✧ classrooms

For his entire life, Yixing had been shamed for crying. He had been called weak and pathetic every time he shed a tear. He had been laughed at and mocked, because tears solved nothing, and yet he shed so many. And so over the years, he had developed a mindset that it wasn't okay for him to cry, that crying made him a weak person. Even though he couldn't help it sometimes, he tried his best to always hold back and to try his face as fast as possible. For the past four years, it had been practically necessary for him not to cry, because anyone who cried in public was seen as imperfect to the government and shipped off to one of the government owned asylums. Yixing couldn't risk that, he couldn't be seen as flawed. So he did all that he could to never cry, at least not in front of others.

However with Jongdae signing that it was okay to cry, and that there was nothing wrong with crying, it only made him cry harder. As if he was catching up for all the times that he had been forced to not show any negative emotion. All of it was washing over him now in a frenzy. And after so long, Yixing's body grew tired, and his crying slowed down to just a few tears running down his red cheeks as he slumped against the other a little more, not even having the energy anymore to cry as there were only so many tears he could shed. He let out a shaky sigh, lightly choking on air and rubbed at his red, teary eyes some. He knew he would have to sit here a while so that his face would have time to go back to its normal appearance.

Yixing lightly glanced to Jongdae, speaking softly as his throat was raw. "It would take a while for me to tell you about my past completely.." He trailed off, frowning a bit, as now he felt like a burden, as if he was just wasting the other's time.

@[w] zhang yixing Jongdae gave a soft smile. It wasn't a lot but it was good enough as a start. "Don't worry, we'll take it step by step Yixing-sshi." He motioned. "You don't need to spill it all now. It should take time for you to get better. And you're not a hypocrite. You try and it's just as good as moving on."
Chen rubbed the counselor's back to try and get him to loosen up a bit. "Cry. It's normal to cry. It shouldn't be seen as flawed but I guess it's what the government just thinks. They wish too much for a utopia. And their utopian dream isn't even perfect." Sighing softly, he continued to sign, "just... if you want to talk I'll be here. For now just cry your frustrations out. After that, maybe then you could try to start talking about your past? I won't force you to if don't want to though. Promise."
Chen wanted to share the burden of not being able to move on as well. He, too, couldn't move on but he was trying his best to. And that's all that mattered. He wanted to help this worker more than working on himself. Everything took time and he decided that it wouldn't hurt to push off his voice for a while longer. He was sire that the counselor had a harder time living than he did. But even if he didn't, Chen knew that his emotional pain was nothing in comparison to Yixing's. He thought that no matter what, that he'd be lower than dirt.

@[f] kim jongdae The excuse Jongdae gave sounded sort of sketchy. Yixing assumed that the other was already highly advanced at sign language considering how smoothly he could move his hands to depict what he was saying. The counselor almost wanted to question it, but his mind had already been sidetracked by the quick question Jongdae threw at him, obviously changing the subject before Yixing could get too curious. But truthfully at the moment, the male was too worn out to question it any further. He only made a mental note to ask Jongdae later for the true reason as to why he had been in the classroom today. Right now though, his mind was focused on more important things, like trying his best to explain why he was crying without seeming flawed.

Paying close attention to the other's hands, reading his signs carefully as to not mess up, which frequently happened whenever Yixing was highly emotional, he bit his lower lip shifting in his spot a bit. He was torn in his decision on whether he should open up or not. It was risky, very. Because if anyone found out and decided to tell the government, Yixing's entire life could end as he would be shipped away, and then he would truly have no purpose to live as the only reason he lived now was for helping those people who were in this place. But at the same time, Yixing really wanted to let it out, as he didn't want to be a hypocrite. He had always been the one to say, 'Never keep things locked up. It's bad for you.' and he wanted to let all the things he had locked up out, so that he too could get that feeling of great relief once he let it out.

Letting out a shaky sigh, Yixing hesitantly leaned his head on the other's shoulder. It felt weird to be in such close contact with another person, especially in such a vulnerable situation, but he still managed to relax his body regardless. "There's.. s-something I need to get over but I can't. It's hard, to just move on and you know be free. Even though I say it all the time that you have to move on, I feel like I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world because still I can't." He blurted out, lower lip beginning to tremble once more. "I c-can't. And it's so so frustrating." He trailed off, his voice cracking as he quickly buried his face into the other's shoulder, not wanting the sight of him crying to be visible, nor for the sound to be audible.

@[f] huang zitao Chanyeol has a bad habit and he hates this one but he can't get rid of it. That is, whenever he catches sight of fire he'll loose himself, forgetting the surrounding and won't notice a thing even the world at it's destruction. Bad habit, a big one. So that's the reason why the young park hadn't noticed someone as noticeable as the one in front of him earlier until the small flake of fire was put off by pair of fingers. It almost gave a heart attack to Chanyeol not because he was afraid of the other but the fear of him loosing the lighter since someone saw him with it. The boy huffed out, shooting an accusing glare at the big in front of him, growling at the back of his throat. "And you might be?" He asked, pulling the lighter back to his chest, holding it securely. He eyes the boy from head to toe. Never seen him before. Must be new.

