidity. “i mean… i can say that, right? since we are… well.. pretending?”

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. "Alright, alright", Seokwoo chuckled while reaching out for her waist, easily plucking her off the counter so he could sit her down next to the sink, giving her a rather stern look and a click of his tongue. "As long as I'm here, you're not climbing around on any counters, alright? Can't have you accidentally fall and crack your head open. I know you probably did this a thousand times, but I went to school to study law, not medicine and I wouldn't know what to do with you, if you hurt yourself."

With that and a pat to the thighs, Seokwoo took over her search for something edible, quickly returning to where she was sitting with a couple eggs, milk and a loaf of bread that had, admittedly, seen better days and yet hadn't gone moldy. Yet. It was kind of funny, how growing up in poverty had quickly taught him how to fill his stomach without a lot of ingredients at hand and, well, he couldn't really be mad at that set of skills. Not really. But he still was, thinking about all the times he had gone with nothing but dry rice and perhaps a couple eggs for several weeks in a row because that had been all his dead-beat father had been able to either afford or provide him with.

"Be a babe and grab me some sugar. You have sugar, right?", he while already cracking the eggs he had found into a small bowl he had pulled from the drying rack by the sink, using a pair of chopsticks to beat them together with some milk. "You'd be surprised what I can do with a whole lot of nothing. All we need now is a frying pan and I'll whip up a perfectly acceptable midnight breakfast for you, I promise. You really need to stock up. Food is important."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. “well you do have a nice perky .” she teased, checking him out as she watched him pull on his underwear, playfully whistling at the sight. “i will be forced to walk around with my eyes closed, you are walking temptation.” her hands worked on her wet hair, tying the raven locks into a messy bun before finally rummaging through her closet for some comfortable clothes. quick to put on some cotton and an oversized t-shirt, the garment so large on her frame that it reached the mid of her thighs.

his next question made her realise just how hungry she truly was, stomach practically growling from how empty it was. truth to be told, amberly couldn’t quite remember when was the last time she ate. was it two? three days ago? of course, she couldn’t tell him that, knowing that he would probably scold her for not taking a proper care of herself. it wasn’t like she did it on purpose. it was yet another habit she picked on from her mother’s abuse - the vicious woman starving her own child to satisfy her sadistic needs. usually she binged on food just to spite the devil watching her every step from the very depths of hell. but whenever she fell into bad headspace, she unconsciously denied herself of any meals.

“ah…” she started, slowly making her way towards kitchen, smiling apologetically. “maybe? there should be at least few things in the fridge. it’s not /completely/ empty?” scrunching her nose in distaste, she slowly opened the door, empty shelves looking back at her. “uhm… well, this is awkward. i was too busy to go grocery shopping. but i think i have some rice or pasta in the cabinets! and some sauces too!” she gently moved him aside, carefully climbing atop of the kitchen counter and searching through the cabinets for something edible.

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. Amberly wasn't the only one who wasn't used to being treated this way. Ever since he had been a child, he had always handled things himself. There had been little to no times of his father sitting down to help him wash up, there had only been one relationship that had made him feel like he had found a place he belonged. So, perhaps, he was being selfish as he granted her this wish. Because, perhaps, he needed this just as much as she did. Right now, he didn't want to feel the pressure of being the cold-hearted lawyer that literally walked across corpses to get what he wanted. No, right now, all he wanted was to play pretend with the pretty girl currently toweling his hair dry, the action causing a small, amused smile to appear on his lips.

"Well, but I'd like to believe I'd look good in a pair of , no?", he as he followed her out of the tub, wrapping the towel she had used to dry his hair to wrap around his hips after drying himself down a little bit, before he walked past her, pressing a kiss to the top of her hair. "And don't worry about it. I'll just walk around in my underwear. I don't think you'd mind that all that much."

With a wink thrown her way, he slipped out of the bathroom to go and retrieve his underwear just as he had said, quickly finding his way into her kitchen without much difficulty. "Do you even /have/ food at home?", he called out into the apartment, standing in the middle of her kitchen and looking around a little unsurely, not keen on the idea of rifling through her cabinets just because he could. Now, that felt oddly rude.

