⤥ Lounge

@‡ Hoseok (sorry i passed out.. was almost 3am x.x)

What, have trouble controlling your strength? /smirks
/hooks a finger on one of the chains again, lifting it up off your skin and watches it slide off my finger slowly
. . . /looks at you in thought, contemplating how to proceed
Your pretty chains can stay, I prefer yanking at this. /plays with your leash
Or this /smiles and cups your crotch, giving it a squeeze/
/loosens your pants and takes your out/ You shouldn't hide yourself /chastises softly and rubs my thumb over your flaccid 's tip/

@† Meto Honestly I don't know. They look like they would, and I know my own strength so I wasn't going to test it
*chuckles**toying with one of the chains near his waist*
But it was expensive, so maybe they're more durable than they look?
Why don't you find out and we'll learn together?

@‡ Hoseok /withdraws my hand after giving you a good ruffle and nods/
Of course I do... /plays with a chain draped down your front/
The less the better, if I had dressed you, you'd be wearing nothing but these chains.
/smirks, imagining how you struggled with it and I don't have a hard time visualising it as my own outfits can be quite a challenge, although I don't wear anything quite so.... chainy/
Oh, they break easily?

@† Meto *laughs**leaning into the touch anyway with a content hum*
So you like the outfit huh?
Or what little bit of outfit there is. It took me a while to untangle the chains and figure out how I was supposed to wear them
I wasn't sure I was going to manage without breaking half of them

@‡ Hoseok /bites my inner cheek on the less drama here remark, but then again, you're right, it's been over a month since the last... event/
/purses my lips, unsure what to say to comfort you, or if that's even what I should do now
/reaches out and pets you, ruffling your hair gently with a smile
There there

@† Meto That place could easily have it's own daytime drama show
*groans, feeling tired just thinking about it* *shakes his head and finishes his drink*
I like the relative quiet here, and less drama.
Somedays it feels like the people I work with are the hardest part of the job, not the surgeries. Not even the emergency ones. At least with surgeries there's a order to things, a process, a set of rules to follow. The problem has a solution.
People... not so much.

@‡ Hoseok /my eyes widen/ Wow... she must be busy /mutters in genuine awe because damn, a rotating schedule of partners/
/chuckles/ Awww /coos/ Kind of sweet then, no? /jokes
/grimaces at the neonatal surgeon divorce story/ Yikes... that's rough.
...You know, no wonder you come here to get an easy fix of socialising. Sounds like you've got a daily emotional roller coaster at work!

@† Meto It's a whole drama in that place I swear.
One of the nurses sleeps with every single doctor on 2nd, and I swear she has them on a rotating schedule.
I'm hardly the number 1 bachelor, they've all given up on me at this point. Except Betty and Sung.
Oh, the other neonatal surgeon that I work with most is going through a divorce. Found out his wife was cheating on him, and she's pregnant.
The head nurse at the NICU is looking for a new job, which is going to . I need her, and I've been begging her to stay but I get why she's leaving. It's going to be miserable when she leaves.

@‡ Hoseok /grins at your strong protest/
/wonders what 3rds is, but decides against asking because it doesn't sound relevant to the story/
Pfft /snorts/ Poor you. Harrassed to get married, harrassed to , you're like the nr. 1 bachelor at the hospital, haha Fresh, unclaimed meat /smirks
Sounds like you've got a lot of... interesting... people there

@† Meto That is not funny. I have no desire to marry and especially not her niece.
I'm sure her niece is... fine. But no thank you.
*kind of wants to whine just at the thought of Betty being an in-law*
There's a gay nurse that works 3rds in the ER. He's nice at all but a little too heavy with the flirting whenever he's around. I know what he wants, but I have no desire to have with him.

