ㅤᴅᴏᴏʀ ⋮ A14

@❛ yugyeom kim。 As soon as Yugyeom pulls away from her, the young woman seizes up in front of her brother, her hands falling to her sides and balling into fists held so tightly, her knuckles turned white under her skin. She feels exposed under his stare, like a book ripped open with its spine uncovered and breaking, the pages slowly falling out of their binding to spill out on the floor around them. He turns, slipping past her and Yerim doesn't reach out to stop him, her eyes trained on the clock above her couch, glaring back at her like the countdown to her execution. What was she supposed to do? To say? Tell him all about it? Tell him about the student loan dept on her name, her refusal to talk to their father or go back to law school? The night terrors, the panic attacks? The disgust she feels at herself? She wouldn't be able to look him in the eye and face the same kind of revulsion. Not from him.
"Alright.", she mutters, just as the door falls closed behind him and she listens to his steps fade down the hallway, like a twisted echo of his steps leading him towards the security check at the airport. "Alright", she repeats into the silent apartment and makes her way over towards the bedroom. It's another Wednesday. Another show to power through. Just don't let them see the tear tracks down your cheeks, the friend who introduced her to this world told her. And Yerim isn't panning on it.

@❛ yerim kim。 Nothing Yerim told him had done any progress in alleviating his remorse. It only exacerbated the ache of accelerating beats within his chest, blood thrumming in his throbbing temples in utter perturbation for her. She was lying through her teeth, dismissive of every concern with insignificant excuses. Trying to escape him with anything that comes to mind that It hurt. it was his fault alright but did he really deserve this? she was pushing him away, the closest person to her heart, her damn twin. She knows he doesn't buy it, he can perfectly sense it. and yet, she proceeds in her attempts to fool him, as though she'd do anything to get him off her back. Concerned onyxes steadily lose their expression, what leaked of warmth and care now utterly indifferent with an undertone of anger. "alright." he utters, stepping away from her with his eyes still boring into her figure. "I'll speak to mum." And with that, he opened the door, slipping away from the presence he craved a few moments prior. "see you tomorrow."

@❛ yugyeom kim。 The pressure of his arms around her has the young girl wheezing just slightly, the all too well-known feeling of being safe inside her brother's arms having the fight ooze out of her like streams of darkness. They were always on their own, after all. It was them against the world and Yerim can easily admit that, perhaps, she has always been the one with the bad temper out of the two of them. How many times has she cried, only for Yugyeom to come hug her and tell her it's going to be alright. How many times did they fight because he got protective over her whenever she had a crush? Too many times to count in those twenty three years and yet... Of all the things Yerim remembers right now it's the feeling of being left behind but being so proud of him, that fateful day at the airport. Her heart had been breaking into a million of glass shards, piercing her soul and yet she was happy for him, prouder than even their parents.
And then, when things went down, she couldn't be proud anymore.

"Don't be, idiot.", she whispers into his shirt, face tucked away against his collarbone and her hands curling in against his sternum. "You did what was important for your future. You... No, nobody... could have known I'd be that lonely." When he pulls away, Yerim can't help but avert her eyes, gaze flickering over to her bedroom door and all the skeletons waiting there, in her closet. Shaking her head she gives her twin brother a small smile, wiping at the corner of her eye with one slender index. "I'm just... overworked I guess. And mom... mom won't get off my back. She- she is overbearing and I'm- Can I not talk about it right now? It's really nothing. I promise."
She knows he doesn't believe her. Won't believe her. Because out of all the people in the world, it is probably Yugyeom who could spot a lie coming from over the sound of a night club and blasting bass.

