✩ prompts

- tw: mentions of child abandonment, bullying, mental health, verbal abuse, light drama, and self-hatred/blame
- note: grammar; redundant and cringey description

{ Flashback }
growing up without father wasn't easy for me. on the night of christmas day, he told mother that he no longer loves her and left with us for his mistress. the mistress he was seeing right has two boys whom I didn't actually know about.

"I don't love you anymore, I'm leaving." father said to mother before leaving us.

after that day, my world fell apart. i guess father never loved mother and I in the first place. I end up blaming myself for not begging him to stay. mother told me it wasn't my fault, but it still is regardless.

a week after new years, the divorce was finalized. father looked at me with a cold stone face one last time before leaving the court room and left without saying goodbye to me.

i ran up to him to give him a hug, but he pushed me off. “I’m going to leave you and never come back to you.”

Those are the final words as father continue walking away from me as I cry in silence while mother comforts me. I became heartbroken because of it.

With that, father refuses to provide a single penny to us since he was exempted from paying child support to us and ignore our pleas.
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when I was in elementary school, my classmates would often make fun of me and make mean remarks for being fatherless kid every time father's day came. i would go outside and stay on the play ground swings.

"Fatherless"

"What a loser."

"Haha, she doesn't have a father"

"She only has her mommy"

"What a mommy's little girl"

"Crybaby"

"No wonder your daddy doesn't love you"

Those words from my classmates and the other kids in school were a constant echo in my head being thrown at my way

I just wish they would shut the hell up and leave me alone. all i wanted was to be alone. i don't need friends, just only me, myself, and i.

once i'm alone, tears brim down my cheeks. it wasn't because of the mean remarks. it's because all of my classmates have their own dads and I was the only one who doesn't.

I envy them when their own fathers would come to the classroom to surprise them, have birthday parties, and other fun stuff I wanted to do with father. in the end, it was just only a mere wishful thinking.

with his t.a. helping out in the classroom, my teacher would often find me and would cheer me up.

since then, my teacher was the reason why I need to be strong and brave for my mother because he knew she was having a much tougher time than i am since she doing her best to make ends meet for while raising me alone,

he was a better father figure than my own. someone i actually i look up to.
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as years pass since father left me and mother, he doesn't bother to visit me in person for my birthdays nor call me to check up on me. this shows he doesn't really cars about me and just treats me like I'm invisible to him.

mother always reassured me that he'll come around one day. but in reality in her eyes, he'd not actually coming back. he was too busy with his career as a politician in the blue house and his other family.

during my second year of high school, i signed up the foreign exchange program to study aboard in London, England. I assigned to go The Harrodian School. I was able to make new friends along the way and some understood my struggles to fit in as they include me in their school activities.
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{ End of Flashback - Present }

Now, I'm a member of a girl group with 12 other girls. despite being the I'm youngest, some of my unnies would often treat me like a baby which can be endearing and annoying at the same time. I honestly didn't mind since I had no siblings growing up.

one day, i received a mysterious letter from an anonymous person who claims to be my half-brother. more like twin half-brothers. not wanting to bother my members with my personal issues, I snuck out of the dorm without them nor our manager looking. I hop on my motor scooter with my cat ear helmet on.

I was wearing my normal clothes: my tech style two-piece cargo skirt set with my hair in a bun.

I arrive at the meeting destination: the internet cafe. I park my motor scooter before I hop off and head inside of the internet cafe, only to see two pair of identical guys waiting for me so I begin to join them of where they're sitting at. one twin wears sporty and street clothing while the other wears a preppy outfit.

"hi, glad you made it. I was worried you weren't gonna show up. I'm kikwang by the way, the younger twin." the guy wearing the sporty street outfit introduced as kikwang.

"wait, aren't you one of the dancer from sdz?" I asked politely, receiving a nod from kikwang

"...I'm kiwoo, the older twin." the guy with the preppy outfit said in a mysterious, yet quiet tone.

at first, we were awkward with each other at first..then we gotten to known each other with no issues while opening our issues to each other about father since we somehow end up knowing they share the same dad as me.

I was lucky that my half twin brothers seem to show no sign arrogance and were very nice men/

one thing for sure that we all share something in common: father.

Soft music floated through the air in the cozy apartment, setting the perfect mood as Nari hummed along, darting between the dining room and kitchen. Her steps were light, and her smile was radiant. It was a special day—the 20th anniversary of their relationship, dating back to their high school days, including the 11th anniversary of their marriage. She had planned everything meticulously to rekindle the passion that had dimmed over time.

The dining table was beautifully set, with fine china, fresh flowers, and candles. A lavish meal was prepared, each dish crafted with love and care. Nari’s cheeks flushed as she admired herself in the mirror, her figure hugged by delicate lacey lingerie, over which she draped a silky dressing gown. She felt a giddy sense of anticipation—would her husband even make it to dessert, or would she be dessert?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the ticking clock. It was already late! She rushed to finish her makeup and hurriedly arranged the dinner table. Just as she lit the candles, the clock struck 7:00 PM. Sitting at the dnner table, her heart raced in excitement as she waited for him to walk through the door.

But minutes turned into an hour. Then two. The candles burned halfway down. Her phone chimed, breaking the heavy silence. A message.

“I’m on a sudden business trip. Don’t wait for me.”

The words blurred in her vision as tears pooled in her eyes. Determined to hear his voice, she dialed his number. It rang endlessly before he finally picked up, his tone sharp with irritation.

“Do you know how late it is? I have to get up early tomorrow.”

“Darling, I’m sorry to disturb you, but—”

“Just say what you want and hang up.”

Her voice trembled. “You promised you’d be home today.”

“Stop throwing a tantrum. I’ll be back in two weeks.”

The line went dead before she could say anything else. Staring at the black screen of her phone, the tears she had held back finally spilled over. She whispered into the empty room, “Happy anniversary... I love you.”

Blowing out the candles, she carried the plates of cold, untouched food to the trash, her appetite long gone. The joy she had felt earlier had been replaced by an aching emptiness. After cleaning up, Nari went to bed, curling up around a midsized plush orca toy. Tears soaked its soft fabric as she whispered into the dark, “I’m so lonely.”

Two Weeks Later

Nari returned home from work, her spirits lifted when she noticed her husband’s shoes by the door. He was back! A smile broke across her face as she tucked his shoes neatly into the shelf. However, her fingers paused when she noticed a pair of unfamiliar women’s shoes.

“Darling, I’m home~” she called out cheerfully, stepping into the apartment. Her voice faltered slightly when she entered the living room giving away her surprise. There, sitting comfortably on the sofa, were her husband and her best friend, chatting cheerfully.

Nari greeted them with a smile, hugging them both before offering to cook dinner. Her friend declined, leaving in a hurry. Alone with her husband, Nari moved to kiss him, but he turned his face away, muttering, “I need to shower.”

After dinner, her husband pulled out a bouquet of her favorite flowers and handed her a wrapped gift. Her heart softened as she smiled lovingly at him. Just as she opened to thank him, he said, “You thought I forgot that today is our anniversary, didn’t you? I love you, Nari.”

Her smile faltered. “Our anniversary was two weeks ago...”

The air grew tense. His face darkened with irritation. “Why can’t you just be grateful? I remembered, didn’t I? What more do you want?”

