⚘ ㅤsunmi ₓ sunghoon。

@✿ sunmi l。 Lubriciously I stared back at you when you pulled away, a little out of breath from the intensity you’ve given to the kiss we shared. Your face glistened against the dim lighting, every single detail up to betray me into falling to a bottomless pit of desire; but it was nothing more than physical. My orbs went from your eyes to your parted lush lips, wanting to have them back with mine, and so I waited and eyed your every move til you undressed yourself partially, waist up exposed, making me feel the heat traveling from my ears, to my neck and up to my cheeks. I gaped at your , giving my own lower lip a will-less bite as I know to myself that I am wanting your body more as seconds pass. Taking my shirt off wasn’t much of a problem, it following where yours was. My hand caressed your neck; fingers light on track as they drew a downcast line to one of your mounds. Shortly, I got what I wanted, our lips united once more in a heated liplock; your lower lip trapped between mine, my tongue going all selfish for your taste that threw me into a frenzy.

And that same madness rid me of any emotion, bringing into fullness my concupiscence on which all my acts are based on. In one quick movement, the kiss ended and I had you on the bed, back against the soft mattress, hair sprawled out messily. The craving I felt for you was evidently different; I couldn’t feel the need to take things slow nor to make you feel good because the only goal existing in my mind was to take you tonight. That being said, I unclothed you from the rest of the fabrics covering your flesh, all in one go with no fumbling; the same thing, i did to myself, exposing the arousal you’ve caused. The two of us brought into full bareness, I wasted no time and went on to pin you on the bed. I was clueless at the fact that the force I applied was nowhere near gentle. But I couldn’t care less. With your arms raised above your head, I hovered on top, our eyes meeting for a brief moment. I wasn’t exactly sure what to feel right then so to escape quickly, I devoured your neck, the familiar taste of your skin filling me as I kiss you on the spot that makes you weak. a line down to the base of your neck, I bit down on the end like a predator would to its prey, leaving a mark on your pale white skin. With a hand up for support, the other swerved from its usual path being your s. Instead my fingers went on to travel south, caressing your leg smooth to the touch, urging it to spread wide apart before I went for the inner side, dragging my fingers up til it made contact to your exposed core, fingers touching you with great pining.

@✿ sunghoon j。 There is no longer that amorous rhythm that courses through as soft sets of tiers dance against each other. But I continue on, I may have never been good with words, or genuine affection, but if there is one way I can ever express what I truly feel, it is through the magnitude of passion I pour every time we intimately touch. At this point, the big mountain of pride I have kept within me has disintegrated, letting my lips wantonly touch yours as an expression of my raw distress to garner any sort of affection. I find myself straddling you as you reciprocate my advances. Perhaps, I was not naive to the distant nature of the thirst you indulge yourself in, but I was willing to turn a blind eye. Because maybe just maybe like how I have deceived you for countless times, I can make myself believe that even now, you are still madly in love with me.

At some point, I manage to be held completely captivated by my cravings for you. There is warmth that resonates from both our heated bodies as sweat slightly bead from the sides of my forehead. I’ve already stopped crying a minute ago, drowning into the way you taste, an addiction I’ve always had and will forever keep. Somehow, I pull away, staring at you for a moment; breathless. And although who looks back at me is no longer the man I fell in love with, but the man I have exhausted out of love, I choose to ignore the telltale signs. I refuse to believe the obvious and opts to immediately cease it, just like how my nimble fingers manage to fling the flimsy t-shirt I wore off. It didn’t take much time before the pink, overpriced lacy bra I had on was off too, leaving my torso bare and for you to devour with your gaze. Wasting no time as not to think anymore, I get back to business and lean in to capture your lips to mine again, this time; more carnal.

I have chosen to ease the pain the easy way out; drowning myself in my own medicine by gratifying ourselves now and worrying about the consequences later… or not at all.

@✿ sunmi l。 I watched you break down right before me, your fairness tainted by the profuse tears dampening your cheeks. Only then did I ascertain that what you show and what you say are genuine, the honest truth from your depths. And so I hated my self for a moment; not because I put the blame on me for your current state or that I feel bad about it but because I couldn’t spare a single drop of pity for you. Inarguably, there was no urge for me to pick up all your broken pieces and try to fix you, nor us as a whole. In my conviction, I myself am beyond repair and I can’t make my heart feel things it won’t on its own.

It’s doubtless that no one can unlove the person they hold so dearly in just a split second. In my case, subsequent to the day we met, my orbit changed and unknowingly, I and everything of me started to revolve around you. With everything I carry out, from the smallest of choices to life changing calls, there were no instances I didn’t consider you. You consumed my totality in an effortless manner; you became my universe. I love you so much, that I apprehend and admit but our once fiery love became my nothingness; slapping me the harsh factuality that sometimes, love can flame out just like stars that die when they’re used up.