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. amberly responded with a nod, lips stretching into a soft yet content smile, the kind that had her eyes almost disappearing and dimples proudly showing off. her hands were still slightly shaking from the aftermath of her nervous breakdown as she held the shower head between her fingers, carefully adjusting the temperature of the water. her movements were gentle, tender, free hand tilting his head backwards and holding it at its nape before rinsing the soap off from his hair, making sure that no foam got into his eyes. “that sounds good. thank you, seokwoo.”

the intimate silence they shared felt nice. she was aware that it was all an act, after all she did ask him to pretend for her sake. nonetheless, she allowed herself to indulge into their farce. better anything than nothing. who knows when she will get a chance to experience such peace again? rhetorical. probably never. so why shouldn’t she carpe diem it? just for tonight, she will become the woman she always prayed to be yet have never seen staring back at her inside the mirror.

once she was done, she turned off the faucet and reached over the lawyer to grab a towel, gently drying off his hair as much as she could with just rubbing it against his head. “there, all nice and clean.” she tamed the mess she created, chuckling lightly at how soft he looked, such a different image from his usual poise and sharp looks. “what a pupper…” muttering to herself, she slowly got up on her feet, carefully stepping outside the tub and grabbing another larger towel, quickly wrapping it around her frame, suddenly embarrassed of her ness. “do you maybe want some clean clothes? i do have some pretty oversize shirts that could fit you. unfortunately, no undies. i don’t think that… all of… well, you know… that… can fit inside my .” she offered him an awkward grin, cheeks burning red as she motioned at his nether regions. “but maybe some of my pj shorts could do the trick?”

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. Of all the things Amberly could have asked for, this one surprised him. Seokwoo had been fully prepared for her to ask him to leave, for her to ask him to forget about all of this and move on, just how she expected him to do. She could have asked him to her again, to make her forget about the things they had just talked about and yet... and yet her request was so innocent, so heartbreaking... filled with such sadness, he nearly wanted to spiral out of control and into yet another speech of how she didn't need to pretend. How she was perfectly normal and perfectly deserving of everything good in this world. But he knew that she wouldn't believe him and that she didn't need to hear any of this right now. And truth be told, he had heard much worse.

"How about this", he said around a little chuckle, squirming away from the ticklish feeling of her kissing her way across his body, quickly catching her face between his palms so he could peck the tip of her nose, before he motioned up to his still soapy hair. "You finish washing my hair, then we'll get out of this tub and I'll prepare my signature midnight snack for the both of us. We're two perfectly normal and healthy individuals, no? So on our fifth date, it's basically my duty to make you some mediocre food and give you a five star foot massage after."

Seokwoo's smile was gentle as he smoothed his thumbs across her cheeks, brushing away some foam and water, his head tilting to the side as he did so, before he looked back up at her eyes, one brow raising in an almost challenge. "You're not going to deny this smart, eloquent lawyer the pleasure of doing that, would you? Because I really want that right now. Humor me."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. a single tear rolled down her cheek at the sweetness behind the nickname he gave her, face nuzzling against the width of his palm, keeping it close by wrapping her delicate fingers around his wrist. “i don’t know what i need… maybe…” she started, lips slightly pursing as she searched through her brain for the right words. if there were any. the residue of anxiety clouding all of her senses, so much that she couldn’t differentiate right from wrong. “we could pretend… that we are two healthy and happy individuals. that we know each other very well, and this is… i don’t know… our fifth date, and we are just basking into each other’s company, having a joyful time. no care or stress in sight.” it was quite obvious that her voice was laced with heavy doubt, quivering at its ends. it was absurd, her suggestion, she knew that. but it was what she needed the most at that very moment. she needed not to be amberly kim, she had to be someone else. if not, she feared that the darkness of the shadows lurking behind her back would swallow her whole, drown her in her very own bathtub, seokwoo switching from a successful lawyer to nothing more than an innocent eye-witness of self-loathe killing its nth victim.

her head tilted to the side, pressing soft kisses along his fingers and palm. “you drive me insane, you know?” she imprinted her words into the softness of his skin as she trailed her lips down his forearm then upper arm until she reached his shoulder. “you are so painfully handsome. smart. eloquent. caring.” she nuzzled her nose in the crook of his neck and shoulder, inhaling the faint linger of his cologne. “just for tonight… let me pretend to be someone worthy of your time and presence.” it was a plead. she didn’t even try to hide it - embarrassment be screwed. for just one night she was ready to be all the loving women she envied so much. “humour me, please.” she kept kissing his body, almost as she was worshiping his very being. hands tender and careful, accompanying her lips in their path of nothing but sheer loving and admiration, getting to know each curve and dip of his remarkable physique. “beautiful…”