@‡ Hoseok /grins, enjoying hearing about Betty and how awful she is
/arches a brow and sniggers/ Sounds like the perfect... aunt-in-law if you ask me /teases with a smirk
Tell me some more, about your job, since you don't have a life outside of it

@† Meto *groans**hiding his grimace behind his glass and he quickly takes another drink*
She's awful
Way too nosey, always wants to be in everyones business and then gossip about it.
She's hung up on the fact that I'm not married yet. Like I don't work constantly and wouldn't have time for a relationship. I always tell her I'm married to my job but she just scoffs and keeps telling me about her niece.

@‡ Hoseok /smiles to myself because you've always seemed like a stand-up guy and I believe you completely/
/smirks when you cover yourself
Betty, huh /chuckles
She sounds like a handful

@† Meto You're not, but it's still private information you shared with me. It would be kind of ty of me to just share that with other people. So I'm including it under doctor patient confidentiality.
*chuckles when you laugh**eyes widening and he yelps when you pinch his , bringing his arms up slightly to protect them*
I'd rather you didn't. I can only imagine how that would go down at work. I don't need Betty at reception giving me more of a stink eye than she already does...

@‡ Hoseok /looks at you with genuine interest as you elaborate, quite liking the image you are painting, therapy as a tool to get even stronger, rather than proof that there's something wrong with me/
Really? /surprised/ I'm not your patient though-
/laughs, genuinely as I imagine how shocked they'd probably be/
I promise not to expose your dirty little secrets. /hums and reaches out, playfully pinching your , not with the intention of starting anything but just... because I want to touch you/

@† Meto It's not an easy job, but that's why I have mandatory therapy. Even if it wasn't mandatory I would still go. I'm not just saying that to try to convince you either, I mean it. I go because I want to, because to me it's important for me to be as strong as possible.
Gaining the skills to overcome the moments when the guilt gets too much, or my thoughts get too dark, is what makes me strong enough to save the next life. Yes, sometimes I lose them, but the only way I fail is if I let that stop me for good.
*shrugging he sips his drink again, but this time he does actually smile as he looks at you*
Doctor patient confidentiality. I'm legally obligated not to breathe a word of this to anyone. I wouldn't though, I would never betray your truth like that.
Just like I trust you not to run to my hospital and tell the entire staff I like to be walked around on a leash.

@‡ Hoseok Hm. /glances at you, not getting it at first, but then I recall how you're always on standby to be called into the hospital and I start to understand that that could be very, very stressful, having to always be in good enough condition to save a life/
/laughs lightly when you warn me about head injuries, dismissing your warnings as I sip on my fresh, 100% whiskey drink/
/stops laughing when you call me out on running away and just takes another sip, larger than the previous one; I cough and hit my chest with my fist once, brows furrowed as my throat burns/
/I listen to you, in pain, as you speak succeeding to not let the tears resurface to varying degrees of success/
/when you finish I pause again, smile wryly into my half-empty drink and spin it in my hand slowly/
You really have a way with words... /I've perked up a bit, feeding off of your reassurances that I'm not weak/
I can't imagine having people die under my care repeatedly and not offing myself. So... props to you /raises my glass at you and takes another gulp, not realising how insensitive my words are/
I'll think about it, therapy, if you promise not to go around talking about any of this. /I don't actually think you would, but striking a deal makes me feel better; honestly, I still don't want to go to therapy and have little intention of going but you've planted a strong seed so, maybe... maybe I will go, see what happens/