My cold-blooded gaze met yours as you come close, only giving me a clearer view of your visage; talk about apathy at its best. I sat up straight, not knowing what to expect. Your hold on my face posed so much of what’s left unspoken, one I’ve grown unaccustomed to. You called me yours, but I can’t recast how I perceive your words; they were nothing more than ones that are spoken out of despondence just to keep me, retain me in captivity. And as you kissed me out of nowhere, your passion caught me off guard, my eyes still open.

Your movements were assertive and somehow it achieved to spark something in me. Sadly it wasn’t the one you wanted to regain, it wasn’t the love I used to flood you with. Lust, that’s what it’s called. I let it take over my sanity, responding back to your kiss but never in the way I used to. Pulling you on my lap, our lips moved salaciously, arms wrapped around your waist.

@✿ sunghoon j。 "No! It's not even about this stupid ing care anymore!"

I cry out, looking back at you. My eyes are glossed over with tears, but even with that, I saw it. I saw the emptiness in your eyes, the refusal to believe in me even in my lowest of low. This is when I know the games and all the crying wolf have done have back fired.

No longer I spoke, and let my cries out mindlessly. Along with it is my pride as I stood up and walked towards you.

I've always known I love you. I've always did and I'll always will. The monster I've become has never been about the luxuries, or whatsoever. It's the fear of losing you, the fear of not having you at my tail in my every move. And perhaps the way I acted got out of hand. I became messed up, I was obsessing over keeping you so much the quirks in my brain ed up along the way. That I thought you doing everything I wanted, giving me everything I want was you loving me. And so I asked for more-- and everytime I did, the spark was lost, our we've gone colder and the distance has gone farther.

I've lost you.

I stand before you in silence, my gaze meeting your beautiful chestnut colored eyes and I reach out. Slowly, my hand cups your face, my thumb running against the contours of your lips and my own being bitten on. I try to find it in myself to let you go, but I can't and I won't. Whatever it takes, I'll take you back.

"You're mine...", I mutter through my sobs, before I lean in, without a care in the world. I kiss you, so passionate and needy, desperate to undo all the wrong that's gone on in the past few minutes, desperate to bring back all the love that was gone.

@✿ sunmi l。 I was replying to one of our recent clients when I heard you call my name, a call I’ve never encountered from you within two years of playing love and war. It sounded pained, not one you’re capable of at least in my belief, followed by your cries. How could a monster feel deep pain anyway? I was so certain that it was one of your god forsaken schemes to play with me. But as the second one reverberated throughout the room accompanied by a thud when you fell on the floor, I decided to spare you a minute of attention. No hint of expression upon my face as I set my phone on the bedside table, head turning to face your direction just to see what you’re up to this time.

If I wasn’t the cold hearted Sunghoon, I would’ve ran to your side, asking you what’s wrong as I carry you to the bed. But no. I got tired. Youre so good at faking that even if those were real tears, I cant bring myself to believe you any longer. Surprisingly, there wasnt any prompting to help you up, nor wipe your tears away. Moving the duvet off my body just to walk around the other side of the bed, I sat on the edge of it, resting elbows on my knees, torso bent as I take a closer look at you.

“I said I got you the car. If you need something more, tell me and I’d make a quick call. No need to cry for it, Sunmi.” I said in the same dead tone i had earlier, eyes affixed on you with no expectations as to what you might say or do.

@✿ sunghoon j。 My usual confident countenance gets stricken up by confusion. And then shock. Never expecting for you to respond in such a way that wreaks havoc into my system. My chest tightens up, and suddenly it's hard for me to breathe. There is no way I could fathom the turn of events. I try to compose myself so much, not letting the abrupt overwhelming whirlwind of emotion get to me. But to no avail.

And then I realize; I don't like this at all.

"What the ."

The next thing I know, tears are gliding through my cheeks. And with every tick of the clock, I find it harder and harder to breathe as I break into a sob with dejected gasps as the only means for me to breathe. But I do not move, not even take a step closer towards you. Emotions like this are so foreign to me that I don't know what to do. So I just stand there, in all my vulnerability, with not even an idea of what my next course of action is. Because just then, I only /feel/.

"J-Jang Sunghoon..", I call out again, desperately, as the pain becomes unbearable and I can no longer stop myself from crying.

"Jang Sunghoon..", and again, as my knees get weak that I could no longer take it and I fall onto the ground.

@✿ sunmi l。 Talk about expectations versus reality. What I thought would be another reminder about the car turned out to be that finishing touch to end the life left in my heart. Having the short end of the stick in our relationship, never have I taken seriously the thought of divorce, despite the strong convictions at times to push through. But you, with all your sick and twisted lies about loving me, have the guts to lay that down for us. A great mix of emotion came upon me, triggered so much by your words. But one thing Im sure of is that I want to stop loving you right then and there, realizing that you are nowhere near a human.

A quick change in my demeanor became evident as i sat up from being curled up on bed, eyes red but caring no more if youd witness. I darted my gaze to where you are; gone were my eyes that once spoke of longing and deep passion. They were empty, lifeless, rid of life. “No. thats a waste of time and money. I’ll stay with you just as you want.” Monotonous were my words as I thought deep, shutting out those weak feelings for you. In trying to win the old you back, Ive lost too much of myself and now my system made way for resentment, something that could set me free.