Her voice wavered, careful not to escalate the argument. “I just want to spend more time with you... That’s all.”

He scoffed, running a hand through his hair. “Who do you think I’m working so hard for? All those late nights and business trips? It’s for you. You love the luxury, don’t you?”

His words stung. As he brushed past her, his shoulder bumped hers, causing the bouquet and gift to fall to the floor. The gift box tumbled open, revealing a pair of designer Louboutin shoes. Nari stared at them, tightening. After the argument it felt wrong to accept them, did he really think she married him because of money? Since when did he think of her like that?

“Where are you going?” Nari called after him as he grabbed his coat. Her voice was small, pleading.

He turned at the door, his expression cold and dismissive. “None of your business.”

And then he was gone.

Nari sank to the floor, her gaze fixed on the door he had slammed behind him. The flowers lay discarded, petals crushed. Her heart felt as broken as the fragile stems. For the first time in their 20 years together, Nari wondered if she had been holding on to something that was already gone.

No she couldn't think like this. He was only stressed about work she had to be more understanding, support him. Everything will be back to how it was before.

PART 2

Perhaps this was her sign, that it was time to get over this one-sided love. It was easy for her to see she was being replaced. And his weak excuses for not hanging out with her to be with Wonyoung only proved that. Her lips parted with a shaky breath, her hands reaching out for her phone in a moment of sudden courage. Her heart ached with longing and tears welled in her eyes as she typed out a message.

Xiaoyu proceeded to pour her heart out. Words of love, longing, care, and respect for her best friend filled her screen. Fear of losing him and their friendship followed, and she had to take a moment to collect herself as tears made her screen blurry. She finally confessed, her heart pounding in her chest as she bared herself to him, her fingers trembling as she finished and took a deep breath. “I love you, the key to my lock.” closed out her message to him in Japanese, his native language that she had been secretly learning for him.

She laid back on her bed and stared at her screen for several minutes. She had detailed their first meeting, how she had slowly crushed on him as she got to know him, his caring nature and stupid smirk capturing her heart time and time again. How before she knew it, that crush had turned into love. “My first love, Maekawa Isekai, my Kiki…” Her voice was barely above a whisper as she closed out of her notes app. His face filled her screen, a candid picture of the two of them, with his smile beaming down at her as she pouted from his growth spurt almost had her choking on a sob.

Xiao let out a heavy exhale, bringing the screen to her lips, allowing her to give herself the illusion of kissing her first love. Perhaps in another life, he’d love her too and they could be together. But she knew that was just wishful thinking, and for the sake of her sanity, she had to move on. How? She didn’t know yet. Perhaps going on a date or two was a good way to start. And as much as it hurt, perhaps distancing herself from Kion for a while would help ease the pain, make it easier to get away.

Newfound determination filled her as she set her phone aside. It would take time, she knew that, but she /would/ get over her love for Isekai…even if it meant leaving him for good.

PART 1

Maybe this was a mistake. A thought that constantly seemed to plague Liu Xiaoyu as of late. It had been a few years since she had been in South Korea, but she truly had never felt more alone than she did in moments like this. A sigh fell from the young girl’s lips as she died in her game once more. Giving up for the night, she logged out but didn’t move from her spot. It seemed like her mind couldn’t focus on her games anymore and she couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. No. She knew exactly why, but admitting it meant admitting other things and she just…didn’t /want/ to deal with it.

Her arrival to the country had been spontaneous, driven by her company’s desire to expand her popularity and break her into a more global market. So it was a no-brainer to send the Chinese teen idol known as Kiwi to a Korean survival show. She knew pretty quickly that she didn’t fit the Korean standards for beauty, especially back then. She was shorter and chubbier than she is now, something that always seemed to get her a second too long of a stare.

It was a long and frankly traumatizing experience, but it had been worth it when her name got called for the final lineup, albeit the last one. She wasn’t stupid, she knew the only reason she made it as far as she did was for her talent, for it was easy to see that the Korean industry preferred looks over talent. This was made especially clear by the trainee known as Jang Wonyoung, who had remained high in popularity rankings for her looks alone. The girl wasn’t completely talentless, of course. Xiaoyu would begrudgingly admit the girl was pretty decent. But she wasn’t better than way too many trainees that didn’t make it.

Wonyoung was taller, prettier, and richer. Everything that Xiaoyu wasn’t, and adding that she was the youngest contestant and she was instantly everyone’s favorite. It irked Xiaoyu to no end, but it helped her a little that she constantly ranked high enough through her singing. But she really should have known better. It shouldn’t have surprised her for Wonyoung to suddenly surge in the talents ranking and come out in 1st place in the finals. It had to be rigged, Xiaoyu was sure of it, but of course, she had no proof.

Even as a group, Xiaoyu’s bitterness seemed to only grow for the younger girl, who was easily the most popular member of the group and always doted on by their other members. It was a long two and a half years, and to make things worse, her contract with her company in China had ended and she needed to find a new one. She started auditioning for company after company, only to be rejected each time.

So she decided to enroll in school to keep herself in the country longer. And while much more mundane, things seemed to look up for a while. Her eyes landed on a picture of her and another young guy, both smiling cheesily and almost stupidly as they ate ice cream. It felt like a cruel joke to see it, almost like it was mocking her current situation. The male in the picture was none other than Maekawa Isekai, or as most knew him, Kion. But to her? He was her Kiki. Her best friend, her favorite gaming buddy, and somehow…her first love. She had always told herself that her first love had been one of her other friends, Junghao, for he had been her first boyfriend.

But she had never felt anything like what she felt for Isekai for anyone else before. Which, the more she thought about it, the more it seemed likely that was what made it hard to accept. It would have been easier to have Junghao as her first love. They were able to easily laugh about the time they were “in love” as children. Laughing about it with Isekai was completely out of the question. He actually might laugh at her for real if he knew anyway, and she couldn’t risk that.

Xiaoyu still remembers when they first met. She had been training and working on her dancing, taking up extra classes and workshops at Studio Danz. She was talented in singing, and her stage presence was always praised, but her dancing always needed more work. That was when she saw him. He was so fluid in the way he moved, so powerful yet smooth. It was mesmerizing and seeing the smirk pull at his lips when he nailed a move made her heart flutter in a way she wasn’t used to.

It only got worse when she finally spoke to him. It had just been a simple greeting, a fleeting hello as he walked by when leaving the studio, but his voice echoed in her ears throughout her whole lesson. Then they were in the same workshop for once, and fate had given her luck for they had somehow gotten paired together. Their synergy was automatic, falling into a rhythm with each other that made it seem like they did that all the time. His smirk was aimed at her for the first time, and instantly Xiao found herself greedily wanting more.

Fate seemed to be on her side, for less than a week later during a game session, she heard his voice. It was like when they danced, the two of them easily worked together to defeat the other team during their session. It took no persuading herself to send him a friend request afterward, which he had quickly accepted. From that moment on, a beautiful friendship blossomed between the two. One that to this day, Xiaoyu holds near and dear to her heart.

Over time, their bond only grew as they faced countless virtual battles, and found themselves in an almost constant state of banter with each other. Rolled eyes, smirks, pouts and playful shoves were all too common when the two were in each other’s presence. And Xiao lived for every moment, feeling for the first time that maybe it /wasn’t/ a mistake to be in South Korea.