@† Meto I'm a surgeon, I never assume to know how my day is going to go.
*humming softly he watches you get up, shaking his head when you ask him if he wants another drink*
I don't think you gave yourself a concussion, but please be careful with the alcohol. Head injuries are no joke.
You're running away though. I probably pushed too much, I'm sorry. It's not my intention.
You're a strong person, Meto, you really are. What you're going through doesn't take away from that.
I hope that you will give yourself a chance, even though it's a hard thing to do.
I've dealt with a lot of grief in my line of work. I think everyone in the medical field has. I have to have mental health evaluations every couple of months just to make sure that I'm doing okay.
It's taught me a lot, about depression, grief, how minds work in general. It's been my experience that the people who have been through the worst, always think they deserve the least. They think that they're weak for not being able to handle things that other people can. But they don't see that they're carrying so much more than that other person. It's easy to lift a weight when your arm isn't broken. But if you can't see the break it's also easy to tell yourself it isn't there. You watch someone else pick up the weight and wonder why you can't. Especially if it's not a heavy weight, something you used to be able to pick up without thinking about it.
Just because you can't see the break in your heart doesn't mean it's not there. Living every day might seem like a simple task, and everyone else around you is doing it without effort. But you're missing a big part of yourself right now, and they aren't. That doesn't make you weak, it makes you stronger than them because you're still accomplishing that task. You're still living, not as well as you used to, but you're still doing it. And you're doing it in pain and with an injury that those other people around you would crumble under.

@‡ Hoseok /I fall silent, I don't know what to say; I understand what you're saying with my mind, I hear the words with my ears, but... the resistance to accept what you're telling me as a reasonable truth is strong/
/I manage a smirk when you speak of not having a life/ You save babies, that's a pretty amazing life. /says, showing 0 empathy for what you actually mean/
/raises my head when you mention elsa and imagines if chris dies; I know he'd be a wreck, again, my brain says 'hm, logical' but the rest of me pushes the thought away; I'm not supposed to be falling apart like this, I used to be great at just shoving things deep down, I hate this... weak version of myself where everything spills out the top of the barrel/
/I bite the inside of my cheek when you say I'm only such a mess cause of my coping strategies and it doesn't reflect who I am, that does make me feel a little better/
.... /looks back down, and then after two minutes, I push myself off the windowsill and stand up straight/
Bet you didn't think this is how your day was going to go /sneers and finishes my drink in one go/
I'm getting myself another drink. You want one? /looks at you questioningly, not responding to your offer of a therapist; I don't understand it, therapy is a sign of weakness and I refuse to be weak, a negative side-effect of how my mother always made fun of me for crying, or, heck, smiling, for wanting affection, for liking cute things, for eating sweets, for having feelings that would get hurt, for requiring coping mechanisms at all; any form of 'weakness' was immediately mocked and berated, any form of disobedience punished with humiliation and corporeal punishment; the only acceptable outlet was anger and violence, that was 'strong' after all-- but that's a whole other can of worms that I've been slowly, slowly working on over the years/

@† Meto Have you ever given yourself time to actually process the grief and work through it?
If it's only been a year, that's not exactly a lot of time. Especially not when you lose someone you love.
I know some really great therapists that specialize in grief. If it's ever something you might want, I would seriously recommend it.
You aren't useless, you're grieving. You lost a big part of your life, and it doesn't sound like you've had the chance to really deal with it.
*taking a small sip from his own glass he looks down at it, swirling the liquid around in it*
I sometimes lurk around here when I'm not in the mood to socialize properly, just because it kind of makes me feel like I have a life when I don't.
But, anyway, that friend of yours, the princess. I know he has a partner. If his partner died tomorrow, do you think he'd be any better than you are now? Even a year later?
Sometimes perspectives are important. It's easy to demand more from ourselves. To be less understanding with our own struggles.
Everything you've told me so far, everything you're feeling, all of it is normal for someone who just lost someone important to them. Yes, you turned back into the mess you were before, but that's because that mess was built on a life time of coping strategies. This is how you cope, but it's not a reflection of who you are as a person.
I won't push, but I do recommend therapy. You can be okay again, it's not easy but nothing ever is.
You already aren't happy, so, you have nothing to lose.