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. He knew that look on her face like the back of his hand. He knew it, because he had seen it in the mirror one too many times. Seokwoo was no stranger to that feeling of having crossed that point of no return, that moment if realization that nothing could ever bring his soul and mind back from the edge. And he knew the look on her face a little too well, because he had seen it on other people's faces as well. His own father, whenever his old man had thought Seokwoo wouldn't see it. Back then, Seokwoo had desperately wanted to scream at his father to pull himself together, to fight. Because Seokwoo had been fighting it all his life and it had gotten him so... so far. But had it, really? He had sold himself to the devil, to his own demons and it had left him burnt out. Nothing but a shell of himself, a husk filled with self-loathing and hatred.

He could have told Amberly that she'd never be less than what she was now. But what was that, exactly? What exactly was she to him, now? He could have told her that he'd not regret this, that he'd never be able to go back to only seeing her as his client and nothing more. It was all true, but he knew that look on her face. The defeat. Sometimes, people didn't need to hear the truth of how things would get better. These words only got people so far, no? And those words started to feel hollow, at one point. Phrases handed out like pacifiers and nothing else.

But one day, she'd realize that she wasn't gone. That she wasn't broken beyond repair. And yet, in order to realize that, she had to stop running from herself and be done with the version of herself the world had damaged so badly.

"Okay", was all he said as his fingers still in her hair and ran down to her jaw instead, pulling her a little closer so he could kiss the corner of . "If that's what you need, we won't talk about it anymore. If that's what you need, we can always talk about it another time. Or not. The ball is in your court, Bambi. So for now, just tell me what it is that you need and I'll give it to you. If you really think I'll walk out of here and forget all about it, regret it... let's make the most of the moments we have until then."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. there was a lot of truth behind seokwoo’s words, but she was already deep down a rabbit hole for his speech to touch already flatten lines of her heart. there was no point in sugarcoating her existence, she was done. and while she wasn’t proud of it, she acknowledged it out loud. there was not much fight left in her worn out system. not after all the failures she experienced over the last seven years. people often said ‘what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’ but she beg to differ. each and every defeat gnawed at her skin with its sharp pointy teeth, ripping flesh piece by pieces until she was nothing more than sheer bones - completely barren for the whole world to see right through her, laugh and mock at her pitiful being, at what was left from once confident and strong woman. one could take so many blows until they collapse, too weak, too hurting to even try to stand up. at that point, the end was near and she was more than ready to embrace it with both arms wide open. she was ready to accept anything for a little bit of rest.

she knew she had to change the topic, and she had to do it quickly as she could feel her very insides shifting, tensing borderline contracting in a painful cramp that slowly captured all of her functioning organs all the way from her stomach to her brain. the pain, the fear of opening up to anyone, clouding her vision, squeezing all of the oxygen from her bloodstream. she squeezed her eyes tight shut and preyed that it would just pass, channelling all of her focus onto his hands that were so gently washing her hair, her own pair shaking from where they were resting against his shoulders, fighting the urge to squeeze for the moral support.

“i’m nothing more than a client to you. one night . maybe just maybe you will squeeze in another heated session in the morning. then you will leave. reality will hit you on your way home, you will finally acknowledge the fact that what we did was nothing more than a ing mistake. you are going to call me, actually no, probably just text me, say that what we did was wrong, that it shouldn’t happen again, to pretend that nothing ever happened between us, that we should go back to being strictly lawyer and client. you are going to leave and never look back. so… please, can we not? can we not talk about feelings, our trauma, our ways? because i can’t handle that. i can’t open up to you knowing that by tomorrow morning you and all the care you displayed will be gone for good. i can’t push through yet another abandonment, not right now, i’m too weak to fight for myself and my well-being.”

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. Seokwoo was no stranger to the sight of a dam breaking under too much pressure. He had seen it often enough to know that all of the things Amberly said right now, had probably festered inside her mind for long enough to eat her up from the inside out, until she felt like nothing but the walking shell of a human being. These things made a person decay from within, until it broke to the surface through their behavior, manifesting in the way they treated the world and themselves - and who was Seokwoo to judge? He knew what that felt like. No bandaid could fix what had inherently broken inside of a person's soul. Society had a way of only treating the symptoms, instead of reaching deep inside and rip the issue out by its root. And if he had to he the one to do it for Amberly, so be it.

