⚘ ㅤdamon ₓ jiwon。

@✿ jiwon e。 yeah, maybe you did, if you in' think as much. /i, too, try to take something of an even, calm breath but it hitches in my throat somewhat and becomes unsteady again, hands unable to stop shaking as the back of one shields my eyes from your view. i can say whatever the i want- you don't- you don't get to tell me what i can and can't say! you KNOW i want to believe you, but you don't show me! when you're in in' bed all day, and i try and show you some affection, you- you don't even look at me. how am i supposed to realise something when i'm never shown it half the time?! i know that i love YOU but i'm not sure all the time that you love ME. oh off, you know the stigma with it. you never told me why you never finished, did you flunk out or something? then why don't you find some other idiot teenager that'll skip a in' flight for you and you, and get with him instead, wouldn't you just l o v e that. /a weak laugh left me, trying to dry up some of the escaped tears with my sweater sleeve, suddenly feeling like one of the dumbest and weakest kids at that moment. it doesn't f-in' matter, i want you to be happy all the time. i want to make you happy all the time and- jesus christ, i can't even do that. /my voice shook a bit as i hesitantly nodded, genuinely not knowing what else to even do. ji- why can't we just be normal? i j-just want to be normal.

@✿ damon a。 well, then maybe i DID deserve to get hit. /forces myself to take a deep breath, as if that would actually help to dispel the anger still simmering somewhere inside me; each flicker of emotion that passes over your face is like a wounded animal to me - i want to help, but i just don't know how...i seem to be making everything worse the more i try to talk. no. no, damon, you don't get to say that. you know WHY i stay? it's because i L O V E you, but it's so hard to ing hold onto this when the one person most important to me doesn't even realize it! and, oh, don't use the "dropout" excuse when you know i never finished high school either - it loses its punch. that's sad...because i know full well why i married you. maybe i'm coming to regret it. /my hands are visibly shaking for a moment, and i run one over my thigh to expel the energy; it eventually dissipates, but only because i see the tears starting to drip from your eyes; my entire demeanor softens right away, and i'm trying to be strong for the both of us right now even though deep down inside i just feel like a helpless child. you're not stupid, damon. it's not...you do make me happy, but i can't be happy all the time. /my immediate reaction as you break down is to reach out and hold you, but i stop just as my hand raises. damon... /deep breath. can i touch you? /all i want to do is take you in my arms and wipe away the blood, my only intention to try and provide and inkling of comfort; i hate that i feel like i have to ask.

@✿ jiwon e。 it wasn't a ING ACCIDENT. i hit you on PURPOSE! you didn't deserve to get hit, but i was upset. /my fists clenched, nails digging into my palm and breaking skin as i knocked my head back against the headboard. bull, all of it is just ing b u l l s h i t. oh- oh do they? they tell you that you should leave me, huh? then why don't you go and ing do it then- no, or maybe, you pity me, because you think i'd ing off myself or something. you'd might as well tell EVERYONE. they all know, so why bother keeping anything from them! 'my high school dropout husband is a ing psycho, but i'm not going to tell anyone, keep it a secret okay guys!' . you. jiwon. sometimes i don't even know why i married you. /i shake my head, my eyes turning misty before just breaking down fully into tears, not even bothering to hide it as my emotion shifted fully. i am ing stupid, don't you ing get it? it's not your fault, dammit! ji, i want to make you happy, but i feel like it's impossible. /a small crack came through in my words, haphazardly wiping my eyes but a smear of blood showed on my cheek. i don't know, i don't ing know. god...i ing hate damon, he can't do anything right. /i mumbled, sniffling slightly. damon...