“Is there anything else youd want me to do in front of your friends tomorrow?” My back leaning against the headboard, I took my phone and browsed through my unread messages just to avoid looking at you. Silently he vowed that this will be the last night he would cry for you. No more.

@✿ sunghoon j。 Only married for two years, half of which is spent spiralling out of control, it's a surprise that I knew you so much. That I knew, even just by the slightest quiver of your voice, that you were crying. The pain hits harder and I curse under my breath. If it was a year ago, I would have realized it's my genuine care for you the makes my heart ache. But a lot can happen in a year, and gone were the days I yearn for the simpler things, your love and your hold. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself, drowned into an endless pit of selfishness and became the manipulative monster that I am.

I can't bare coming close to you, because every step I take is a crack on my barrier, on the heartless facade I keep around to manipulate you into staying with me. And this time, may be my riskiest attempt yet into having you obsess over me.

"If you want a divorce. T-then go ahead. I give you a free pass."

I mutter, supposedly stonecold, if only the stutter hasn't given me away. I clutch onto the door frame, knuckles white as I force the words out of my mouth, assuming you would say no in an instant, and I wouldn't have you so distant towards me like this.

@✿ sunmi l。 I never thought I’d be throwing my dignity to such a low in my entire life. The words pride and ego had been erased from my vocabulary but still I do nothing but cry. I have all the reasons to leave, all the right reasons to be mad and just escape but I find myself hugging a pillow so tight under the confines of the duvet, mindlessly wishing from the depths of my heart that it was you Im holding like I used to.

I shut my eyes, drowning in thoughts that refuse to give my mind a break, mercilessly deepening the wounds of my being. But the funny thing is that I feel no more. Or maybe im just so used to all of it. Where did I went wrong as your husband for us to land this state? And if I did something, do I even deserve this much of a punishment? Anger flamed from the smallest of veins, a sense of hatred dawning despite the way my tears were pulled by gravity.

But your steps became audible when you came in our room, and when you called out my name, my whole body froze, not knowing what to do next. I bit down my lower lip, holding in sobs to calm down before speaking. “What?” Thats all I could say, my voice betraying me by being shaky. Silently, i prayed that you wouldnt dare come close.

@✿ sunghoon j。 I'm must be some sick to think that I find satisfaction in playing you like a game. I never get to figure myself out. Yes, I am relieved to, once again, have the upper hand, wrapping you around my finger like an endless thread. I've won again. I've gotten what I want, once again. But why is it that there's a vague pang in my chest, seeing your retreating figure, slumped and defeated.

I can't figure myself out.

But I don't have to; I don't want to. So I take a deep breath, hoping that the pain in my chest will be driven away along with the air that leaves my lungs. I follow you in our room, justifying to myself that it's not for you; that I'm only going in for my own accord- but I see your figure, buried underneath layers of blankets, and immediately the pain in my chest returns.

"Jang Sunghoon", I call out, perhaps for another confrontation, hoping that the nagging pain will go away if I talk to you once more.

✿ sunghoon j。 11 hours ago Reply
@✿ sunmi l。 I never asked for more than what I could have since everything plummeted down for us but those three words sounded heavenly enough to touch the core of my soul to make me believe that its all gonna change for good, that possibly, we do have a shot at righting our wrongs. Cause truth be told, hearing you speak those words in such a way is like a rain in the desert, enough to satisfy what my heart and whole being long for throughout this god-forsaken marriage. With eyes closed, I see you again in your wedding dress that day we promised forever, walking towards me, mouthing ‘i love you’ with your signature confident grin that i used to adore. And I did the same. It was the fulfillment of my dreams.
Back to reality, my doubts were momentarily gone as I pulled away, a hopeful smile engraved on my lips. But before I could even respond and profess how i really feel for you despite this wicked set up we have, I noticed the slightest change in your look, causing fear to creep into every vein I have that the little hope I just acquired will be in vain. Not long, your words shoot, feeling my own self stabbed, the severity of its wound great enough that no one could mend. Youre cold as ever, heartless i must say and only then did it sink in to me how stupid I am to believe. My lips quivered, smile turning into nothing. And like any other man, i tried to hold myself up, averting my gaze from you to anything else just to stop the tears that were threatening to escape. , doesn it hurt so good to be married to you.
I know. Ill be there
And just like that, I died all over again. Saving whats left of me, I walked away and buried myself under the duvet of our bed, stubborn tears claiming their freedom.

@✿ sunmi l。 thANK YOU FOR TELLING ME orz sljdfalfasfdas #iknowright

@❁ andy c。 hot damn.. now i'm thinking of him too!

@✿ sunmi l。 oh god i'm thinking of him:
https://78.media.tumblr.com/cf470773091a823b302a20fce4288e24/tumblr_nzpl71xDPR1r5c02zo1_500.gif

@❁ andy c。 baby, sunghoon is a jang. ahaha.

@✿ sunmi l。 @✿ sunghoon j。 Ayyyyyyeeee ♡