"I can't tell you", he said slowly, his smile wry in a way that clearly tried to remind her that he was still a lawyer and if he told her what fate the was probably meeting right now, he'd only drag Amberly down to hell with him. His employer would make sure there was ample evidence of the guy simply leaving the country after what he had been doing to multiple women and not just her. Seokwoo was good at what he was doing. Be it getting people out of trouble, or making sure that someone would never bother anybody ever again. The two sides of the coin, truly.

"But let me say one thing", he continued while tilting her head back so he could scoop up some water with his free hand, wetting her hair before reaching for the shampoo bottle and start washing her hair. "He'll never be able to hurt anybody anymore. And I have to strongly disagree with everything you just said, you know? Yes, you're the reason your life is the way it is, right now. But you're just a symptom and not the problem. You're not selfish, either. You wanted to take care of these scratches and felt bad for them, which proves to me that your heart is a lot softer than you want to admit to yourself right now. Your mother only won, if you let her. There are some things that fall into the category of simply 'let them'. But I came this far, fueled by nothing more than pure spite. People didn't believe in me, they said I was bound to follow my father's path and end up the same way. Dead weight, good for nothing, stealing daylight and air from the people who are working hard. And now look at me. I'm not saying I'm not ed up in the head in more ways than just one. We all are. We're all mad here, Amberly. All you have to do is not letting them win, simply because you're spiteful and your anger needs to be stronger."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. the luggage she carried onto her shoulders was heavy, pushing onto her back and vertebrae until her bones dissolved into dust. it dragged her deeper down the very pits of hell with each step she took. society refused to acknowledge someone like her, marginalising her existence to almost nothing - proving yet again that there was no open space for mentally ill to roam freely around the earth. she was a byproduct of two very different diagnosis, that somehow managed to merge into one, the worst one, and capture her being hostage. there was no escape and that hurt, knowing that she would never be able to experience true friendships, true love - there was no bright future looking at her, no marriage, no kids, no nothing. and she had to deal with such poisonous and rotten thoughts on the daily basis.

“seokwoo…” she started, voice laced with undeniable pain and lips quivering, his gaze overwhelming, bringing all the emotions she pressed out over the years right to the surface. mask of a tough, independent woman slipping from her tired face. “i’m a big contributor to the greyness and joyless of the world. i have little to no empathy. i am a selfish egomaniac. i don’t know how to care how to love. maybe i do, but i simply refuse to. i use to feel alive, i only feel alive when i’m thrown around and abused, or when i abuse. that’s not ing normal, that’s not quirky, that’s not funny. ever since i was born i was nothing more than a menace to society, a parasite latching onto innocent people, leaving them alone only once i drain the life out of them - and all because i dared to think that i could change. my mother must be having the time of her life inside the ing grave, because she has won.” amberly knew that she was bombarding him with her trauma, and that she was to regret it in the next few minutes. but there was no stopping, he opened a leaking faucet, no plumber around to fix it.

only then her brain registered his last sentence, brows furrowing before her eyes opened wide in shock, staring at him in such bewilderment, as if he suddenly grew another head. then it settled deep inside of her stomach, and chest heaved a deep sigh, a sense of relief clouding her rationality. she should’ve been scared, frightened even, but she couldn’t feel anything else but joy, as she had a feeling that she wasn’t the only victim of such low life that dared to call himself a man. “i-… you… he… he’s dead?”

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. Seven years... to some people that sounded like an eternity and to some that sounded like the blink of an eye. But life without affection, Seokwoo knew, dragged on. It made time slow down, ate away at someone's insides. He had said it just earlier, hadn't he? Humans weren't meant to he alone and not receive affection from anybody. And Seokwoo knew that going without affection for this long always had a reason. And never a good one, on top of that.

When Amberly turned around, all he did was place his hands on her waist to keep her stable, his brows knitted together as she started washing her hair, his eyes studying her face as he quietly let her talk and do her thing. Sometimes, it wasn't meant to be a conversation. Sometimes, words were there to be said so the other person could get them off of their chest. And Seokwoo knew when to so which. Again, that was his job.

