`◇ Hakyeon's

@❀ hakyeon c。 Because I want one person to give me the time of day for once without expecting I'm going to take off their arm. /there's a darkness in my eyes and I exhale through my nose, nostrils flaring, as I stand staring at you; the sight of those tears in your eyes only makes me feel that much worse, but there's nothing I could reasonably do to change it; when you speak up, however, it's the last straw for me and what part of my rational mind is steering the conversation; one hand releases the counter and I throw my hand out, knuckles smacking against the lip of a flower pot and sending it careening off the counter toward the floor to shatter, potting soil sent across the floor as a guttural growl rumbles in my chest; turning away from you, I stalk across the store toward the exit, wrenching the door open and flinging it shut behind me in a blind rage so that the glass panes rattle within it almost loud enough to obscure my last shouted words as I storm away from the storefront/ God dammit!

@☾ ryan g。 then why are you trying to convince me i shouldnt be scared of you? /the anger in your own voice makes me step back, coupled with the way your hands grip the counter, and i find myself hugging my own torso, simply staring at you for a long moment; when you hesitate, only to tell me then and there that you cant make that promise to me, my eyes well up with tears upon knowing the one thing i expected to hear and yet so badly wanted to hear the opposite; my eyes fall shut, and i lift a hand to point to the door, my voice eerily soft
go. get out, ryan. just leave. i need-- i need to be by myself. i'll tell you if-- when... when im ready to talk to you again.

@❀ hakyeon c。 I don't expect you not to be scared. It's not an easy thing to handle. But I had my teeth on you, I did, and I wasn't tearing you to ribbons like some kind of animal. /my own voice pitches, angry, a rage that I can't really quell built up too hot and high inside of me; while you turn, finger leveled my direction, I pause, taking a breath to calm myself rather than allowing myself to grow any more irate even as my knuckles grow white and I can feel the pads of my fingers go numb from gripping so tightly to the counter; then you ask for a promise, and I hesitate/ Hakyeon... no, I can't promise you that. I wish I ing could. I wish I could swear I might never bite you again. But I can't because someday, somehow, I would break that promise. But it's not like I would kill you!

@☾ ryan g。 just because im not hopping over this counter to kiss you right now doesnt mean anything, dammit. you're still just as handsome, just as charming-- im sorry im just ing /scared/. /my voice trembles, and i take in a shaky breath before i manage to move, stepping toward the small sink behind the counter to splash water on my face to try and calm myself down, but as soon as you speak i turn on my heel with a finger pointed, eyes fiery as i look to you
im going to lose my lunch over the fact that you ate human flesh right in front of me, that you had to go through something like that in the past. yeah, im ing scared, im scared and worried about-- what if you dont control yourself? what if one day, you're just worn too thin, and im just sitting there looking like the snack i am-- what about then? you wont take a chunk out of me then, huh? can you really even promise me that? that you wont lose control over yourself?

@❀ hakyeon c。 Was being the operative word now, I'm real damn sure. /my fingers curl, nails scraping at the surface of the counter and while I want to try and reason with you, to tell you that you knowing that now changes nothing between us, it's impossible to do so as I stand across the counter from you watching you wrestle with that knowledge/ Look, I get it. I'm not Prince Charming. Hell, I wanna laugh and ask you how you think I got so good at eating . I just-- what am I supposed to say, Hakyeon? You can keep saying you don't see me as a monster, but you're the one standing there like you're going to lose your lunch over what I am.

@☾ ryan g。 i'd rather know it now then never know and always be left in the dark about this guy that i was fawning over yesterday. /your explanation makes me fall silent, lips pressed together in a thin line as i think to what that really means, especially getting lost out in the woods with a friend; i swallow thickly, my eyes growing glassy as i bring a hand to my mouth, fighting the urge to be sick, and though it takes me a moment and my stomach never really settles, i speak in a quiet tone, flinching as your hand smacks the counter
i told you i dont see you as a monster. im sorry i cant sit here and immediately accept that the guy i slept with, you i let nibble at my skin, who drew blood-- is some type of cannibal. i feel sick--

@❀ hakyeon c。 Oh because you knowing that now is going to make you feel better. But you know what? Fine. Cards on the damn table. I was a human being, and a stupid jackass at that. I went out in the mountains, got lost with a friend. I ate flesh to survive. Alright? /though I skip the grisly details, I know there has to be enough there for you to put it together, and yet with us standing here now I know that it doesn't make it any better; I smack my palm against the surface of the counter, agitated to the point of no longer thinking clearly/ I want you to know the guy I am. I want you to see the guy who went without sleep to fix your heater so you wouldn't go cold and the guy who held you while you slept, not just some monster that eats flesh.