@[f] huang zitao

Even in the asylum they are to study. What a great way to 'fix' 'them'. Chanyeol sighed to himself, looking up at the blue sky dreamily under the tree he took a shelter to shield himself away from the strong rays of sun. As much as he loves burning himself, he doesn't like smelling & drenched in sweat. Then why he was outside in the first place? Obviously to escape from the boring lectures he is forced to take. Seriously, he had read about those things a way before he came here. He was sure they soon would find about him missing and came to get him back till then he wanted to enjoy the serenity of silence.

Glancing at the tree above him, he found two birds perched up at one of the branches, pecking at the wood once in a while. Are they eating something? Chanyeol wondered, his hand reached inside the side pocket of his pants. His grip firmed once he found the object inside his pocket, grinning like an idiot and pulled it out. Again he took a look around him thorough, checking whether someone was around him or not. Since no one was there, he brought the object closer to himself, flicking the lighter on. In blink of an eye it light up; hues of blue and yellow swinging as soft air brushed against it. He watched in fascination as it burned, slowly the faint smell reaching his nose, the familiar heat reaching the tips of his fingers as he held them closer to the burner.

@[w] zhang yixing Jongdae signed slowly as he shrugged. "It's okay and... Uhm I just came here to practice my... sign language... yeah. But why are you crying? And don't lie to me." He tried to change the subject. He knew that the older wouldn't believe him. He knew that his red eyes would give everything away. Chen wanted so much to talk about his problems but decided against it because his hands would make everything spin off for him. He knew that the counselor wanted to put the spotlight on him to take away the imperfection that was showing. However, the mute didn't care. By seeing Yixing cry he knew that the worker was still human and still had feelings unlike some of the other workers and guards around the asylum.

"Please spill it out? I won't make you tell me but it will help you feel better. You can trust me it's not like I could tell anyone. And if I could, I still wouldn't." Chen continued to sign with a reassuring genuine smile. "You always help me out by listening to my problems. And now I'd like to return the favor." He held out a hand and hesitantly touched the elders shoulder. "If you don't want to say it out loud, I could just be a shoulder for you to cry on
It'd be better than bottling it up inside. Trust me I know the feeling." By then he'd already rubbed Yixing's shoulder comfortingly. Trying to help ease the tears in his eyes.

Jongdae knew that the older boy was hurting inside but was afraid to show it. Afraid to get caught. During their one-on-one sessions, he always sensed a little of false hopes on his side. If you don't believe in yourself how are you going to believe in others right? Chen sat in a more comforting position besides the teary counselor and waited for an answer. No matter how long it took, he'd wait for Yixing to open up. Because he wanted to help the older as much as the elder wanted to help him.

Head now pounding because of the sudden stress, Yixing brought a palm to his forehead. It was painful without a doubt, it was a borderline migraine. However it didn't amount to how much his chest hurt, nothing would. Whether it was because of the fast pounding of his heart or the emotional distress built up over a course 22 years, the entirety of his life so far, Yixing didn't know but whatever was causing he prayed would leave quickly because he wasn't sure of how much more he could take. It wouldn't happen though, he knew for a fact it wouldn't, because Yixing could just never get a break. Since the day he was born, he had been destined to a life of bad luck, a life of terror raining down on him. The counselor side of him tried it's best to be optimistic, telling himself that things were bound to get better, but the low side of him was much louder bringing down his already low self esteem even more. He let out a rogue sigh, trying to catch his breath that he seemed to be so out of now. Though his breath disappeared almost immediately after.

As soon as Yixing felt a tap on his shoulder, he choked on air. He slowly raised his head, praying it would just a figment of his imagination. Unfortunately, his prayer wasn't heard as soon he met eyes with a rather familiar face. Kim Jongdae. One of the mutes, and if the others hadn't lied to Yixing, then he was also suffering from depression. He was a nice person to be around as far as Yixing knew, though the counselor found every person in the asylum, flawed and worker, nice to be around. His eyes widened a bit, because he hadn't expected anyone to be here, much less a patient as they weren't allowed in at these times. Although Yixing wasn't going to get upset with the other, if anything he was just embarrassed that he was caught in such a state. He was a counselor; that meant he was supposed to be an example of the perfect citizen. This wasn't perfect. This was flawed, and Yixing knew it was dangerous to be seen as flawed.

Biting down on his lower lip, Yixing quickly wiped at his eyes, watching as Jongdae signed to him. He was quite thankful that he had taken sign language classes back in college, because nowadays it was paying off. "I'm fine. I'm just having.. having a bad day." He replied, his voice defying the lie he had just told by cracking. He looked around a bit, swallowing back the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry you had to see me like this, I mean, I am so so sorry." He stuttered out his apology, feeling the urge to cry more just because he knew he had to look pathetic to the other. "Are you okay? Why are you here?" He questioned worriedly, trying to get away from the topic of his tears and truly concerned at the same time.

@[w] zhang yixing ((Oh sh- sorry I meant quality not quantity. Sorry I made it hard on you. Orzz.))