"Amberly", he said slowly as he lifted his hands and cupped her cheeks, making her face him again so they could lock eyes, his voice barely louder than the sizzling, slowly dying bubbles surrounding them. "You need to stop telling yourself that you're unable to act like a normal human being. What does the word normal mean, anyway? Just because society told you that you need to be a certain way, doesn't mean that that's true. You can't deprive yourself of affection and physical touch outside of just because the world doesn't understand that things that don't fit the mold are /not/ broken. Some things are meant to be that way. We'd live in an awfully gray and joyless world, if everything fit together and we all were the same. That sounds terribly boring and depressing. Why would you tell me you're afraid of making me uncomfortable after I literally made sure the guy who blackmailed you is looking at the surface of the Han river from the bottom up? Hm?"

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. “it’s been seven years.” she blurted, hands clutching around the soapy loofa he so kindly offered her. “seven years since the last time i was taken care of.” her voice was small, barely audible, almost as if she was afraid that the walls had ears, seokwoo being the only person who she deemed worthy enough to hear her confession. slowly, she turned around, carefully placing herself atop the lawyer’s lap, setting the loofa aside only to grab her favourite hair shampoo. she squeezed some of it onto her hand, coconut and vanilla filling out the room. “don’t get me wrong - i’m enjoying /this/, it feels nice. god. this will sound so pathetic, but i’ve been craving some attention.” she started while sinking her fingers into his slightly damp tresses, gently massaging his scalp with the tips of her finger until his locks got lathered with scented gel. “it’s just… i’m awkward. i’m afraid that i might do or say something wrong. i would hate for you to feel uncomfortable because of my incompetence to act like a normal human being.” she let her soul speak for her, palms slicking his hair upwards until it resembled a shark’s fin, cracking a first genuine smile at the silly antic, doing her best to recover from the tension that enveloped her chest and clouded her mind.

“and while the thought of you pleasuring me once again sounds very inviting, i would rather have us like this. at least for now. just please understand that it might take me some time to get used to it.” with that she let go off his strands, leaning down to place a soft kiss to his forehead all while searching his eyes for guidance. “i’m gonna leave this in your hair for a bit. meanwhile…” amberly chose to finish her thoughts through actions, gently running her fingers along the trails of her nails decorating his muscular arms, face crinkling. “i really did a number on you. does it hurt a lot? remind the rub in some ointment after we are done with bathing.” her words were pressed into his wet skin as she soothed the sore skin with a feather like touch of her lips, treating him like a kid crying over a boo boo. she lathered her hands with more soap, carefully not to press too hard onto the thin wounds as she washed his arms all the way from his shoulders to his fingertips. “is this okay?”

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. "Nerves", Seokwoo repeated slowly, simply continuing to wash her shoulders and upper back, before he gently pushed her forward so he could continue washing down her back, his voice laced with a tiny bit of humor and yet it held not a single ounce of teasing, instead it strangely sounded as if he echoed the sentiment. "There's nothing wrong with not being used to be being domestic. I'm not used to it, either. But there is also nothing wrong with letting it happend and remind yourself of the fact that it can be, well, nice to let someone else take care of you, even if it’s temporary. Humans are not meant to be alone and go without physical touch and even if you around, is different from letting someone make sure you're well."

He bummed, one hand gathering her hair so he could scrub across her nape, down her spine and then her ribs, offering the loofah to her as soon as he was done.

"Every person needs someone to lean onto, even if it's just temporary. I wonder how many people have told you that you might not be cut out for this kind of thing, if you're freaking out internally, simply because I'm washing your back. Would you rather I pleasure you in the bath? I couldn't do that without feeling as if you'd pass out on me, truth to be told. So tell your mind to shut up and enjoy this, just for a moment."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. the soft touch of the loofa rubbing against her tensed muscles brought her back to reality, his voice low and stern, his words gnawing at her insides. for a moment she contemplated should she even tell the truth, but then came in the harsh truth - the man was a lawyer, and just to her never-ending luck, he was one of the greatest in his line of work. there was no point in lying when he could easily read through her ty lines and crap she would shamelessly spew. she was nothing more than an open book.

“ah… i’m fine?” she didn’t mean for it to come out in as a question, but well, it did. her head dropped low, shoulders pulling forward with gravity almost as if she wanted to appear as small as possible and disappear beneath his scrutiny gaze. “it’s just… nerves i guess. i’m not used to being so domestic with someone. if that’s even a right word to use. i was hit with reality so i’m bit on… the edge. but please don’t mind me, i’m just being an idiot.” glancing over her shoulder, she offered him a weak smile, shame evident in the prominent features of her tired face. “i’m sorry for being so .”