@✿ damon a。 it was an accident, damon - and the black eye wasn't that bad, it just... /pauses as you raise your voice, ducking my head ever so slightly and running my fingers over my brow again; eventually places my hand in my lap and looks back at you, this time a simmering amount of anger visible in my eyes. i told them that i was picking up a friend from the bar, and happened to get caught in someone else's fight. you know why? because i don't like it when my friends and co-workers keep telling me i s h o u l d leave you. they know about the paint and the plates because i can't explain them any other way. sangmin saw the dent in the wall, and the stains on the floor - i can't just make up something on the spot or tell them to ignore it. /my heat to the words disappears as i notice your persistent pain; one part of me wants to keep talking now that we've actually started, while the other just wants you to rest. damon, you're not stupid - and i'm sorry. it's just...it's hard for me to show affection when sometimes i feel like i can barely move to the other side of the bed, and i know that's the same excuse i give every time, but i just can't-- i w a n t to, i really do. i want to show you why i stay, because i do need you, damon. how can i s h o w you so you'll believe me?

@✿ jiwon e。 well what about when you try to be affectionate when i'm having one of my ing 'episodes'?
you can't pretend they aren't very ing normal! you tried to give me a hug and i PUNCHED you. you had a black eye, ji, that isn't normal.
/my voice raised, a small crack in my voice when i put as much emphasis as i could on it.
and you lied and said you got into a fight with someone at a bar, and you don't even ing go to bars!
oh bull, i know you tell them about the i do. you told them i threw a can of paint and a stack of glass plates at you.
/the only reason i stop is due to my head pounding out of no where, letting out a short groan, going back into the almost off-topic rant.
i'm neglecting you, because i'm still some ing stupid seventeen year old that wants affection.
jiwon, you and i both know that we are here for a reason. i know i need you but not the other way around.
i would be more of a mess than i am now. why do you not leave me- i don't ing k n o w why.

@✿ damon a。 nothing about you "barely matters" to me.
just because there's this o n e thing that we don't have, it doesn't make
the things we d o have meaningless. /shakes my head similarly as you, reaching
up to brush a hand over my face while placing the other on the bedspread besides me.
my friends don't know about this because i don't talk to them about it. it's our business, not there's,
okay? /happens to feel a little hurt at being equated to "every guy," but puts aside that annoyance to
keep trying my best at convincing you; my voice eventually takes a softer tone. i told you, i don't n e e d it.
i don't want to make you uncomfortable, damon. i'm telling the truth when i say we don't need that if it's something you don't want.

@✿ jiwon e。 /i move to sit up a bit, propping myself up against the
headboard of the bed. it doesn't matter. it's something that's important.
all of the that i can do barely matters, because i can't do that ONE thing.
/lets out a short lived laugh, shaking my head.
your friends probably think it's ridiculous too- everyone does.
every guy wants it, and it's the one thing you can't have because i'm too freaked out by it.

@✿ damon a。 /for a moment i ponder the
thought of turning away when you look up at me, but
i manage to hold and return your gaze for a few moments.
it's not...you know it's not something i need - something we need.
i can want that, but i don't need it...we're not like-- /i stop myself from
continuing that sentence - "every other couple" - because i know it's the one
thing you hate to hear most, pausing and sighing. there's nothing wrong with that.

@✿ jiwon e。 we never will, otherwise, you know that.
/my eyes finally opened, moving up to look at you,
almost scoffing a bit under my breath. you know what i mean.
i know you've- you've wanted to be intimate, and... i can't even do that.
it's so ing stupid. every other couple does it but i can't bring myself to do it.

@✿ damon a。 why do we have to...
/frustration just barely leaks into my voice
before dissipating like always, and i finally pay attention to
what you're saying, eventually standing and making my way over to
the bed, hesitating before sitting down. what do mean, damon? you've...you've done a lot for me.

@✿ jiwon e。 /i turn so i'm laying on my back,
keeping my eyes shut as a quiet sigh left.
no, we're talking now. /speaking firmly, despite exhaustion.
i want to work out, ji, i just- i- /i trailed off, a small 'um' being drawn out.
i can't do anything for you...

@✿ damon a。 /caught up in the effort to
keep myself busy so i don't think too much i almost
don't catch your voice, until the question registers and i'm freezing where
i kneel beside the television stand; i don't look at you. ...we'll talk later, damon.
just sleep for now. /i still can't bring myself to approach that neon-striped elephant in the room, slowly going back to what i was organizing like a robot rebooting itself.