Her music changed to one of X.MPIRE’s latest releases, the now familiar timbre of Kion’s voice filling her room. It wasn’t the first time she had heard his voice, far from it, but hearing it this way was a reminder that things between them were different now. It hurt to accept of course, because even when he first debuted, they still had their gaming sessions as usual. His deep voice threw jokes and jabs at her, and she right back to him, as they played until the late hours of the night.

A hand reached up to angrily rub at her right eye, the sting coinciding with the alarm that reminded her to take her drops and medicine. She remembered the first time she took them in front of him and the concerned frown that made her heart clench. It took a moment but, she had grown to trust him and so she confessed. She was going blind in her eye. At least, that’s what the doctors told her was happening.

An injury had damaged her eye, and while an emergency surgery saved her for the most part, it was still possible she’d lose her sight. It usually didn’t bother her much, as long as she stayed on top of her meds. The drops helped the most, keeping her eyes from getting dry, which always made it worse. She had resigned herself to her fate, but a silly joke about how badass she’d look with an eyepatch from the other had her laughing about the situation for the first time.

Maybe if she could pinpoint exactly where things had started to change between them, she could fix it. Was it when he was preparing for his debut? She had known he was a trainee, though she didn’t know what company he was under. She knew about his frustration with his status, and how he, like her and many other trainees, longed for debut. She had thought they were close enough for him to tell her but, it came as a surprise when X.MPIRE made a comeback and there he was in the music video.

Suddenly, the times he apologetically canceled plans made sense. He was preparing for his debut. That was a year ago now, and despite what she was sure was a busy schedule, he always made time for her again, at least until recently. She thought back to the most recent time he canceled on her, citing being caught up in something, and annoyance filled her. She had been there when he had his fight with his group member Win. She had been about to stop him and step in when a familiar figure beat her to it and pulled him away before any of them truly knew what was happening.

It felt like a slap to her face, seeing Wonyoung pull Kion away like she owned him, and to see him follow her so openly and willingly. Since when had they been close? Since when had they even known each other? Why hadn’t Kion mentioned her in any of their hangouts? Jealousy surged through her, though she knew it was unreasonable. Kion was allowed to have other friends besides her of course but…did it have to be Jang Wonyoung? Did Wonyoung even remember her?

That didn’t matter, what /did/ matter was the possibility that Wonyoung was the real reason for the recent distance between her and Kion. She grabbed a pillow and clenched it with a small pout as she sat on her bed. Why did it bother her so much? Was it because it was Wonyoung? No, truthfully, Xiaoyu would feel this way with any other girl, it was just /worse/ because it was Wonyoung. Still, her heart clenched tightly as her eyes welled up.

The only good thing to happen to her since being in South Korea was being ripped away from her, and there was nothing she could do about it. It wasn’t even like she could confess her feelings to him either, not after he told her about a similar situation with a former friend of his. She decided at that moment she would never tell him, greedily not wanting to risk the friendship that they had built over the years.

She never even told him her other secret. When he debuted, there had been backlash, as there always was when a new member joined X.MPIRE. Before Xiaoyu even realized what she was doing, she had grabbed her laptop and made a fansite for Kion, creating his very first fanclub. Despite her bias being Minhyuk, she worked extra hard to make sure she got the best pictures and videos of Kion, promoting him as best as she could and watching with pride as his popularity slowly grew.

Chapter one: a first love can never truly be // part 3

When Rak was summoned to his grandfather’s office, his heart sank. He had a feeling he knew exactly what this was about.

The first thing he saw when he stepped inside the spacious, formal office was the sight of two large suitcases sitting by the door. His grandfather was seated behind the polished wooden desk, his steely eyes fixed on Rak as he entered. The tension in the room suffocating. “Are you traveling somewhere, Grandfather?” Rak asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“No,” Mr. Keerati replied sharply, his tone as cold as the air in the room. “You will continue your studies abroad.” The words hit Rak like a punch to the stomach. He couldn’t breathe. “But—” he started, but his words were immediately cut off by the harsh slap of his grandfather’s hand hitting the desk. “You will go,” the older man snarled, his voice laced with authority. “You will leave tomorrow. You will not bring shame to the Keerati family again. End of discussion.”

Rak’s heart twisted in his chest. He knew what this was about. He knew what his grandfather was forcing him to do. It wasn’t just about school im general; it was about him—his relationship with the man he loved, he knew if it was the daughter of a staff member no one in his family would care but he had to fall in love with a man.

Rak had been naive, thinking his love would survive his family. But his grandfather had made it clear that there was no room for such shame in their prestigious family. And yet, something inside Rak stirred. For the first time, he found his voice. “No,” he said, his voice steady despite the storm of emotions inside him. “I love him and I won't leave. You can’t change anything about that.”

His grandfather scoffed, leaning back in his chair. “Love?” he repeated, as though the very word disgusted him. No, as if the sight of his very own grandson disgusted him after hearing those words. “Do I need to remind you that his family works for us? For ME. That he’s only in that school because of MY money? His scholarship is paid for by ME. Do you really think you can keep him in your life when I have the power to take back everything I gave him? I can fire his family, withdraw the funds for his scholarship. Will he still love you then, when his family is ruined because of you?”

The words hit Rak like a slap but more painful. His stomach churned with guilt. He had put his love in danger. The future of the man he loved, the person who had been his everything for the past years, was now at risk because of him.

Tears welled up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He clenched his fists, feeling the tremble in his hands, but he couldn’t make himself argue any longer. He lost... everything. “I… I’ll do it,” he whispered, the words bitter in his mouth. “I’ll go. But I want to be the one to tell him.” His grandfather didn’t say a word. He simply nodded, the coldness in his eyes not relenting. He didn’t care about Rak’s pain. He only cared about the family’s reputation.

That evening, Rak sat in his room, staring blankly at his phone. He had drafted the message a hundred times in his mind, but now that it was time to send it, his hand shook. How could he end it? How could he hurt the person whom he loves more than anything? He gathered his courage. He sent the message.

“I want to go to the beach.”

He didn’t know how long he waited before his Hia arrived. Rak went stiff when the older embraced him. The once sweet flutter of his heart was now painful and had a bitter taste to it. The confrontation with his Grandfather had turned something beautiful into something ugly.

Rak was unusual quiet during their drive to the beach. His knuckles white when he gripped the handlebar like his life depended on it. He didn't want to end it... he wasn't ready to give up the man he loved. Maybe he would never be ready for this but to protect Hia he had to.

The couple spent the whole day playing at the beach, their laughter and faces full of joy. For outsiders it would look like a sweet memory.

When the sun sets and the stars were twinkling in the sky the couple lay on a blanket surrounded by several candles. Something Hia had prepared, a surprise for his beloved Rak. They were embracing each other and kissing, their entwined forms illuminated by the soft hue of the candle lights.

The nearing of an engine disturbed the intimacy of the moment, Rak looked up and stiffened upon seeing a familiar car. A man stepped from the black sleek limousine, his grandfathes secretary Mongkut Sittichorn. Or more like his grandfathers loyal lap dog. Seeing the man Rak knew his time was up. He just didn't know that the old Keerati would send his people to follow them. It felt like a threat.