@❛ yerim kim。 He'd be lying to himself if he said calls and texts were enough. at the moment of farewell, his composure was intact, not permitting a single ounce of pain to unveil itself on his countenance. He'd hugged them, the family he'd grown quite attached to. and most of all, his other half in absolute literalisation. She was crying at the time, perhaps far more emotionally expressive than now. He wasn't. He remained strong, seemingly unaffected by his departure until he crossed the gate, forbidding him from seeing them and he found himself tearing up, able to express his emotions at last without making it harder for them. He never said a word but it felt as though he'd left a piece of himself at home, constantly feeling fragmentary. Sure, he met other people abroad, friends and lovers and people who stuck close to him. but none of them were his other half. Her lack of presence penetrated his very soul in ways he could've never imagined. and as though he was seeing her for the first time again, Yugyeom encased her petite figure, squeezing her against his frame in an attempt to convey just how much he missed her, just how crazy it would be an idea to leave her again. "I've missed you so much, I'm so sorry that I left you." the more she dismissed it, the guiltier he felt, her prior words ringing in his head. "I"m not leaving again, I promise. just talk to me, tell me what's bothering you. I know I haven't been here when I should've. but I'm here now and I'll do anything to make it up to you." pulling away from their embrace, the male caressed his twin's cheek, solicitude ever so evident in his brown orbs. "Talk to me." he whispers, sensing deep within how much she'd hidden from him.

@❛ yugyeom kim。 Oh she knows that look. Three years of being apart and still she knows the look he's giving her all too well. Sure, they texted and called, but there was still an ocean between them. A world, an entire universe. So many unspoken things between them like a sea of lies - all the things she was when he left and all the things she is now. There used to be a time when one look shared was enough to make them both burst out laughing. A twin thing. A "left on their own accord" siblings kind of thing. And god, how she hates that look right now.
"Don-", she starts and yet she doesn't fight it when he simply steps forward and pulls her into an embrace, her face smushed against his shoulder and her hands curled into the hem of his shirt, trapped between them. She stays still like that, like a skittish cat at the vet, scared to move. And yet - curse his twin powers - she feels the tension bleeding out of her body. Slowly. But still. "Why are you hugging me?", she mutters into his shoulders after endless silent seconds ticking by, her hands tugging at his shirt a tiny bit. "I'm fine... I swear I'm fine. I... I'm probably pmsing.... or some...thing."

@❛ yerim kim。 He half expected her to shout for him to go away and never speak to her again. it had always been difficult, dealing with a raging Yerim. she was, still is the type to storm off in anger and not look behind. but what are twins for if not to chase after you and make it up to you? which is, exactly what he's doing now. However, she was right. he'd been gone for years. a lot could have changed. he knows he did at least. but It didn't mean he wasn't willing to understand. This is his twin, the one person he cares about most. Knowing he'd hurt her this much killed him inside, although completely unintentional. "Ye-" he started once more, about to plead her to open up when she'd opened the door, allowing him inside, something he wished never happened the second he was in. The amount of sadness displayed across her countenance took a strike at his heart, it was all because of him and he knew it. He didn't even know what to say, he could only step towards her and tug her into his embrace, tightly holding her against his chest.

@❛ yugyeom kim。 It doesn't come as any surprise that the knock on her door is no other than her twin brother, always one to not let her storm off in anger. She huffs in frustration, glaring at the door and tapping her foot on the floor. She knows she flared up hotly and most of all uncalled for. She knows and yet she doesn't want to justify herself. Doesn't want to explain. With a nervous glance to her bedroom door she pads over across the carpet, pulling it closed before making her way to the door and opening it without a single word. Pressing herself against the wall behind it she motions for him to step inside wordlessly, leaning her back against the door with her hands twisted together tightly behind her. "I'm... Not surprised you came after me. Things don't really change, do they?", she asks and while she tries to make her voice scathing, it's nothing but exhaustion and sadness lacing through her words, her honey eyes flickering uselessly over his form and then away again, afraid to face the expression on his features. "so... What now?"

@❛ yerim kim。 It was fair to say that, the older was shocked. Rooted in place. Unable to think or process what had happened to get them here. She'd blown up on him quite startlingly, one second all nicknames and affection and the next, well, a complete and utter explosion of feelings he never knew she harboured. She was beyond angry, fuming even. And he didn't know what to do. However, just about anything felt right but allowing her to leave like that. Thus, he was quick to follow after her, knocking on the door gently as to not make it worse, he knew just how stubborn she is. He only wanted to make things right. "Yerim, it's me. Open up, please. I'm sorry."