@‡ Hoseok /smiles when you ask, but it's not a happy smile, not even close/
The drinking? Oh, that's a life-long thing. Used to be adrenaline, violence /says nonchalantly/ then alcohol. You know, it's hard for kids to get alcohol in Japan /chuckles
/leans back against the window, rolling my head back with a groan as if I didn't just very nearly lose my /
Thanks by the way. /takes the glass and sips it, arching a brow at how significantly watered down this is but says nothing/
/turns my head to look at you/ I've always been a mess, you know. It's kind of my trademark. I make one bad decision after the other. /smirks/ But then I met this guy, and he made a person out of me. /rubs the tip of my nose, looking down momentarily, gathering myself so my voice doesn't crack when I continue/ He died. And it kills me every ing day because I'm useless /nope, my voice cracks, and I start to cry again/ ! /yells and turns back towards the window, my elbows resting on the windowsill, leaning forward, my head hanging low as I nervously tap my foot/ I'm useless without him. I can't do anything. I lost the house, my job, my clients, ing everything. I had to reach out to the biggest, richest I know to get the place I'm staying at now. - I loved him you know? /whimpers the last sentence/ He saved me and now he's gone and I've just turned back into the mess I was before. /sniffles

@† Meto *watching the minute break down was shocking but not all together surprising. Not entirely sure what to do or how to help he lets you go to the window to smoke, pouring a little more water than whiskey into the cup before he brings it over to you*
*leaning against the window on the other side and looking out*
Would you be willing to tell me what happened a year ago?
Because it sounds like that was an important moment, even if you were worse then. Or you don't want to go back to it. Or even if you do.
How long has it been since you've been going from one hang over to a next? Has it just been a year, or longer? Or is this a normal coping strategy for you?

@‡ Hoseok . . . . . /indeed has very little sympathy for myself, no, actually, I think I have way too much sympathy for myself, it's not like whining to you is going to change anything... I just need to stop being so sensitive about nothing/
yes- /sighs in relief when you bring up the bar, I'd forgotten about it but if I ever needed a drink, now is the time/ Whiskey, watered down though.
/furrows my brows/ Because I don't want to live like this! It . If this is how my life is going to be forever, going from one hangover to the next, no energy for nothing, I'd rather just... /doesn't finish that sentence, because I'm really not suicidal at all, if I was I'd be long dead by now/
/purses my lips in thought and then shrugs/ I don't know, maybe, no. I just... used to be better at suppressing my 'feelings'. /grimaces/ Ironically, my friends have made it worse. /chuckles/
Funny, huh? /smirks/ Now that they're... here /referring to my feelings/ it's just a huge mess. I wish I could go back to a year a.. /stops midsentence, shocked by what I was just about to say, my chest tightens and my eyes water/
/quickly presses my hands to my face/ ! /curses
/gets up off the couch, grabs a vase and smashes it/
/crying under the cover of my hands, grits my teeth, kicks the wall and then slams my head against it, something I usually do when I'm feeling overwhelmed by emotions/
I need a cigarette /says to you but without turning around and heads to the nearest window, opens it, lights a cigarette and takes a long, hard drag/
/almost instantly feels calmer and releases the smoke slowly, reaches up and wipes a stray tear away, cursing quietly under my breath/
Now is not great, but a year ago was worse. I do NOT wish I could go back to then. I do NOT. /corrects myself aggressively and takes another drag/
/presses out the cigarette and turns towards you/
there, see? this is what happens when i dont have a distraction /scowls

@† Meto You don't have a lot of sympathy for yourself, do you?
*looks at you again, just briefly as he looks at your face before looking around the room* *noticing the bar finally*
Do you want a drink?
*standing up he goes to make himself something, looking through the bottles*
Why do you think your life needs to go anywhere?
We're really good at comparing ourselves to other people. You mentioned your friends, has anything happened in their lives recently that might make you feel like you're stuck and they aren't?