With a deep breath the smaller man slipped off the ring and placed it in the tallers palm. "Let's break up." Rak simply said, making Hia sit up aprubtly "What? No!" The older placed his hands on Raks shoulder turning the younger to look at him. "Look at me... if it's about your family, we can work it out. They might be shocked now but they willaccept us someday."

Rak shook his head, his face blank. He had to end this for his Hias sake. "It's not about them. I'm bored... you're no fun anymore." Rak got up and walked to the car, when suddenly he was embraced by strong arms from behind. "Please... you're not that kind of person... I know you don't mean it." Rak heard the desperation in the olders voice and he felt the tallers body tremble.

He broke out of the embrace, it took him every ounce of strength and willpower to not hide within these protective arms. No, this time he had to be strong. "I don't love you. You think I would 'marry' the son of the help? Don't make me laugh. Know your place." Rak pushed the older away and got in the car, once the door was closed and locked the tears he had held back were flooding over, wetting his cheeks as his slim shoulders trembled from the sobs,

The cars engine rumbled when Hia tried to open the door, the older was slapping the car repeatedly calling out Raks name. The car drove away. "Don't look... don't..." Rak chanted in a whisper but despite knowing better he glanced at the rear view mirror just in time to see Hia who had ran after them to fall to his knees. It took everything for him to not yell to stop the car and run to the kneeling man to make sure he was alright.

"Hia... I'm sorry... let's not meet again." Rak whispered.

On his 18th birthday Tongrak had to learn that a first love could never truly be.

Chapter one: a first love can never truly be // part 2

One year later

The mansion’s grand dining room was silent, save for the sharp sounds of Mr. Keerati Seniors voice as he scolded his grandson and the older boy next to him. His tone was thick with disappointment, and his anger seemed to grow with every word. Rak stood before him, his hands nervously clenched at his sides, while his Hia stood quietly behind him, his expression unreadable.

“How can you trample the reputation of the Keeratis like this?! And do you even care for the scholarship our family provides? You should learn how to be grateful!” Mr. Keerati’s voice boomed across the room, his eyes glaring at both Rak and the boy.

Rak felt the weight of his grandfather’s harsh words, his heart sinking. He knew the Keeratis were a family built on honor and reputation, but it felt suffocating now. They had failed their math test because they had been late to class—a result of sneaking around to meet each other in secret dates, just today they went to the park for riding a bike and eating ice cream. But there was no room for explanations, not under Mr. Keerati Senior’s gaze.

Mr. Keerati glared at the young man standing next to Rak, as if the boy were nothing more than the dirt beneath his shoe. "You! You come from a family of servants and you’re fool enough to drag my grandson into your mess!" The words stung, but Rak knew they weren’t meant for him. His grandfather’s ire was reserved for ‘His Hia’, as if he were the cause of everything that had gone wrong in Rak’s life. Rak could feel the tension in his boyfriend’s body, could see the faint line of frustration that tightened his jaw. But there was nothing he could do. Not now.

“Grandfather... it’s my fault,” Rak’s voice was small and meek as he spoke, his gaze directed downwards. “I forced him... I... I threatened that his parents would be fired if he wouldn’t do what I wanted.” He lied to avert the blame to himself. The words hung heavy in the air. Rak’s chest tightened he felt so small under his grandfather's gaze. ‘His Hia’—the man Rak loved with all his heart—had never wanted this, never asked for this. He motioned for his Hia to slip back to the staff housing.

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Later that night, in the privacy of his room, Rak lay awake, the sting of his grandfather’s words still fresh. His legs ached from the bamboo cane his grandfather had used to discipline him—a reminder of the Keerati family’s unwavering belief in obedience.

Suddenly, there was a soft knocking at his window. Rak’s heart leaped in his chest. He wobbled to the window, his legs sore but his excitement outweighing the pain. He pulled back the curtain and, at the sight of his boyfriend’s warm smile, his own lips curled into a soft grin. Quickly, Rak opened the window, and Hia didn’t waste any time. He slid into the room, pulling Rak into his comforting arms.

"I'm sorry, my love," his Hia whispered, his voice full of sincerity. "I will work hard to be able to protect you. I'll never let you get hurt again." Rak basked in the affection and love, the safety he felt in his arms. He shook his head, a soft laugh escaping him as he kissed the older boy’s cheek. “I’m fine, Hia.”

“I love you, my Rak,” the older boy murmured, brushing his lips against Rak’s in a tender kiss. As Rak closed his eyes, lost in the feeling, he suddenly felt something cool slide onto his finger. He opened his eyes to see a smooth wooden ring adorning his slim finger, making his heart skip a beat. “Hia...” Rak breathed, looking up at him in awe.

“Even if we can’t marry legally now... someday it will be possible,” Hia whispered, his eyes soft with affection. “I just want you to know that you’ll always be the only one for me. My pretty Wifey.” Rak’s cheeks flushed a deep pink. “Who is your wife?” he huffed bashfully but unable to stop the flutter in his chest. The older boy chuckled, his hands resting on Rak’s waist as he leaned down for another kiss, murmuring between their lips, “Tongrak must love Hia.”

For Rak, it was the first time he had ever truly felt loved—completely and wholly. His first love. His first kiss. And now, the moon became a witness of them making love for the first time.

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Rak woke first, his head resting on his boyfriend's chest. His heart swelled with affection as he looked up at the peaceful expression on his Hia’s face. The blanket was pulled up to the younger boy’s chin, leaving only a sliver of his flushed face exposed. Rak’s fingers grazed over the smooth skin of his Hia’s chest, and he couldn’t help but smile at how lucky he was. He had done things with this man that he had never imagined, and yet, he still couldn’t believe he had someone so kind, so lovable, so handsome beside him.

“Are you done staring, wifey?” Hia’s voice broke through his thoughts, a teasing grin spreading across his lips as his eyes fluttered open. “Hia! I’m not your wife!” Rak huffed, his face burning with embarrassment. He quickly pulled the blanket over his face, retreating beneath it in an attempt to hide.

“Of course you are my wife,” the older boy teased, his voice light with laughter as he hovered on top of Rak. “Do you need a reminder of last night?” Without warning, he started peppering Rak’s face with kisses.

But just as Rak tried to push him away, they heard a loud crash from outside the room and both froze. The door to Rak’s room was cracked open, and there, standing in the doorway, was a housekeeper, her eyes wide in shock. parted, clearly startled by the sight of the two of them, entwined under the blankets.

Without hesitation, Rak’s Hia moved to shield him, throwing his body in front of Rak’s, his glare fierce as he stared at the housekeeper. “Leave,” he commanded, his voice firm. The woman, terrified, quickly retreated, rushing down the hallway. Rak, still under the blanket, looked up at his boyfriend, his heart racing. “Hia... what should we do?” Hia turned to him with a soft smile, brushing his hair out of his face as he spoke gently. “It’s fine, my love. We will face it together.”

Rak nodded, his chest swelling with love for the man who was standing by him, no matter what.

Chapter one: a first love can never truly be // part 1

Tongrak pulled the white sheet off a motorcycle he found in his uncles garage, revealing the sleek bike beneath. "What do you think, Hia?" he asked, eyes sparkling with excitement. 'Hia' -(older brother) how he calls his best friend who is three years older-, leaning against the fence nearby, raised an eyebrow. "You don’t have your driver’s license yet, Nong Rak." Rak pouted, crossing his arms and then, with a soft whine, tugged Hia’s arm. "Please, Hia? Just once?"