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. As unaware as he had been of her earlier predicament, he wasn't blind nor was he deaf. He had built a fortune in the fact that he was good at reading people and getting out of them what he wanted to know and they didn't want to tell him. And that was the point. Seokwoo knew when someone was unwilling to open up to him and yet he had learned how to pry open the tiniest gap and dig his fingers in, until he could rip a hole into any defense, any wall. And Amberly's very obvious change in mood was, perhaps, a tiny bit alarming to say the least. Gone were the smiles and the laughter, her teasing and the comfortable air around them. And it gave him a tiny bit of whiplash.

"Alright", he sighed after several minutes of contemplating if he should bring it up or not, reaching for what he assumed to be her loofah, so he could start scrubbing down her shoulders and upper arms. "Are you going to tell me what's going on right now, or do you want me to guess? You were so vocal just minutes earlier, what happened to that, hm?"

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. amberly huffed and puffed in disbelief, arms crossing at her chest. no one in their right mind would ever compare her to something so pure and innocent. she was more of a predator lurking and hunting for a deer to mercilessly feast on. was it possible that she’s gone /that/ soft in the presence of the lawyer that he would even dare to compare her to such a helpless little animal? no, that would be straight up impossible, she didn’t do soft. once again she had to close her eyes and practice breathing, determined to win the fight against the worst side of herself. she deserved some peace and tenderness, she knew she did, but the masochist rooted so deeply inside of her liked to punish her in the worst possible times.

“if you say so.” it was all she could say, conversation dying at the very tip of her tongue, absolutely blind to any social cues. she was awkward, not knowing how to rest, what to do with her hands nor how to react in general. the only thing she was good at was . what to do after it was a big enigma. the mare thought of cuddling, eating together, bonding over trauma set her skin on fire, shuddering against his hold. “.” thankfully the sound was muffled by her own hand as she rubbed them across her face, fighting the urge to scream against her palms, mortified and weak. she needed a distraction as she needed it quickly before she spiraled even further down the rabbit hole.

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. Seokwoo was blissfully unaware of Amberly's internal struggle, his head leaned back against the edge of the tub, his eyes closed as if he was asleep already. Which he wasn't. But Seokwoo liked to believe that there was a time for words and there was a time for silence and he had already said more than enough. He knew that there was something utterly domestic and borderline intimate about sharing a bath - more so than having , that was. was transactional, something that didn't necessarily need the same amount of letting someone's guard down.

"You're small, your legs are giving out beneath your weight and you have bambi eyes. Little deer is very fitting", he gave back slowly, cracking an eye open when he felt her head tilting back against his shoulder, looking down at her through his lashes as he let out a low, barely audible chuckle. "I'm good at my job because I'm good at reading a room. I know when someone's mood shifts. I know when they're telling me something while not telling me anything. And trust me, things already happened to me. As I said... you're not my worst client. And not my most complicated one either. But at the same time, that client who's getting me into trouble is also the one keeping me out of it and protecting me. You shouldn't worry about me."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. “now that you say it, yes, he is kinda rude. but he’s mighty fine, too fine for his own good. also turns out, that he is a great so it was worth the wait and chase. would tap it again.” she frantically nodded, giving him both thumbs up before finding herself trapped against his large frame, her body going rigid. it forced her eyes to squeeze shut, slowly counting to ten, lips forming around silent numbers - only then feeling calm enough to sank against seokwoo inviting chest, brain working on hundred miles per hour. her fingers absentmindedly played with the floating bubbles, scooping them up only to blow them in the air from her hands, distracting herself enough for her anxiety to level down, just enough so it didn’t show.

it was quite obvious that she wasn’t the one for the ‘aftercare’ - not that she disliked it, on the contrary it felt nice to have some human contact once in a while, she just thougt that it was a rather dangerous territory for her to carelessly explore. after all, she was the type that grew addicted very quickly and easily, past experience leading to very rational fear of sudden abandonment, even in such easy-going movements. “little deer… that sounds very cute. not very fitting for me, don’t you think so?” resting her head against his shoulder, she looked up at him, blowing bubbles in his face as well to disperse the thick air suddenly suffocating the bathroom. “you really have to possess a lot of patience to do such a job. i admire you. i could never. but there’s no denying that you are more than great at what you do. just make sure you don’t involve yourself into some deep - wouldn’t want something bad to happen to you.”

