Studio 100

@felix lee /everything about this moment showed nothing but patience and concern. two different emotions that i was met with up until now and it's jarring, i don't know what to say or do. i don't know how to respond to that. so for a moment, i just kind of stare at you and quietly nod along to what you're saying. you told me to sit here and wait, that much i could do. you tell me you've got me and brush your fingers over my cheek and i'm leaning into the touches. you're speaking again and i'm listening again. you're telling me that i'm not falling short, that i'm doing plenty -- perhaps /too much/, more than i can physically handle and... and... the tears are flowing down my cheeks uncontrolled now, silent in their wake. i let out a quiet, choked sob and nods slowly as i cradle the glass of water in my hands, feeling guilty for numerous reasons -- the main one being the same teary glint in your eyes.
o-okay..
/that's all i say. that's all i can say. your tone left no room for arguments and i was in no shape to try to put up a fight. i've drank half of the glass by the time you return to my side, leaning my head back against the wall to gaze over at you with a light smile, lashes wet.
'course i do.. i trust you, lixie.
/i take one final sip of the water before setting the glass down, taking a few deep breathes to prepare myself. after a moment, i begin carefully pushing myself up to my feet while using the back as a main support until i'm able to fully stand up. my hand is still trembling as it reaches towards you, hooking our fingers together in a lazy hand-hold and gives a nod to show that i'm alright.

@sweet puppup baby please just sit here, wait for me chris, okay? i've got you
/im so sweet, so soft and gentle, its so different from your past. even if i dont know all of your past, all of what has shaped you into the workaholic i know you are, i know that this is important to you, and while im always so nice and sweet with you, this is an important moment as well. so my fingers brush through your hair as i get you to sit against the wall, i brush my fingers over your cheek. im silently hoping that you're not with it enough to notice that im crying.
you be quiet, christopher. you are not falling short, you are always doing enough. in fact, you're doing too much. so you're going to sit here, drink that water, and then i'll be right back and then we'll get going, okay? okay
/my tone is firm but its not unkind, heaving a sigh before im getting up and doing what i need to. unfortunately, as im gathering a few things for you (leaving your laptop here, of course), im crying softly, tucking your stuff into a bag and slinging it over my shoulder. before i leave though, i grab a granola bar, gentle as i place it into your hand once im back and kneeling next you for a second.
okay... c'mon. the way back to my dorm is quick, and you can lay down there with me, okay? no more apologizing. you trust me, right?

@felix lee /deep down, i know what i'm saying is a lie. there's been this voice in the back of my head that i've been actively ignoring this whole time. it kept trying to warn me that this would happen if i didn't stop, if i didn't reach out, if i didn't admit i needed help. a part of me really did still hate to admit that i wasn't steady on my feet or that i had lost my footing entirely. perhaps it was because of my father, the way i thought this way and the way i did things like this to myself without batting an eye. a part of his behavior conditioned me to be/act a certain way in adulthood even though he wasn't physical with us at all -- it was his words and his heavy presence.
/on the flip side of this whole situation, the last time i had passed out when i had still lived with my family in australia. it was two days before i was boarding the plane to start a new life outside of everything i've ever known -- truthfully, it was /this/ fight that prompted me to book an earlier flight. i just remember coming to on the floor of the kitchen, trying to sit up to see my father standing over me. he was shouting but i couldn't hear him at first, couldn't come out of it quick enough but there were all sorts of words tossed around that day -- from both of us. i'm not proud of what my behavior, it was unlike me to snap like that, but this... this was a completely different reaction that what i've normally gotten. you weren't pissed at me for not doing more, and you weren't telling me that i should've been able to endure longer, that i was weaker than you thought. i'm almost confused. it's a reaction i don't ever picture you doing, especially not in regard to me, but for some reason i had braced myself anyways. i had tensed up when you even slightly raised your voice, eyes squeezing shut as my head ducks low. however, when nothing ends up happening, i try to brush it off as nothing, peering around for something to lean on while you go gather my things. my hands are keeping a weak grasp on you as i begin to carefully maneuver myself towards the wall, propping against it and taking a few deep breaths so that the room can stop spinning. i open my eyes a short moment later and reach for the water you tried getting me to drink earlier. surprisingly, i don't spill it all over myself while bringing the glass close to take a careful sip.
okay.. o-okay, i'll.. i.. i'll drink the water, i'll stay right here.. i'm sorry, i.. wasn't doin' enough, could've done m-more..