Hia chuckled, shaking his head, but his lips curled into an affectionate smile as he ruffled Rak’s hair. "Alright, alright. But be careful." Rak’s face lit up in a bright grin, and he immediately jumped onto the bike. Hia followed, settling behind him, wrapping his arms around Rak’s waist. With a twist of the throttle, they were off, speeding down the empty road that led out of the city.

The wind whipped through their hair, Rak felt a rush of freedom. But it wasn’t just the ride he was enjoying. It was Hia, so close behind him, his arms around his slim waist, his presence so familiar yet making his heart flutter.

After a while, they arrived at their ‘special place,’ a secluded corner of a campsite near a waterfall. They had discovered this spot during Hias family camping trip years ago. It wasn’t like the five-star resorts the Keeratis booked, but to Rak, it was perfect. Quiet, peaceful, and tucked away from the world.

The night was clear, the stars sparkling across the dark sky. Rak could feel the steady beat of his heart as he lay there, so close to 'his Hia'. The silence between them was comfortable, but Rak’s mind kept drifting. Every time Hia’s arm tightened around him or when his shoulder brushed against Rak’s, it sent a flutter through Raks chest.

The truth hit him in that moment, sudden and undeniable: He had a crush on his best friend.

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Rak watched from the sidelines of the Pool, he was giddy and maybe a bit anxious. His Hia was up for their schools swim Team. At a competition between two rivaling schools. The younger boy was cheering for his bestfriend the loudest he could, even Hias fanclub was lacking next to him.

Once his Hia won another gold medal nothing could keep Rak on his seat, he jumped up and ran as fast as a lightning towards his friend he didn't even slow down. Ending up crashing into Hias waiting arms. The older and toller Sound them around laughing whole heartily.

Suddenly Hia shifted his hold on the younger carrying him bridal style towards... the edge of the Pool. Rak looked at him with wide eyes, shaking his head frantically when he caught a glimpflich of Hias mischievous grin.

"Hia... not! don't you dare! let m-" before he could continue his whining and nagging his Hia had already jumped into the Pool with him tightly in his embrace. Their friends from the school Band whom did take more time to reach them laughed loudly and teased Rak and his bestfriend, calling them a 'married couple' while watching them bicker and push each other underwater.

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It was the night of Rak's 17th birthday. He was on the stage at a bar in Ekkamai playing drums, the band was a tight-knit group of friends. Despite being the youngest in the band, Rak didn't feel out of place. He wasn’t the only one with a fake ID—their keyboarder, just a year older, had one too—but the others, ‘His Hia’, the lead singer and the guitarist, were already 20. They had spent hours perfecting their set, the crowd in front of them nothing but a blur of bodies moving to the music. It felt like a dream come true for Rak. This was where he belonged.

Suddenly, a shout from the bar's entrance broke through the music. "Police! They're coming for an ID check!"

The room erupted into chaos. People scrambled to put their drinks down, trying to act casual, but Rak could feel the panic rising in his chest. As the band members tried to quickly pack up their gear, Rak’s heart raced. The police weren’t exactly keen on underage performers in bars.

Before he could even react, someone grabbed him by the wrist, yanking him away from the crowd. He looked up and saw ‘His Hia’. "Stick with me" Hia said, his grip tightening around Rak's hand as they sprinted toward the back door. They bolted through the narrow alleyway behind the bar, their footsteps echoing against the damp walls. Rak’s heart pounded in his chest. 'His Hia' never letting go of his hand.

They reached a dead-end alley, out of breath and laughing nervously. Rak leaned against the wall, trying to catch his breath, his chest heaving with adrenaline. Hia stood close, his body slightly turned toward Rak, as if to shield him from the world. "That was insane," Rak gasped between breaths.

Hia smiled, the tension in his eyes softening. He stepped forward, lifting a hand to Rak’s face, his fingers brushing gently over his cheek. Rak’s breath hitched at the contact, his heart racing for a different reason now. Their eyes locked, and for a moment, the world seemed to stop.

It was just the two of them.

Before Rak could say anything, ‘His Hia’ leaned in, their lips meeting in a soft, tentative kiss. It was brief, just a few seconds. They pulled away slowly.

“Will you be my boyfriend?” Hia asked, his voice quiet but full of hope. Rak’s eyes widened in shock. His cheeks flushed with warmth as a wave of joy swept over him. He had dreamed of hearing those words for so long, but to hear them now, in this moment, felt unreal.

“Yes! Yes!” Rak practically shouted, before flinging himself into his Hia’s, his boyfriend’s arms. The older boy caught him effortlessly, pulling him into a tight embrace as they both laughed.

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One morning the couple found themselves sitting across from an elderly woman, her hair silver and soft, her eyes full of warmth. Rak’s grandmother, his beloved ‘Granny,’ sat with a soft smile, her weathered hands resting on the table.

Rak, still clutching Hia’s hand, turned to her. “Grandma, I want you to meet my boyfriend,” he said boldly, without even a hint of hesitation. Hia shot him a surprised glance, but Rak just grinned. There was no shame in love.

The elderly woman chuckled warmly. “I see,” she said, looking at Rak's Hia with a knowing gaze. "You take good care of him, yes?" She then turned to Rak, her eyes twinkling with mischief. "You can be quite stubborn, and naughty at times, but I know you’re in good hands.”

The older boy nodded earnestly. “I will, Ma’am.” The woman waved a hand dismissively, her voice firm but affectionate. “Nonsense! Call me Grandma. Your family has served ours for generations. And now, you’re with my grandson. That makes you family.” Rak’s heart swelled. He’d always known his Granny was special, but hearing her accept his relationship with Hia so easily made him feel as if everything was falling into place.

The rest of the day passed in a blur of laughter and stories. Rak sat back, his hand firmly held in Hia’s, and realized that no matter what the world threw at them, he had his family and his love by his side.

And that was all he needed.

The soft glow of candlelight cast dancing shadows on the walls as Nari swirled the ruby-colored wine in her glass. Tonight was supposed to be their anniversary, a celebration of their love and commitment. She had prepared a lavish dinner, hoping to reignite the spark in their relationship. Yet, as she gazed at the empty chair across from her, a growing dread gnawed at her heart. A sharp knock at the door that had shattered the peace just moments ago was the reason of her husbands absence.

Nari's heart sank. She knew that voice, the nasally, overbearing tone that belonged to her mother-in-law. A wave of disappointment washed over her. She had hoped for a quiet, intimate evening with her husband, away from the prying eyes and judgmental remarks of his family.

The door to the dining room swung open, and her worst fears were confirmed. There stood her mother-in-law, a woman whose presence was as unwelcome as a storm cloud on a sunny day. Nari felt a lump form in as she watched her husband greet his mother with warmth that he had only showed her at times when she hung at his arm at events with business partners.

The once peaceful dinner transformed into a battleground. Her mother-in-law, launched into a tirade about Nari's lifestyle, her weight, and her supposed inability to conceive. "Stop drinking alcohol. It's better if you drink this it will help you conceive and nurture your body for your baby." Nari's patience, already stretched thin, snapped. "With all due respect, madam," she said calmly, her voice a stark contrast to the escalating tension, "how I choose to live my life is none of your business and for the last time I don't plan to get pregnant."