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. "Oh, my, I wonder who that guy was who rejected you all of these months. Sounds kind of rude", Seokwoo gave back in a rather deadpan voice, yet there was humor dancing inside his eyes as he spoke, his lips twitching as if he was trying to hole back his laughter. Which he was, but that was besides the point. He waited patiently as they made their way across the room, barely holding on to his manners and not teasing her about the way her knees were very obviously shaking, her steps slow and careful as if she was a toddler, learning to walk for the first time. The way they were walking across the room reminded him of guiding someone across ice on skates, her movements almost insecure while he kept her stable.

"That's my job", he reminded her while waiting for her to sit down before climbing in after her, simply manhandling her around until she was sitting between his spread legs and he could lean back into the water, letting out a quiet sigh when the warmth soothed the slight sting of her scratch marks. "You give me a headache at worst when you get yourself into trouble. Some of my other clients give me real trouble. Dangerous trouble. Of course I can't talk about it, but rest assured. You're not my worst client and you're far from robbing me of a social life or forcing me to work overhours every single day. You just have a bad habit of attracting nut jobs and not handing them over to me before anything serious happens. That's all. I'm just pulling your leg, little deer."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. “that’s probably true… i mean i have been very busy with the new book, didn’t have time for . plus - there was this one guy who kept rejecting me over the past few months.” she sighed, staring off into distance while shaking her head, soon enough breaking into a playful smile. now that she thought, she couldn’t remember when was the last time she had any fun with somebody. seokwoo made it look so easy, to relax and just let go of any inhibitions. his next statement pulled at her brows, frowning as she carefully took his hands, lowering one foot down before the other, stumbling into his much larger frame like a fresh born bambi on nice - squeezing her thighs as she noticed that his was slowly leaking out of her.

“stoooop. you are making me feel bad.” she pouted, looking at him from beneath the pretty flicker of her lashes, thin fingers warpping around the thickness of his forearms for more support as she made the first step. “am i really /that/ bad? that much of a pain inside your ? because, i swear, i’m trying to be better… but it’s hard. you know that i’m not really good with proper social behaviour.” it came out as a mutter, step by step leading him backwards towards the tub, slowly turning around on her shaking feet before finally stepping inside the marble - humming at the soothing feeling of the warm water stroking her sore skin.

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. "You're just out of your game", Seokwoo across his shoulder, currently in the midst of inspecting all the different bath salts and bubble baths lining her bathroom shelves, before choosing one that claimed to have muscle soreness soothing attributes. He hadn't even thought much about what he had said about his childhood, nor had he meant for it to slip this carelessly. But. It was late, he was tired and apparently his walls were halfway down after a stressful day and a proper workout of a romp in the sheets. Yet the tone of her voice made him pause and turn around after turning off the water, raising an eyebrow at her as he made his way back over to the counter.

"I know you didn't. I was just joking", he assured her with a crooked little smile, offering her both his hands so she could try and get off the counter. "Just because I had a hard childhood doesn't mean I pity myself for you it. Don't you worry your pretty little head. I do a great job cleaning myself up in public bathrooms too, by the way. Or at the law firm. I've spent an entire week there once. You want to guess because of who? You'll never guess."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. “you can’t hold it against me, mister big shot lawyer. it was a crime of passion!” once again she shrugged before curling her fingers around the marbled counter, stretching her legs to relieve some of the ache building up inside her joints, nose scrunching as she watched her muscles tremor, still too weak to stand up to her feet. “i do pilates, weightlifting and pole dancing yet look at me, still shaking and i barely did any work. so don’t even try to deny it, you must be a mutant! or maybe i’m just out of my game. or even worse i must be getting old! ew.”

his next words brought a slight pang to her heart, pearls sinking into already sore enough flesh as she carefully tip toed around what to say. amberly wasn’t as much of monster as people painted her out to be. no one knew about all the humanitarian work she did, and she liked to keep it that way. she couldn’t care less about what good that would do to clear up her image. it wasn’t something she was doing to gain sympathy and popularity. it was her own little and undoubtedly favourite secret - a big portion of her money anonymously wired to endless fonds for unprivileged kids, paying for their education and therapy. “that’s really tough. i’m sorry to hear that, it must’ve been really hard for the both of you. i just thought you wouldn’t fit because you are so tall… it was nothing bad, i swear!” the tone of her voice surprised her, she usually wasn’t the one to explain herself, not caring if her words hurt. but seokwoo didn’t deserve such treatment, not after everything he had obviously been through.