@sweet puppup baby /im not quite in hysterics yet, but it really is just a matter of time before i at the very least sound like i am, worried immensely for you and it shows the more we talk. or rather, im scared, and you're still trying to get yourself together, at least enough that i can be able to properly care for you. im terrified, and your words-- well, im sure you're trying to be helpful, to calm me down, but it only really makes it worse. a whimper ends up choked in the back of my throat as i try to hold onto you a little tighter.
thats not okay! and it does matter! chris, please... /please/ dont say these things
/i almost whimper the words, honestly, as im trying to hold onto you still. you're a big guy, you definitely work out more than i do and those kinds of things, so if it ever came down to actual strength you'd have leverage. but right now, its not about that. its my fear, my worry, my raw and genuine concern for you that wins out as you end up slumping into me, giving in, giving up. there's a sound of relief when you relax with me again, and as best as i try to hold myself back, i do end up sniffling, stifling a soft little sob as i hold you just a bit tighter.
okay... o-okay, i can do that. i just... i... we'll go to my dorm then okay? and we'll stay there, plenty of room for you to stay with me. can you drink a little more water for me, baby? sit up and drink, and i'll get your stuff and we can go.

@felix lee /you're babbling, and it's not nonsense, it's genuine concern and it's a tone i've never heard you use before. your voice was wobbling and only then did i realize what state you were in. i could see the tears in your eyes, streaming down your cheeks. i could see the emotions flying about in your eyes -- the panic, the fear, the guilt, everything. it makes me blink a few times because... it almost looks strange on you. i'm confused, i don't know what's wrong or what happened to have gotten you upset -- i'm clearly not fully aware of my own state. my eyebrows are slowly pulling together as i stare up at you, brain feeling like mush as it drags along trying to catch up to what's going on.
lixie.. 'm okay, promise.. 'm not that hurt -- just got.. knocked to the g-ground.. twice, i think.. doesn't matter -- why are you crying..? what's.. what's wrong?
/there's a string of low whines that i let out in protest when you grab on to me and pull me back down, preventing me from getting up. my face is forcibly shoved into your chest and i'm kind of pinned there for the moment. i try to get up again but my body gives out and i slump against you with a weak groan, fingers curling into your sleeves and gripping tightly. there was still some fight in me, still some resistance towards the idea of doing anything that didn't involve working. but then something wavers in me at the way your voice breaks and wobbles. that's when you /sounded/ scared. almost immediately, all of the fight leaves me and i close my eyes, pressing my forehead against your shoulder and taking a deep breath. i nod my head to give a show that i wasn't going to argue with you any further on it. i didn't have the strength to anyways. i was starting to feel dizzy again, that same nauseous feeling was returning.
okay.. okay.. but.. if -- if i stay here, i'm.. i'm just gonna get back to work, lix.. take.. t-take me away from.. my responsibilites.. just for a short while.. please..

@sweet puppup baby /it looks like you're in so much pain after i ask you such a simple question, all i wanted was to get some sort of idea about how you're feeling, what happened to get you here. my hands continue soothing you though, because it seems to help you relax bit by bit, the only thing i could really do for you right now. but im listening as you confess to what has been going on, frowning a little because i feel quite bad over crying over this, but im so scared, so worried. as you tell me these things, im shushing you quietly, telling you its okay (even though we both know its not) but its moreso to keep you from feeling guilty.
you're hurt, baby? someone hurt you last night? my poor boy... i.. i-im sorry, im sorry i didnt come here sooner. i should have, i really should have. listen-- im not gonna go anywhere now okay? im here, we're gonna take care of you.
/getting you to relax initially was okay, but now you're suddenly panicked, i can sense it and im shaking my head, quietly crying out for you when i can tell you're hyperfocusing. my arms slide around you, a bit forcefully pulling you in and against me, forcing you to bury your face in my chest, trying to fight the sobs that threaten to bubble up in my throat. but im trying to hold you against me, prevent you from leaving or getting up.
chris! chris, hey, stop it. you're here, you're right here, with me. you're gonna stay here, with me. we'll get some food in you, a shower, a nap. okay? there's no arguing. we're going to do all of that, and i'll take care of some things for you. trust me, please.
/my voice breaks a little towards the end there, swallowing thickly and hugging you a little tighter. its only when i have to sniffle that i realize i actually am crying, my face is a little wet with tears. how embarrassing, unfair.