Her husband, caught between the two women, as always chose his mother. "How can you speak to my mother like that? She just means well and maybe you should listen for once" he reprimanded, his voice laced with disappointment. Nari felt a surge of anger. She stood up abruptly, the chair toppling over in the process. "Well, if your mother would mind her own business, I wouldn't have to talk to her like this!" she retorted, her voice rising.

The argument escalated rapidly. Her husband's defense of his mother turned into accusations against Nari, while her mother-in-law's criticism turned into outright insults. Now it was her husband who stood up aprubtly, his chair screeching over the expensive marble floor. "Show some respect she is your elder!" He yelled at Nari and she clenched her hands into fists "She doesn't even respect me so why should I?! She's been a to me ever since we were dating in High School and you know it!"

And then, the unthinkable happened. A stinging pain flared across Nari's cheek as her mother-in-law slapped her. The world seemed to slow down as she registered the shock and humiliation. Her own hand cradling her cheek gently Nari's gaze shifted to her husband, seeking an ounce of support, but he was merely apologizing to his mother for Nari's "outburst."

Without a word, she turned and walked towards the front door.

As she opened the door, she heard her mother-in-law's triumphant voice,"see?! This girls low upbringing shows, I always told you not to marry her. If you just listened to me and married Subin. She was a wonderful gi-" Not wanting to listen any further Nari slammed the door shut behind her. Tears streamed down her face as she leaned against the door.

She pulled out her phone and dialed her own mother's number. Her voice was barely a whisper when she spoke, "Mama... I want a divor-"

Before she could finish the sentence her mother interrupted "what nonsense are you spouting again. Why would you want to divorce such brilliant and caring man? You can't continue like this, you need to work on yourself to make this marriage work out. You can't let your husband down all the time. I have to hang up now, your father and I are going on a trip to europe." Nari opened but the line went dead already, she looked at the phone in her hand. Was it really her fault that her marriage isn't a happy one?

The silk blouse in Minhee's hands crumpled, the delicate fabric unable to withstand the storm brewing inside her. Just moments ago, the penthouse she'd meticulously decorated for their life together felt like a suffocating cruel joke.

On the national television, the music show transitioned to a commercial break, momentarily filling the silence. When the program returned, Minhee instinctively reached for the remote to turn up the volume, but a familiar face on the screen stopped her hand mid-air.

Her fiancé, sat beside a woman – her younger sister. But it wasn't the casual camaraderie that sent a tremor through Minhee. It was the way he held and kissed the back of her hand, his gaze holding a depth of affection she hadn't seen directed at her in years. Then came the diamond ring, sparkling on her sister’s finger as he announced their engagement. Three years, they proclaimed, a beautiful love story blossoming in secret.
Minhee's world tilted. Three years? She'd been with him for almost five years. A cold dread seeped into her bones, the air thickening with betrayal. Was it all a lie?

Flashbacks of memories flickered – birthdays and anniversaries spent alone, calls unanswered, weeks and even months of him not showing up at their shared apartment, a nagging suspicion she'd brushed aside for the past three years. The interview revealed her worst fears.

Her sister, with well-practiced tears, launched into a story about Minhee's obsessive jealousy, painting Minhee as a villain desperate to sabotage their happiness. The white button-down shirt in Minhee's hands turned into a weapon, its crispness replaced by a crumpled mess beneath the tv.

With trembling hands, she scribbled a note, the words "We're over" a stark contrast to the intricate wedding plans scattered across the dining table, a wedding she had been planning all alone while he had an affair with her own sister. Packing a single suitcase, she left the penthouse behind, the once-dreamt-of future dissolving into dust.

Seeking solace, Minhee drove to the Kwon mansion with a cab, the imposing gates a stark reminder of the childhood she'd craved acceptance from. But the warmth she yearned for was replaced by a stinging slap on her cheek, the force behind bruising her skin easily. Her own father, his face contorted in disgust, accused her of being a manipulative liar and disgrace. Her mother, her voice hollow and devoid of maternal love, echoed his accusations.

“I wish we never adopted such a vile person who even resorts to bullying her younger sister.”

Security guards escorted her out, the weight of their rejection heavier than the bag she clutched to her chest. Her suitcase with the only belongings she took with her still inside those gates. The rain began to fall, mimicking the tears streaming down her face. Alone, ostracized, and stripped of everything she knew, Minhee sank to her knees her slim shoulders shaking as her cries are being drowned out by the wind.

Not even the people who once called themselves her friends picked up her calls and those who did only mockingly laughed or cursed her out for being disgusting and a monster for treating the poor girl like this.

Huddled in a cheap rundown motel room that night, sleep finally claimed her, but it offered no peace. Nightmares haunted her. The morning brought yet another blow. A call from her manager, his voice devoid of friendliness or even faked politeness, informed her of her contract termination and the sum of money she had to pay the agency. The public backlash, fueled by her sisters carefully crafted narrative, deemed Minhee "toxic” and it would damage the label’s image if they continued her contract.

Desperate for a shred of hope, she ventured to the music label, clinging to the faint possibility of salvaging her career, she would even beg and grovel on her knees for them to not terminate her contract. But as she reached for the door, a sickening splat landed on the side of her face. A rotten egg. It was followed by another, and another, the stench filling the air. The jeers and insults echoed in her ears: "Liar!" "Monster!" Her spirit felt broken, the weight of humiliation threatening to crush her.

Bruised, humiliated, and utterly defeated, Minhee wandered the streets, a ghost in the city she once called home. On the bridge overlooking the Han River she leaned against the railing, her head hanging low, the city lights seemed to mock her as tears silently dropped into the dark water beneath. What is even left? In one day, she had lost everything.

PART 2

The temptation was strong, and so it was without hesitation that Jaejin agreed. Hanging up his phone, he made his way back to the studio, though this time, instead of walking inside he made his way over to his motorcycle. He stopped and stared at it for a moment, memories flashing in his mind of all the rides he took her on before he shook his head and got on before speeding away. Jihoon didn’t live very far luckily, so before long he was at his brother’s place and parking.

Once inside, Jaejin slipped off his jacket and settled on the couch as Jihoon brought a few cans of beer. “Here.” He took the can gratefully, but instead of opening it, he simply stared at it. He’s not sure what caused the start, perhaps it was the comfort and security his elder brother provided, but soon the can became blurry, and suddenly a comforting hand rubbed his back as he wept. He wept for all the pain he had caused and felt, for all the regrets he had, for love he had and lost, for simply the sake of weeping and letting out his frustration and pain.

His brother remained a silent pillar of comfort throughout the whole ordeal, and eventually, Jaejin found himself able to calm down. Excusing himself, he found his usual room through his blurry vision and slipped into a hot shower. The relaxation caused more tears, and by the time the water ran cold, he was beyond exhausted. Jihoon had left some water and pain relievers on his nightstand, and ever grateful, Jaejin took them before setting his phone to charge.

He sat on the edge of his bed for a moment simply holding his phone and staring at it, secretly hoping it would ring. But whose name did he want to see pop up? He wasn’t sure. Against his better judgment though, he unlocked his phone and dialed her number. It went straight to voicemail. Perhaps she had blocked him. That made his heart ache, but nothing made it ache more than hearing her cheerful voice telling him to leave a message. With a defeated sigh, he ended the call and crawled into bed. As the sun finally peeked over the horizon, Nam Jaejin finally found his eyes closing. His dreams were filled with memories of better days with her. It was always her. It will always be her.