@☾ ryan g。 what choice did you have to make, ryan? because that's another thing you've yet to even tell me about. /raising my hands, i gesture vaguely around us, though your words manage to do little to really make me feel any better; scoffing, i shake my head, rolling my eyes as i step back a little, lifting my arms to cross them over my chest, and as i speak and rile myself up, the swear comes from my lips without me really thinking
oh, because keeping these secrets longer would've made it easier for me. i cant get to know someone that's just going to push me away because they think-- they think-- i just-- i cant wrap my brain around this! you want me to get to know you, then fine. just ing tell me what you want me to know.

@❀ hakyeon c。 Then just realize that what you're feeling now, that fear you have. That's everyone I've gotten close to in my life since I had to make that decision. I was barely a man when I made that choice. I may as well have still been a kid trying to figure it out. /realizing I'm growing distracted, I grip onto the edge of the counter and shake my head in response to your accusations; the words that come from your lips only cause my shoulders to rise defensively as if that might somehow make it untrue/ Yeah, I did, and you do. But it's not like I took a chunk out of you. I'm not about to eat you, Hakyeon, when I want to spend my time with you. I kept secrets from you because I didn't want to worry about being shoved away before you even got to know me. But now you're shoving me away because I didn't spill all my dirty laundry when we met!

@☾ ryan g。 no, ryan, i dont know how you feel. i dont know how you're supposed to feel. i've never had to deal with that in my life, so how am i supposed to know how you feel when you have to tell people this? /as you close the distance, my eyes widen a little and i take a brief stumble backwards, though there's a fire that burns in my eyes as i take a step forward once more, trembling as i stand my ground and my voice raises slightly
im not saying you're a monster! im scared because you're a cannibal and im flesh and blood, and you've told me you think i taste good and you even bit me yourself. im scared, and i dont want-- i dont want to be /eaten/. but i dont see you as some monster-- i just dont know what to think of someone that lied to me and kept /secrets/ from me.

@❀ hakyeon c。 I know you do. I never said you don't. But how do you think I feel when every time I have to tell someone what I am this is what it comes down to? Do you have any idea how much I just-- /my hands rise futilely at either side of my body and when you seem no more placated by my explanation, I can feel my own frustrations rising; I close the distance, coming toward the counter, my hands pressing into the surface as I look across it at you/ Why would I tell you when I knew this is exactly what it would end up being? Yeah, you're right, I did bite you. But I wasn't tearing you to shreds. I even put the bandage on myself. You even said yourself that you don't think I'm a monster. So I admit I lied by omission but you standing there like this right now? You essentially lied to me then.

@☾ ryan g。 i have every right to be afraid, do you understand that? you even /bit/ me-- and even then you didnt tell me! /my fingers curl into my palms, a type of fire in my gaze as i look up at you, and even as you step closer i dont yet step away, knowing i still have the counter between us if you cant control yourself, and really that's my biggest concern
you know im naive. you know im too dumb to know this on my own. no one ever told me what that meat was-- the meat that's sitting in my /fridge/ for heaven's sake, even my shop! i dont understand, i really dont. you should have just told me.

@❀ hakyeon c。 Why do you think I didn't tell you? /it's my turn to be incredulous as I gesture between us, this moment exactly the one that I had dread the thought of and been sick of; I take another step forward, coming closer to the counter but still not all that quickly as I hold your gaze/ I ate that meat because I need to, Hakyeon, not exactly because I want to. And yeah, I knew what it was. Hakyeon those sides of meat aren't exactly the right size, or even shape, for beef or pork, you know.

@☾ ryan g。 you should have told me. why didnt you just tell me? /its only at this point that my voice raises just a little, sounding a little more incredulous at the thought that i've been in the dark, that you've let me be in the dark all this time; keeping my gaze on you, i dont yet feel threatened, but as i stand there im thankful for the fact that most of my skin is hidden
you ate that... that /meat/-- right in front of me. did you know what that was? 'cause i didnt. i only found out after calling one of the workers that comes to drop it off!

@❀ hakyeon c。 I'm not saying you should be. /keeping my voice quiet, I find myself subconsciously defensive, my left hand clasping over my right arm, with my forearm braced against my chest; my free hand curls and uncurls from a loose fist while I look to you, my eyes taking you and the sweater clothing your form in/ I told you you probably wouldn't want me around if I explained.

@☾ ryan g。 how could i be? /my tone is almost incredulous, and i tuck my hands into my sleeves, not particularly cold but after what i learned earlier i put on my sweater anyway, and now i almost regretted it, feeling a little too warm; my eyes move from the plants in front of me toward your feet, then slowly make their way up to meet your gaze
you eat human flesh.