@✿ jiwon e。 /after a few moments, lulled somewhat by the silence
i start to once again drift off, shifting in place. then, i open
my mouth, slurring my words a bit.
ji, this isn't gonna work, is it?
/my voice was soft, quite quiet, but audible, albeit barely so.

@✿ damon a。 /making sure to take the cup
before you finally lay back down i remain silent, not
wanting to disturb you anymore; as you begin falling asleep i slowly
get up from the bed to throw away the trash, eventually starting to take
care of things around the room - taking my shoes off, closing the bathroom cupboard, etc.

@✿ jiwon e。 /i watched them, staring down at the pills with a very unhappy expression,
shakily taking the water as i knocked the mess back
along with the water, wanting to get it out of the way.
immediately after, i laid back down, pulling the comforter out
from under me and over, closing my eyes.

@✿ damon a。 /without hesitance i drop the two pills in
your outstretched hand, also offering you the cup of water; once
they're out of my grip i turn away to start closing the boxes and set them back
on the side table in case i need to bring them out later (although i really hope it won't
come to that); then i just wait patiently for you to finish taking the medicine, hoping it doesn't
give you any trouble.

@✿ jiwon e。 /i used my sleeves to rub my eyes, not getting up
straight away, barely even moving from the pure lack of desire
to take anything, stretching out my legs as i finally, although very
slowly, sat up, my hand covering my mouth.
f-fine, just give it to me. /i spoke almost angrily, sounding very much
like a kid that was sick, holding my free hand out.

@✿ damon a。 /at the sight and sound of your
obvious discomfort i feel almost horrible for pulling you
back from the edge of sleep, but i know you'll feel better later if you
take something now to help combat the pain. i know, just, please...? for me?
/makes quick work of fumbling with the pill boxes and getting the two that i need,
hoping that making it faster will convince you. it'll help you go to sleep sooner, promise.

[] S A N I C F A S T

@✿ jiwon e。 /my body curled up somewhat, welcoming the sleep
awaiting him, ignoring the nausea and headache that had been
plaguing him since that afternoon, only bettered by the chance to get some shut eye.
when i was interrupted, i almost started crying, being so incredibly ill that
it was seriously affecting my mood.
i just wanna sleep, leave me alone. i feel like e, and sleepin' will help.
/my tone was that of whining, burying my face in the pillow.
go away...

{} F L A S H

@✿ damon a。 /swallows my concerns until they're
buried deep down, knowing it won't do any good to bring them
up until you actually feel better; instead i make quick work of looking through
the cupboard and finding the medicine i'm looking for, at the last minute deciding to
take the box of sleeping pills as well in case they might help; bringing the boxes back with a
paper cup of water i carefully sit on the edge of the bed and place everything on the side table.
damon, hey... /puts my hand on your shoulder and gently shakes you. can you sit up for a second? i promise you can go to sleep right after, but you need to take your medicine.

[] ssshshshshSHHS secret identity !!

@✿ jiwon e。 /i keep close as i try to not fall too far behind,
eyes almost too heavy to keep open, occasionally closing
just to snap open when i'm pulled along. i scan the walls, as if i haven't
seen them before, though i certainly had. being so out of it, i didn't even realise
i was now sitting, rubbing my eyes, feeling like an incompetent little kid.
alright... /my voice was quiet, exhausted, closing my eyes instinctively when you did so.
i shifted to lay down, shutting my eyes with my head on the pillow, almost immediately starting to drift off.

{} you're the f l a s h !!

@✿ damon a。 /slows my gait a fraction because i
don't want you to fall over, making sure to keep a firm grip
on your hand while walking through the halls. eventually finds our room
and pushes open the door, guiding you towards the bed and slowly pushing you to
sit down. stay here for a second. i'm gonna see if i can find anything in the bathroom to help.
/starts standing to walk away, hesitating for a moment before leaning down to press my lips against the
crown of your head and then heading into the other room to search through the cupboard.

[] here we are o/

/sticks a little english flag between the blanket on my side of the bed.
and thus, my territory is marked.

@✿ jiwon e。 @✿ damon a。 Ayyyyyyeeee ♡