PART 1

3:26 a.m. shone brightly in the dimly lit studio where a lone man sat staring blankly at a project on his computer screen. This had become Nam Jaejin’s new routine. Group rehearsals, smoking, drinking, working on music, rinse, repeat. He hardly slept these days because all he saw when he closed his eyes was her. A sigh escaped his lips as his fingers thrummed against the table in frustration.

Finally, he decided to take a break, saving his work before standing up just in case he decided not to come back for the night. Grabbing his jacket, he put his stuff away before slinging his bag over his shoulder. He bowed politely to other late-working staff, smiling charmingly to the females who could be heard giggling as he walked by.

The air was warm despite the time, so his jacket hung on his bag as he walked, only stopping by the corner to pull out a cigarette from a pack safely tucked in his pocket. Jaejin quickly lit it before taking a drag, his mind wandering as it often did these days. It all always came back to one thing, or rather, one person.

Her.

She hadn’t been someone he expected to have feelings for, for girls like her weren’t usually his type. She was young, she was innocent, and perhaps there was a part of him that enjoyed that. He enjoyed the idea of being the first of many things for someone. Was that twisted of him? Demented? Perhaps. But aside from that, she had presented a challenge to Jaejin that he, if he was being honest, didn’t frequently run into.

She was practically immune to his flirting and charisma. He constantly found himself having to work triple as hard to convince her of the way he felt. If he was being honest, he wasn’t sure exactly when his feelings started, all he knew was that he needed to confess quickly before she got swept away from him.

Rejection.

It stung, he’ll openly admit that. Her rejection was out of fear, he knew that much, and it was understandable. He was a “big-time idol” as some had put it, and he knew he had to prove to her that he was genuine and that his feelings were real. He was determined to let her know that he wasn't just playing a game and that he truly cared about her. And so he stopped his bad habits, the flirting, the drinking, the smoking. All of it. For her.

It wasn’t easy to admit to himself just how easily she had had him wrapped around her pretty little fingers. And then she confessed to him, but it wasn’t what he had expected or wanted. Because while confessing to him, she also confessed that there was another that her heart seemed to be leaning towards. She would go on to explain that she needed time to figure out her true feelings for both and he respected that, even if it hurt. So he waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Jaejin knew from the moment he confessed to her that he would wait for her forever if he needed to. But as time went on he couldn’t help but become more annoyed and hurt. Was it their age difference? The girl she had feelings for was closer in age, they could relate more to things. Was it his career? He wasn’t a fool, he knew his status as an idol could be a burden, especially coming from X.MPIRE. But she never seemed to care about that much.

So what was it? Days, weeks, and even months went by as Jaejin waited for her to make her decision. He knew that he should have just let her go, walked away, and let her be with someone else. But the idea of her being with someone that wasn’t him left a bitter taste in his mouth and he hated it. He took another drag from the cigarette in his hand, his free hand reaching up to brush his hair back and away from his face. It was getting longer, perhaps he should cut it.

It was amazing to realize that he hadn’t smoked in months because of her. His gaze fell to the stick between his fingers and he chuckled darkly. If only she could see him now. Jaejin’s hand slipped into his pocket, taking his phone and searching through his contacts. His thumb hovered over her name for a moment, temptation once again filling him to press it and call her. So many times he contemplated the action, even if only to just hear her voice again through voicemail.

If the Jaejin from before her saw him now, he’d call himself pathetic. Was love really like this? Strong enough to turn him into the pitiful man he currently was? His thumb scrolled past her name and stopped at another, temptation once again filling him. Cherry. No. He couldn’t do that to her. She was a friend he hadn’t found himself cherishing since he met Drei.

He wasn’t stupid, he saw the way she looked at him when she thought he wasn’t paying attention. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted from him. Not now anyway. Maybe not ever. He knew a time would come when they’d have to talk about it, after all, he didn’t want her to waste her time on a pathetic man like him. But for now, he’d pretend to be blissfully unaware of her affection.

Jaejin had to admit that he sometimes found himself basking in it, as ed as it was. Under her not-so-subtle attention and affection, he could forget for a moment that he wasn’t helplessly in love with someone who didn’t want him. Way too soon, his cigarette finished and he flicked the to the ground, stomping on it before letting out a sigh.

His hands slipped into his pockets as he walked away, mindlessly heading towards the nearest convenience store. It would be another sleepless night in the studio, one that required beer and snacks. Jaejin’s mind wandered as he walked, silently wondering why he was feeling so selfish. It wasn’t even like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Both girls deserved better than him, he knew that, but he was open about his love. He knew exactly who he wanted and what he wanted with them. Yet the universe seemed determined to show him all the ways he could never have her.

Perhaps it would be better if he left Seoul. He could retire from the idol life, go back to his hometown, and rebuild the farm, working the land like his parents had always wanted. No. He loved performing too much to give up this life now. He paused as he thought about his siblings. Although they’d probably judge his situation, perhaps one of them could help him. Jaejin quickly fished out his phone, dialing the first name he came across of his siblings, who just so happened to be his only older brother Jihoon.

“Hyung. I know it’s late, sorry about that. Are you busy?” The sleepy grumble of his elder brother came through on his phone, making him chuckle. They spent a few moments catching up, Jihoon sounding more awake as time went on before he finally asked why he had called. Jaejin paused before letting out a sigh. “It’s…about a girl.”

“You? Girl trouble? Jaejin-ah, you haven’t had girl trouble since you were ten. Remember that girl back home you gave a fresh bouquet to and she freaked out because there was a bee in it?” Jaejin rolled his eyes at his brother, easily recalling the memory as he shook his head even though his brother couldn’t see him.

“I was a kid then, this is different.” Jaejin quickly recounted the situation to Jihoon, pausing now and then to keep his emotions in check. “You…really love this girl don’t you Jaejin.” His immediate response was to deny it, but he knew it was a lie before he even said a word. “Yeah…yeah I do.” It hurt his pride to admit it, but it was the truth. But it was complicated.

Perhaps he had made things complicated on his own, but it surely hadn’t been on purpose. Love was a sensitive subject for the man. Jaejin had never felt he was good enough, so he always kept a distance from people. Always at arm's length, never letting them past the walls he had built. He was attractive, he knew that, but he wasn't as personable as his siblings. It made it easier to stop himself from getting close to feeling anything even close to love for someone that wasn’t family.

That was his biggest confusion. How did /she/ of all people manage to bypass his defenses, when even his friends couldn’t? Even Cherry, whom he had known for years no, hadn’t managed to budge beyond where he kept her. How did she wiggle her way into his cold playboy heart and make him want to give up everything for her?

His frustration only continued to grow the more he thought about it. She changed him so much, made him fall in love with her, want to be a better person, only to leave him in the dust for another. “Listen, I can’t give you much advice in terms of romance, but I can give you some life advice.” Jaejin rolled his eyes again. He should have known his philosophical brother would take the opportunity to turn his problems into a life lesson.
He sighed and made a gesture with his hand, forgetting for a moment that the other couldn’t see him. “Get on with it then hyung, come on.” A deep chuckle rang in his ears. “Always the smartass. My advice is this. Self-reflect. You’re a great guy, and while I’ve never approved of this…playboy lifestyle, you’re also a grown man and can do as you please. But as great as you are, I mean you’re a Nam for crying out loud, there must be a reason this girl didn’t choose you.”