@felix lee /i'm only just now starting to regain some sort of coherency, registering the fact that we were in my apartment, just inches away from my bedroom door. how did i get here? what happened for me to get into this situation? i remember... barely able to unlock my front door, spending an embarrassing amount of time to get the key into the keyhole. what was before that, though? the sudden smell of stale alcohol hits me and i inhale sharply, eyes falling shut as the memories come flooding back. i'm remembering slowly while sinking further against you, managing to lift a hand and curl my fingers into the front of your shirt as my head lolls against your shoulder. your hand is smoothing my hair back and it's comforting, soothing. the crease between my brows relaxes and some of the tension bleeds from my shoulders.
mmh, i -- no, i, uh.. work -- t-there was.. so much work to do.. holiday season.. homework, TA work, bartending.. was too much, wasn't eating.. couldn't sleep without you.. going on day three of little to no sleep and small snacks.. whenever i remembered.. had a shift last night, i think..? yeah, there was a, uh, sports event.. people were ro-rowdier than normal.. had to separate some fights.. think i might've gotten hit accidentally, was sent home.. came h-here then everything started spinnin'.. tried textin'.. blacked out 'fore i could get far..
/then i'm shaking my head a little, i still had so much work to do. so much assignments that were due. how long was i even out? did i miss a deadline? the thought seems to spur me awake in a panic. i try to get up, mumbling something about assignments, how i didn't have time to eat. clearly in autopilot mode, my mind was set on nothing but work work work work work and work that it was loud up there in my head. all the noises i kept hearing were nothing but reminders of deadlines and essays and paperwork and training the new guy and getting that drink tossed at me when i said no to a drunk woman trying to give me her number. did i still smell like her martini?

@sweet puppup baby /right now, all i can think about is what could have gotten you in this state. im slowly putting the pieces together, too, because i know you've been busy these days. some part of me is scolding myself: why didnt i call sooner? why didnt i text you more often? why didnt i come over the second i had any indication that something was wrong? you werent like this, not usually, ignoring texts or calls-- unless you were overworked. and so i really, really should have put two and two together. how dare i not be more attentive?
i've got you, baby. just drink a little more for me, okay? slow breathing... take it easy. just listen to my voice, okay?
/im saying more things along those lines, putting the water aside for right now because i dont want you to be overwhelmed with the whole situation. instead, im petting at your hair, talking to you quietly, honestly at a loss for what to do but doing my best. that's all that can be asked of me, thats what i keep telling myself. as you lift your head to begin looking around, im careful as i support you, shaking my head a little. at this point im trying not to cry, sniffling softly as i watch you, petting your hair back.
i dont know, actually. you texted me, said... well, i think you said you dont feel well, and then you wouldnt answer my call. so i came over... do you know what happened, chris?
/honestly i have a clue, my arms sliding around you and i feel... pain, multiple types, though for now i chalk it up to sympathy as i hold you a little closer.
try to talk to me a little. did you eat? lets have some dinner, sit down on the couch with me?

@felix lee /everything's spinning. i know it's you, i could always recognize you amongst the crowd of a million people. there was a certain feel about you, a certain way you touched me in comparison to the others around me, and a certain way you said my name or called out to me. the sound of your voice was a melody i could make out amongst any tune i came across -- and if blindfolded, i'd be able to know it was you by a single touch. it was like my body, and every atom in me, had memorized all of you to a point where you radiate within me at a frequency only i could hear, feel, see, taste, and touch. i could always figure out that it was you no matter what state i was in. and i could tell you were trying to talk to me but your words sounded so muddled, as though my head had been dunked underwater. i could tell you were trying to get more water in me, could taste the cool liquid as it soothes my dry throat. taking careful and light sips was the best way to do it, although i was a little careless about it as a bead of water rolls down my chin.
/there is an attempt at trying to speak, though; quiet, unintelligible mumbles as my eyes fluttered, fighting to stay conscious as another wave washes over me. after a second, i take a slow deep breath in -- chest rattling with the effort -- and eased my eyes open again. i'm sitting up now. more specifically: /you/ are holding me up. i'm leaning against you, vision gradually focusing on the trash can placed in front of me. i know what it's for but the feeling isn't building. it's actually starting to subside a little. the bitter feeling was still lingering on my tongue, though. and it takes several minutes of me just laying there against you, barely responding to anything you do or say, for me start coming out of it. i start letting out low hums in response to something you'd say, even able to lift my head from your shoulder to peer around blearily in confusion. my voice slurs and i'm barely able to finish a sentence without trailing off.
wha.. mmh.. w-what.. happened? w-where did.. you..