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. "Your neck, hips and thighs were casualties, nothing more, these right here were aggravated assault", he jests when she rested her forehead against his, a snort leaving his lips before he pretended to bite her right in the cheek, muttering: "I'll show you mutant. You think I go to the gym five times a week to not be able to lift a woman after ing her? No shame to those who can't, but I thought you'd think a little higher of me after everything I've been through for you."

Shaking his head and clicking his tongue, Seokwoo made his way to her bathroom, carefully setting Amberly down on top of the bathroom counter, before he turned away to start running their bath, glancing over his shoulder as he did so. "But please enlighten me why I wouldn't fit into a kitchen sink. I've had worse. My father and I had a toilet shower kitchen, quite literally. Just a flat, tiled area in the apartment with a shower head and a toilet next to it. So. Trust me I'd fit into the sink."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. she couldn’t help but admire her artwork, the sore red lines such a pretty addition to his sculpted muscles, a beautiful contrast to the caramel of his skin. being the that she was, she stretched her lips into a devilish little smirk, shrugging nonchalantly. “tell that my neck, hips and thighs.” she argued back without any actual venom, onyx dark eyes sparkling with pride as they traveled over her bruised skin, shadow of where his fingertips dug into plump flesh clearly visible even from afar.

amberly yelped in surprise, eyes widening with shock at how easily he picked her up, as she was nothing more than a mare feather, even after the workout session he did on her . then she playfully squinted, leaning her forehead against his as she whispered, low and ‘serious’. “mister kim, are you a mutant?” it wasn’t anything like her to let her guard down so quickly, or at all, but it was a welcomed change. maybe, just maybe, she could afford herself to enjoy at least one night of peace. “i don’t think that i can fit into kitchen skin. actually it’s a big sink so maybe i could. but you…” instead of finishing her thoughts with words, she shook her head from side to side, index finger pointing at the door on their left, towards her en-suite bathroom.

@✻ ⋰ amberly y. Contrary to popular belief, Seokwoo wasn't the kind of tap it and then make a run for it. Hit and runs were a crime, after all and everybody deserved at least one ounce of respect to decide if they wanted him to stay or not. Sure, things were different with the interactions he paid for. But as harsh as that sounded, the services the lounge offered were plentiful and the Pearls offering them, were used to their clients to leave as soon as the deed was done. And it was often preferred, as well. Or at least as far as Seokwoo knew. But Amblery was no Pearl and she deserved better than for him to get up, get dressed, bid her farewell and bolt.

"I'd prefer a bath, but only if you join me", he winked down at her while climbing out of bed and stretching, hissing through his teeth when the motion tugged at the slightly bloody scratches running down his arms and across the top of his back. Well. "You did a bit of a number on me, didn't you?", Seokwoo asked as he bent down to simply scoop her off the bed and into his arms, chuckling at how light she felt in his arms despite everything they done already. "Where's your bathroom? I need a bit of directions, unless you want to bathe in your kitchen sink."

@✻ ⋰ seokwoo k. to be very honest, she was surprised that the lawyer actually agreed to her proposition, knowing his stance on what was forbidden. but she couldn’t hide to soft sigh of relief, the corners of her lips twisting in a rather fond smile. she expected him to be gone by now, running away as fast as he legs could, from living misery that made up her being. it was another nod of confirmation that they were exactly the same - two sick and twisted minds, always opting for worst possible choices, almost as if they wished to be punished.

“hm… how about we do one check later then another one in the morning?” she hummed, low and content, thin hairs rising with goosebumps from the feathery touch of his lips against her still tingling skin. the young author was nervous, sudden anxiety eloping with her chest, but she did her best to pretend that everything was okay, that she was used to such treatment. the painful truth was that she never allowed her capadecs to spend the night at her apartment, kicking them as soon as they were clean enough to go - showering separately, of course. after her first and last love she was too scared to let anyone invade her intimate space, fearing the conversation that might follow up, the mare thought of bonding choking her up. yet something felt very different with seokwoo, he almost made her feel secure, protected - as wild as that sounded, the bruises and marks left all over her body telling a whole different story. “shower? or maybe bath? whichever you prefer.”