“It could simply be that she isn’t the right one for you, there’s always that possibility. But consider too that perhaps you need to work on that flirty, playboy nature of yours a bit more. You said you changed but…you changed for her right? And you went back to your old ways when things were said and done? Maybe that was part of the problem, maybe she wanted to see a more permanent change in your behavior? Have you talked to her and asked her why?”

No. The idea crossed his mind several times of course, but he knew he couldn’t handle being in front of her. He was in too much pain, he wasn’t sure what he would do or say and would never forgive himself if he had hurt her in any way. “No, I didn’t. I don’t plan on it either.” His brother sighed, “Very well. Why don’t you come over? We can have a few drinks and talk some more okay?”

✵ #doublec_monogue_part_one.


❝ every pieces of me aches for you. ❞

( https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zRhH1iPMTJxTNyx904IM0nNRL_WcnAJxAviLApK7QCo/edit?usp=drivesdk )

11.00 PM

It has been half an hour since Kim Yura arrived back at her penthouse, but if someone came over, they might think that the penthouse was empty as it was lack of any human activity nor any lights even though it was deep in the night, only the moonlight shine through the glass window, gently illuminating the wide room. While in truth, the owner of the property was there, sitting down on the floor, her back rested against the end of her bed, eyes empty as she just stared at the view from her bedroom’s window, on her right side, a pink envelope; already crumpled, laid there as the silent witness and on her left side, a crystal decanter filled with whiskey still on her hold.

She did not know how long it had been since she sat down there, reading her letter, over and over again even though she knew that it would just inflict more pain into her heart. She even thought that there were no more tears left for her to shed as she had been crying the moment she was safe inside her house’s confinement without anyone who could ask her what was wrong.

Kim Yura was a total mess.

And the cause of it? It was none other than a woman named Miyawaki Sakura. The woman whom she started to meet just like any other flings of hers. Being in the same company made it easier for them to have secret rendezvous every time they have free schedules. Fooling around in the company rooms, or coming over to Sun’s place. Yes, this very room witnessed everything. The walls were listening to every lewd noises to the soft whispers they exchanged.

And after quite a while, that damned feeling surfaced.

After her first bad breakup, Sun told herself that she would never let anyone in anymore. She did not know exactly when her feelings for Sakura bloomed or how she fell for her. Was it because of the cherry blossom’s playfulness? Her thoughtfulness? Or the way she held her during the time she needed consolation?

It could be a mix of them all. She honestly didn’t care, all she knew was she broke her own promise to herself by falling in love with Sakura. At first it scared her. But she finally let her heart do the talking, letting her act upon her feelings for the Japanese girl. To genuinely show that she, too, could change to be a better woman.

No more playing around. No more one-night stands, No more flirting with random women. Only with her. Suffice to say, her feelings for Miyawaki Sakura was big enough to make her change her way of living.

But then everything changed.

Just like the passing season, spring is gone, replaced by summer and then autumn has arrived. The Japanese girl started to put some distance between them. Avoiding her like a plague. Rejecting every invitation that Sun sent. She couldn’t even see her that often in the Novalux building anymore. Text replied much much later, and sometimes left in seen. Calls always went straight to the voicemail. And the first thing that crossed Kim Yura’s mind was if she made a huge mistake to the other girl.

For the first time in her life, she felt the fear of being abandoned.

It was such a foreign feeling for her and she was helpless. Didn’t know how to handle that kind of feeling. She was desperate. She needed the answer of why she would do that to her. What did she do wrong which resulted in this kind of treatment? She tried to ask around about Sakura but everyone didn’t give her the answer she wanted.

Then cold, harsh wintertime arrived. Sakura was gone. Just like that. As if disappearing to the thin air. Without any trace but Sun’s broken heart.

She could still recall that night when she learned that Sakura had terminated her contract with the label and even leaving everything behind her, Sun was on her knees, body shaking as she cried her eyes out. Fist pounding against her chest as a futile attempt to ease the pain she felt inside, only to stop after exhaustion took over and she passed out on the floor, with tear stricken cheeks.

The next morning, just as she hoped that everything was a nightmare, the cold truth slapped her on her face when she tried to call Sakura’s number, just to hope that the short haired girl would pick up the telephone and laugh at her, telling her that it all was just a prank. But when she is greeted by “The number you’re trying to reach is no longer available.” everything came back like an ice bucket was being poured over her body. With a shaky hand, she tried to make use of her connection and power, asking her father’s right hand man to track Miyawaki Sakura down, but it also ended in vain.

Maybe that was the last straw for Kim Yura as she slowly tried to accept that this time, it was her who was being abandoned. Being left behind. The transition wasn’t an easy path. It took everything in her to not turn to alcoholic drinks just to numb the pain. Luckily for her, her love for working out helped her as she focused her attention on the boxing class she took. Channeling her frustration to the sandbag, punching it with all her might.

Now when she thought that she had fully healed, a light about Sakura’s whereabouts appeared in the form of her little sister and the pink envelope with their polaroid picture in it. Just as she thought that she’s fine now, her resolution crumbled down again the moment she received Ayaka’s text.

Came the meeting time with her and Sun was stunned to see how scarily similar the two sisters are. She was almost running over to hug the younger girl but she then remembered that it was Ayaka, not Sakura. Finally, she knew where Sakura was and of course, the message came with a goodbye. To be honest, Sun couldn’t even remember much about what Ayaka told her as her mind was busy blocking out the beautiful memories between her and Sakura that most likely would make her end up crying right there, and she didn’t want to cry in front of other people.

‘So Sakura indeed left because she knew about my feelings for her’ was the only thought in her mind. ‘Settled in Japan… and will never return.’ She repeated those words like a mantra in her head even as she bid farewell to the younger Miyawaki and even when she told her manager that she’d go back home instead to the dorm.

Her body was in autopilot mode. She couldn’t remember how she managed to get inside her penthouse, to her bedroom and even taking that decanter along the way. As she sat down and read the letter from Sakura, without realizing, her tears started to flow freely again. The pain that she had a hard time to bury, resurface again, tearing a bigger hole inside her heart as now the finality of the situation is clear to her.

She will never come back. To her life or even to Seoul.

Her right hand gripped and crumpled the poor letter as she cried for a while before she took a big gulp of the whiskey with her left hand. She needed it. To help her to go through the night. She did not want to cry herself to sleep anymore. She didn’t want to be drowned in self pity anymore.

But why did it still feel as if someone ripped her heart out? Leaving her bleeding dry? She took another gulp and after gulp until she felt burn but Sun didn’t care. Only for tonight, maybe she would let her weak self to appear again, tomorrow she will be a new person.

Tomorrow she shall smile to the world as if nothing was wrong. Smile as if everything is fine. Smiling as if she is fine. That was one of her jobs as an idol anyway. Tomorrow, Kim Yura will be tucked back. Only Pandora’s Sun shall be there. Smiling as bright as the sun.

With that in mind, she raised the decanter up to her lips, taking another big gulp of the whiskey, to drink the night away. ”Might as well.” Her dry laughter echoed in the empty room, only for tonight she shall indulge in the bitterness of alcohol.