Jongdae had wanted to escape the reality of everything that killed him that moment. He had passed by the counselors' office and heard some people singing. The voice was amazingly beautiful and he stopped to listen. Looking through the window, he watched the stranger sing with perfection. Although he knew that the person singing was anything but. There on the sleeve of his shirt, his name tag that told everyone his psi number.
He didn't know how long he stayed to watch but before he knew it, the patient was on his third song. He watched with such admiration, longing, and envy even. He wished it was him that was the one singing. Him being the one to sooth everyone with his voice like he once did. After a while he couldn't listen anymore. He turned abruptly, walking away, looking for a quiet place to hide. To practice speaking again.
Several years ago, after the accident, he was told it was possible to regain his voice. Though no matter how hard he tried, he'd only end up failing or barely making a full sound.
He had hated himself for it. He hated that he didn't defend himself when he was younger. He hated that he was no longer able to live out a dream. He hated that he lost his voice. Most importantly, he hated how he knew he could get his dream back but couldn't reach it no matter what.
He ran and dodged everyone that came in his way. He ran blindly to the only place he knew that would be empty and quiet. The classrooms.
When he had entered, it was still early in the morning and he had just gotten out of his one-on-one sessions with his therapist. It frustrated him to no end that he knew the professional gave up on him. He couldn't speak. Not even a single note.
'I should have known, what the doctor said was false hope. I'm such an idiot.' He thought, sitting in the corner of the room.
Hours had passed already, with him trying to make noises come out of his mouth. He spent the entire time trying to even hum. He was getting light headed and his brain felt like it was about to explode. He was one try away from jumping out of the window, to his death.
His eyes were already welled with tears as he opened his mouth for a final try. Before he could even start, he'd heard sobbing from the other side of the door. Standing up, Chen cautiously opened the door. Thinking he'd be in trouble for hiding in the classroom- which he shouldn't even be in at the moment, or at all for the matter. He was shocked to only find someone on the floor.
He crept up to the person, lightly tapping his shoulder. As soon as the man looked up, he was shocked to see that it was his counselor. The one that had always seemed so happy.
Softening up a bit, he mouthed his words as he signed to the older. "Are you okay, Yixing-sshi?" He was curious to what would've made the sweet elder cry. He was so terribly worried that he forgot about his tiny predicament on his voice. Looking over to where he'd left his notepad and pen, he grabbed it, ready to write in case of the counselor couldn't read sign language.

@[f] kim jongdae Yixing wasn't quite sure how it happened, or even why. It just did. He had been going about his day as usual. Matter of fact, his day had been going rather well. He had been having a fun time with his patients, entertaining them and even being entertained in return. He hadn't been having any extra bad thoughts, if anything, they were positive in a way, only subtly insulting himself. It was days like this that gave Yixing hope for the future, allowing him to experience what nirvana was like for just a bit. Days like this one made him think of what it would be like to truly be happy, and not have a worry in the world. These days made him happy because it gave him the chance to pretend, that he truly was this happy, that he wasn't worried about anything, that life couldn't be any better. Yixing found that he both loved and hated this game of pretend, it was like a bittersweet one. It was fun to live this way for a few hours, but as soon as he returned back to reality, it left a bitter taste in his mouth, a depressed feeling in his heart; Yixing also found that he sometimes despised reality.

At this moment, he despised reality. He hated it, and everything about it. Though, he mostly hated the real him. The Zhang Yixing that he knew, the one that no one else knew of. The flawed Zhang Yixing. That was the part of reality he hated most, and he wished he could just set the flawed Zhang Yixing on fire and watch him burn so that there would be nothing left but the perfect Yixing. It was a psychotic thought really, and that was why the counselor truly questioned how he managed to slip under the radar of the government, deemed as perfect. He knew very well that he wasn't perfect. If anything, he was perfect at feigning perfection. But perfection itself was a foreign concept to Yixing, and it wasn't one he would get to know any time soon.

It had only taken a few seconds of Yixing looking around for him to suddenly feel a heavy feeling in his heart. He didn't know what he had seen, but whatever he saw had triggered something dark in him. Something that Yixing tried so hard to keep locked away. But now it was out. It only took a minute for Yixing to excuse himself from the common room where he had been playing the board game Monopoly with some of the patients. Of course they were disappointed because of his sudden leave, but another counselor took up his spot immediately, so they weren't complaining too much. It took about eight minutes for Yixing to speed walk as fast as possible out into the courtyard. It was too lively and packed out here though, and Yixing didn't want to go to the worker's quarters knowing that some of the workers were resting and eating. So he went for the next best option the classrooms. They weren't occupied at the moment, as there was no class until 5pm, and it was currently noon. So Yixing would be safe there for now at least, and the counselor wanted safety more than anything.

As soon as he entered, he stumbled down the hall a bit, before plopping down onto the wooden floor and pulling his knees to chest. He rested his forehead against his knees, letting out short breaths. The tears began to fall down his cheeks faster than he could control. He felt stupid. He felt pathetic. He felt so many things right now, and none of them were positive at all. Every time he got close to doing good in life, this had to happen. He would hit rock bottom, and have to climb his way back up again. The male whimpered as he cried some more, his fists clenching and unclenching as he let out a choked sob. He mentally scolded himself for this, for being so weak. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop it.