@‡ Hoseok /looks down and smiles, but apologetically, as I'm uncomfortable about just... using you to complain and wallow in self-pity, but at the same time my damn mouth won't stop talking; tugs at my sleeve a bit nervously/
/falls silent again, stumped, as I never actually get to the point where I think about these things. I get drunk faster, I don't answer your question regarding depression, just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable/
I... don't know. Just myself, I guess? But yeah.. /chews on the inside of my cheek/ Maybe also that my life is going nowhere.
/shrugs in feigned nonchalance/
Just feels kind of grim /mumbles under my breath/ I...'ve been getting really emotional and upset for like, no ing reason, when I'm not doing anything. Distractions help. I mean, you come here for distractions too-

@† Meto I didn't come here tonight for an escape. I just came here to see a friend or two maybe, or just relax and enjoy the atmosphere. Do you aren't ruining anything
*pausing he thinks over what you said, pulling it apart piece by piece to consider*
You mentioned more than once that you aren't depressed
Why? Does depression bother you? I know some people still don't fully understand mental illness.
It sounds like you like your friends, they're a good positive force in your life.
but you mentioned that you're running out of distractions. What are you distracting yourself from? The idea that your life isn't going anywhere?

@‡ Hoseok Hey, I don't - /pouts, trying to joke my way out of a serious conversation/
... /rubs my nape
I mean... I'm not depressed or anything, don't misunderstand, but... I have no ing clue what I'm supposed to be fighting for. To have fun? ? My friends? /sighs
I guess friends is a pretty good reason... but that's not enough either. I just... /bites the inside of my cheek and shakes my head/
My life is going nowhere. Again, not depressed, it's just a fact. I've got no job, I don't have the energy to keep one, I don't even need one cause of... ugh... a few stuff I've done. I come to the club, nobody's here anymore so I just drink and it's fun, but... I'm running out of distractions and it's... not great. Sorry for rambling. You don't want to hear this. /looks at you
Sorry for not being a super great escape for you right now /chuckles

@† Meto It's easier to tell ourselves we . That way it's a smoother road to convincing ourselves it's a losing battle so it's not worth the effort fighting.
*shrugs**smiling a little as he glances up at you*
I've just been there is all.

@† Yusaku []Now I'm the one who's sorry. Been so busy, I can barely focus on anything for long periods of time, like more than 10 minues.

"Exactly. So having both of you help me guage authenticity would be a huge help. I don't put anything on the menu that isn't authentic, if I can help it." Jiyong chuckled softly. "Oh they will ask. They've already asked me several times on the way to my nuna's if you're going to have dinner with us again soon." He actually hadn't mind. It was a nice dinner and he didn't have to worry about having no adults to talk to. It had been nice to have an adult conversation again. He'd almost forgotten what that was like. With the situation he'd gone through after Dami left for university, he wondered if he might understand Shusaku. "But that wasn't your fault. It sounds like your parents knew you'd protect him and wanted you out of the way. There was nothing you could've done. You're there for him now and believe me. That's what matters." The sub nodded. "I have a feeling he's too embarassed or worried about how you'll treat him if he opens up. Then again, it could just be something that's too painful to talk about. I still can't tell Nuna what happened after she left." He didn't think he ever would either. He smiled. "Sure. Orange juice?" It felt odd to not be the one getting the drinks, but he would enjoy it while he could.

@‡ Jiyong [] I'm sorry for such a long wait. Please, forgive me!

"I can understand that. If I didn't go back home sometimes and if my brother didn't cook the food from home for me, I might have forgotten what it all tastes like myself. I don't think I would have thought any differently either," he admitted with a slight shrug and a soft smile. "Well, if that's what they want, then that's fine, too. All they have to do is ask," Yusaku's smile pulled a little wider. Jiyong's comments about his parents helped to keep the smile on Yusaku's face for a little longer although he ended up unconsciously shaking his head. "I didn't take care of him in the beginning but I guess I couldn't. I was put out and he was on his own with them," the master explained, "He doesn't talk about the time he was with them on his own. He never does so I just worry that there were things that happened that I wasn't there to help him through but I can't go back. He doesn't hate me. I can't help but be as attached and protective over him as I am." He was thankful for Jiyong cheering him up a bit, even if that's not exactly what the other was trying to do. "I think I'm going to get another drink. Did you want anything? Like juice maybe," he offered, "I know you said no alcohol since you're driving."