@sweet puppup baby /the second you're choking on the water im trying to get you to drink, there's a mix of relief and worry that rushes through me. im not sure what to do at first, im not a nurse, im not certified for this kind of stuff, but i do worry and i know i need to do something. while you're struggling, im calling your name softly, gently trying to get you to sit up, lean against me, tip your head back so i can get some more water in you.
baby, hi, its okay, shhh... im here, im here, whats wrong? can you talk to me?
/but you cant, i know you cant, and thats whats bothering me and i feel the familiar prickly feeling in my nose, my breath hitching slightly as i set the water aside. when you groan, my eyes widen and im carefully propping you to lay down better, running off to grab one of your trash cans. after getting you situated with the can nearby, leaning into me but ready to help at any moment, im shushing you quietly and petting over your hair and back.
quiet, quiet, just relax. lay here, sip some water, we'll figure this out. okay? o-okay...

@felix lee /a minute ago, the world was moving too fast for me to be able to comprehend. now? it was moving too slow. it was if my frame rate had dropped the second i did and i was seeing everything in slow-motion. i could barely keep my eyes open, they felt so heavy -- my entire body felt so heavy. i couldn't move, not even to answer the phone when it began to ring. seeing the screen light up, unable to make out the id due to blurry eyes, i felt a wave of panic rush through me; i really regretted not telling you sooner. i always hated passing out, it brought out the worst anxiety in me sometimes. this was, sadly, not my first time overworking myself to the brink of losing consciousness. on the other hand, i've never felt this /heavy/ before. perhaps it's because i'm away from home -- the thoughts keep spinning, round and round and i almost feel drunk on delirium.
/i'm out cold by the time you come rushing through the front door, having unable to get up or keep myself awake. and for a few moments, there isn't any response from me as i lay there, so unnervingly lax that i'm practically limp, boneless. nothing seems to work until waters comes into play. my instincts seem to kick in as i somehow manage to cough myself awake after choking on the liquid, trying to will myself to move but my arm ends up falling back to my side after only lifting a few inches. i feel so lethargic, so sluggish and weak that it was difficult to open my eyes at first, forcing them halfway open to try to register what was going on.
fe... felix...?
/and man did my voice sound just as rough as i look. where did you come from, anyways? last i knew you were... huh... why can't i seem to remember anything? trying to think only make my head spin more, and more i feel like i might throw up. i let out a faint groan as the nauseous feeling settles uncomfortably in my stomach.

@sweet puppup baby /i've had this nagging feeling all day that something was wrong, but i also know that you've been quite busy so i didnt want to disturb you. regardless, i've texted you a few times, just to check in, but its the fact that the last thing i had said to you had gone unread, unopened, and you havent responded. so maybe that's why im antsy, debating on going over-- you're not that far away, i could just swing by-- but again, i dont want to disturb you. but then its the text i get, a jumbled up sentence, that has me rushing off and grabbing your spare key to go over to your place. though i try calling you, there's no answer, and i curse as im rushing out into the cold. it doesnt take me long to get to your place, trying to get the key in the lock and shoving my way inside
chris? chris-- oh my god--
/everything is dropped when i see you on the floor, myself included, crawling over to you and instantly im tugging on you, double and triple checking to make sure you're alive, relief flooding over me when you are. but then im going about trying to get you to wake up, at least a little, which also involves me getting some water to force you to drink something (as best as i can).
chris, baby, open your eyes for me, say something, please?

@felix lee /i told myself that it was going to be fine. i've endured situations like these before and ended up just fine, a scratch in sight. a part of me foolishly thought that nothing would happen, and yet here i am trying to shake the black spots. i've barely slept in the past 4 days and haven't really eaten all that much other, at least nothing that counts as an actual meal. everything is swaying, i'm seeing doubles, and i swear my vision keeps going in and out. i try making my way to the bedroom, using the wall as leverage when it starts getting difficult to keep upright. my hands are shaking as they fumble with the phone in a desperate attempt to text you before everything seems to weigh down fully on me and the next thing i know, i'm on the floor, phone now out of reach. i had managed to send a scrambled sentence before dropping the device and collapsing entirely.