@❀ hakyeon c。 /if I couldn't smell it on you already, I can certainly hear the fear in your voice; I pause, the wind almost knocked out of me from just hearing you speak the way you do; ticking a brow up in question, and trying not to let on that I'm all the more affected by your newfound knowledge, I take a single step in to keep from blocking the door, but I keep myself from rushing to the counter/ So I see. Clearly you're not... thrilled with that news.

@☾ ryan g。 /as i stand behind the counter, i know i cant just stand there and wait for you to come to me, so instead i focus on the plants decorating the surface, though with my anxiety i cant seem to make anything grow or even revive; my gaze flicks up to you as you step in, and there's almost a tremble in my limbs when you speak, and i stay silent for a moment before nearly whispering
i learned what a wendigo is...

@❀ hakyeon c。 /though you don't openly say anything to make me aware of it, I can sense a change and I swear I can smell fear on you, though I shake my head and step inside, letting the door fall shut behind me; seeing you stand behind the counter, it's clear that this isn't the way I expected things to be or how I feel that it should be when we had seemed to grow closer not that long ago/ Hey, what's up? You... didn't look very happy earlier. I didn't want to go and cause a scene, but... do we need to talk?

@☾ ryan g。 /after having essentially learned on my own what you were, i had gone back to my shop after my break to tend to everything once more, working along the items to do a quick count; it was finally closing time, as i glanced at the time on my phone, though right when im about to turn around to head to the door, i hear the bells telling me there's another customer, and put on a smile, only for it all to falter upon hearing your voice; the fear makes its way back, and i make my way behind the counter before addressing you
yeah, im here.

@❀ hakyeon c。 /the last thing I wanted to do was cause a scene, and after seeing you out in public I sensed that I wasn't going to get away without explaining myself at least a little bit; I had come to the shop around closing time, and rather than knock on the door I opened it slowly, the bell above the door tinkling softly as I poke my head in/ Hey, Hakyeon? You in here?

- - - - -

@❀ hakyeon c。 Plan on it. /mirroring your shorter replies, I give you a gentle squeeze in my arms while you relax and tuck yourself beneath my chin; my eyes fall shut and I relax, knowing that it would be all too easy to fall asleep while holding you in my arms, and the thought of it alone is oddly comforting/ Goodnight, flowerboy. Have some sweet dreams.

@☾ ryan g。 get used to me. /my replies get shorter as i rest against you, and i know that if i gave in i would just fall asleep with you; however, i stay awake for at least a few moments longer, adoring the kiss to my forehead before i tuck myself under your chin, content as i snuggle against you for the night
yeah... yeah. hey— g’night, handyman.

@❀ hakyeon c。 Then I'll get used to it, Hakyeon. /my own voice is quiet, replies delivered not much louder than the tone of your own voice while I hold you; meeting your gaze, I tip my head, shifting a little to be able to press a small kiss to your forehead before I rest my head back down and a soft sigh escapes my lips/ Good. Then the next time we're in the mood... let's see where we are.

@☾ ryan g。 im saying you might not be used to handling someone like me. /mumbling a little, i turn my head to ghost little kisses over whatever bare skin i can, my nose brushing along your chest as i hum softly to myself; your words earn a smile, and i tip my head up to look at you with hooded eyes and that charming, lopsided smile
i dont think i’d turn it down either.

@❀ hakyeon c。 You think I'm not used to hard work, pretty boy? /while you hold yourself close to me, my eyes travel toward the ceiling, staring upward while my hand runs absently along your bare skin; your question causes me to glance down, listening to the little alcohol-soaked slur that accents your words/ You know if I had the chance to do this again I wouldn't turn it down.

@☾ ryan g。 im high maintenance, you know. it might be a harder job than you’d like. /smiling softly with a soft ‘ahh’ once i finish off the wine, i tip my head at your urging and press my lips to yours in return, only to sink down and snuggle against you under the blanket; my arms come around you, holding myself close to you with a happy hum, my words slurring a little
you like me too? enough that you might wanna do this again?

@❀ hakyeon c。 I'd take it on. I can shoulder it. /laughing quietly, I tip my head back, watching as you so elegantly finish off the wine; bringing one of my hands to your jaw, I lean in close and kiss the corner of your mouth to clear up a little droplet of wine staining your skin a blushing pink before I draw back and sink down, letting you snuggle into my chest while I reach for the blanket to pull it up over us with a lopsided smile on my lips/ I like you too, pretty boy.

@☾ ryan g。 all the time? that’s a big job, you know. /giving a short shake of my head, i grin widely as you groan from just a kiss, and i give your arm a pat before withdrawing to tip my head back and essentially chug the rest of the wine, and once the bottle is empty i set it on my nightstand before shifting to snuggle against your chest once more, clearly affected by the wine at this point
mmph— you’re warm. i like warm. i like you.