@❛ yugyeom kim。 Slamming her door the red haired female kicks off her shoes at the entrance, watching them hit the wall beneath the coat rack with a satisfying thud.
" being a twin I swear to God.", she mutters to herself, only to wince at her own words and then even harder when there are angry steps coming down the hallway. "Oh hell nah." She glares at the door for a moment, cheeks as red as her hair in anger. "I don't want to talk about it! Whoever the it is leave me alone!", the girl then screams at the door, backing away from it as if it were on fire.

Even with the blistering summer heat, the room felt cold to Yerim as she locks her bedroom door behind herself, despite living alone. It's the worst habit, the worst kind of fear gnawing away at her insides every time she gets ready for her "appointments" as she likes the call them. No matter how used she is to this by now, no matter how much this dark part of her mind enjoys the attention, the leash finally off her neck, something is twisting inside of her too. Like this, desired by so many men, she feels lonlier than she ever has in her life. Slender, slightly trembling fingers reach for the TouchPad of her laptop, the screen coming to life with bold, green numbers. One minute remaining until live stream.

She breathes in, adjusting herself on her bed so she's in a semi comfortable position, her thighs elegantly draped over each other as the girl lies on her side, chin resting on her forearm as her eyes find her image on the screen.

Miles of skin, legs bare and for the world to see with all their bruises and scars from scraped up knees - remainders and memories of a carefree childhood - the hint of a blue lace pantie winking from beneath an oversized, white shirt. She looks good like this and she knows it. But looking good and feeling good are two different things and Yerim knows that, as well. She sighs, bites down on her bottom lip and pinches her cheeks with her free hand to pink them up. She's been told she looks pale one too many times, after all.

With a deep breath, Yerim clicks the 'start' button and schools her face into a slight smile. It never reaches her eyes but the people watching her don't care. The screen lights up, the mood lighting she set up earlier glowing warmly off her skin as the blueish hue of the laptop kisses her fact and makes the blonde wig on her head shine like a fiery beacon.

Her smile deepens as the comment section instantly lights up with names, some of them new and some of them eerily familiar. "Hi guys", she laughs softly, her voice nothing but a light chime. Delight, joy. She constantly has to remind herself of that. "I'm glad you guys waited for me. I'm running late today." She pauses, squints at the screen and the laughs, shaking a single finger at the camera. "Nuh uh LegoLars you know the rules. We'll start as sooooon as you guys have reached the five hundred limit. Those are the rules, guys."

She waits again, stretches her legs a little and let's her thighs slide together, her shirt catching on her sheets and riding up her stomach. A carefully placed tease. A promise. She barely manages not to grimace at herself. It's been so many times, Yerim tells herself. So many times by now.

"Thanks for asking Yorkie. I had a wonderful weekend. I went out to shop for new lingerie. You guys like it?", she answers a comment, pulling her shirt up even more to show off the she's wearing today. Then, she laughs. "Yeah I think so too. They suit the blonde hair don't they?"

Things are always the same, after. They talk. She responds. Becomes the perfect image of innocence corrupted for them to flicker across their screens. The fantasy they will never fulfill. She doesn't even want to imagine what they look like, staring at her like this. Not for the first time she feels like an animal, trapped and caged.
Yerim performs. It's nothing more than that. Nothing is true, everything is permitted.

"Alright guys", she crooks, half an hour later, sitting up and grasping her shirt, pulling it swiftly up over her head. She drops it off the bed, throwing her hair back over her shoulder. Expensive wigs have their advantages, sometimes. "Time to start...."
Her voice drops, her eyes flutter and then, unbidden and unwanted, a face flickers behind her eyelids. She freezes, hands on her collar bones. The comments spiral out of control. Yerim feels herself panic, her breath coming short and before she knows it, she kicks her leg out, throwing her laptop off the bed. It crashes to the floor, knocks over the camera stand. The line goes dead.

".", she breathes out, hands pressed to the top of her chest, falling rapidly in a wave of panic. "", she repeats and falls onto her side, curling in on herself. It can't go on like this anymore. It just can't. And only know does Yerim realize how tired she is, of it all.