ㅤᴅᴏᴏʀ ⋮ A11

@❛ sehun oh。 her gut was right: ariana should've left. the silence is almost unbearable, being the mere cause of her eyes to flutter shut while a frustrated sigh emits from her tight-lipped tiers. maybe he wasn't home, or maybe, he just wouldn't want to see her. if her mom was here, she would've scolded her for endless amounts of things within this moment; "follow your gut, but also your heart," she'd say, "assumptions aren't good, don't get ahead of yourself when you're unaware that there may be different outcomes," ariana can't help but feel sick to her stomach with a wave of nausea recking everything within it's wake. perhaps it was the realization that she'd never be scolded nor taught lessons by her mom again that has her stomach churning, immediate regret replacing her thickened blood to pump throughout her veins instead. there was so many years she'd spent by her side, mainly with feelings of hatred; so many years that she'd taken for granted. because now that she's gone, ariana is anything but found. lost, astray and off-track of her path. she'd forgotten how easy it was to feel so small. "right," it's whispered beneath her own breath, inaudible to any other being that may've been accompanying her unknowingly. it was almost feeding into her own demons, the one's that visit her within the dark of the night and whisper unspeakable nothing's into her ear; taunting and teasing, they were. "i should go." she continues, and when her eyes begin to open, so does the door.

her heart had never raced /so/ hard within her entire journey of life, ariana was almost frightful that each beat was visible with a light shake to her smaller frame. a knot was formed within , forcing the female to swallow around it as her lips parted. "uh-- hi," she begins. there's that small feeling again, and not just because the other had to be -- a foot taller than her in size. there were so many words, so many things she'd planned to say, so why was it so hard to speak? no matter how much she'd tried, she would fail each time upon putting her finger on why it was that she acted - no, felt - this way around the male; occurring naturally and completely unknowingly. breathing in sharply, she continues slowly. "sorry for showing up without notice, i just," pearly whites begin to sink and tear upon the plush flesh of her lower lip, fingertips curling around the paper bag (which, had landed within her embrace sometime within her inner conflict only moments before). her head dips forward, overlooking the items within the bag (a few sketchbooks, charcoal pencil sets, watercolor paint, drawing pens - basically a plethora of drawing supplies accompanied by an untouched leather journal and a single toy car). "i'm going to be leaving," her head curves upwards, an obligatory smile embellished upon her lips that neglected to reach her eyes. one of her palms smoothes upwards upon the edge of the bag until her fingers curl once more around the twisted straps so that it could successfully be extended toward's sehun's taller figure. "so, i wanted to give these to you. i don't need them. i thought.. you'd take better care than i could, anyway."

@❛ ariana grande。 day in, day out. wake up, morning routine, exercise, errands, afternoon routine- leisure and hobbies time, evening routine, walk vivi, shower and then sleep. with completion came every new day, the feat merely serving as a repeat button in sehun's perspective, rather than a sanguine reset as most people liked to see it. each day coming forth represented the number of days he hasn't had an episode since the last one, but it didn't mean anything meaningful or purposeful had happened either. no news was good news; he remembered however, keeping in mind the last time he had received news that was considered out of the ordinary that it had been tragic- devastating. that was then and this was now- the present. to sehun, time was linear- you either moved or you didn't. one was either stuck- left behind in the past, aligned to the present, or racing forward- ahead of themselves into the future. people often argued with him that his dogma regarding the world's fourth dimension was always skewed and heavily flawed, retaliating that time was an on-going continuum; a fluidity and merge of all that has happened to one and the essentially their entire life- lived experiences, witnessed interactions and encounters- no. he refused to believe in such an outrageous belief. it made no sense, and sehun hated- absolutely despised- content of such irrational and illogical nature.

on the particular day, during the specific time of quarter past six in the evening, when sehun was enjoying a poor man's humble dinner of instant noodles, whilst watching a documentary on how legumes such as peanuts, were farmed, came a knock onto his apartment door. strands of noodles hanging from his pressed lips caught mid-slurp, sehun froze into place. no one would be at his doorstep- he had no friends or family. internally, he debated whether he should just stay still, wait for them to go away, or answer to the door. he preferred the former over the latter, especially considering the fact that murders had been committed in the complex. to stay, or go. also, he preferred to be alone and by himself, instead of having to interact with another human. silently cutting off the noodles with a scrape of his teeth, sehun decided to go for it- out of curiosity. he was terrified, but as well, who was at his door? he stood up, being incredulously careful not to make any noise as he did so, before discreetly tip-toeing to his front door. he then peeked through the peephole of the polished apartment door- "hello." sehun suddenly said, unlocking and swinging the door open all in a series of swiftly executed actions, his usual flat, blunted self being revealed to the first and only guest of his.

[post deleted by owner]

@❛ sehun oh。 "hey baby, i'm sorry to have missed your call. looks like you missed mine too, so it looks like we're equal. anyways, i just wanted to call and check on how the move is going. how's the complex? have you made any new friends? call me back when you can. i love you. mom."

there's an underlying guilt that remains when somebody so close to you has passed away, one that eats and eats away at you until all that's left is one person left to blame: yourself. the person within ariana's case was her mother, someone who constantly upheld many titles despite the issues that'd risen between the two. not only was she her one and only mother, but a best friend, a rock, some sort of stability within the up's and down's of her life - a life without her mom was a life she didn't want to be a part of and letting go wasn't something she knew how to do. it was unfathomable, too painful to grasp even following hours and hours of self-deliberation. the guilt comes in many different sizes and shapes as the pitter patter of her feet shift up one side of her apartment and down the other, pacing whilst carelessly nipping upon the curvature of the nail of her thumb. she'd began to wonder, would this have happened if she wasn't so selfish? if she wouldn't have run away, would her mother have been saved from such a horrific accident? one things she's certain: if she stayed home, she would've been able to say goodbye. the words, even when she fled from home without an explanation, lacked. there were no goodbyes, there were no kisses and no hugs shared. only the feeling of despise mutually felt between the three family members, shared on high display for one another argument after argument.

despite all of that, however, there would always be a sense of love from her parents. sure, they all argued a lot, but she was their world. it was mutual, everything came in full circle. ariana always pictured being able to be wrapped up within the embrace of her mother once again, being taken down from the highest ledges and walked through the darkest paths of her life with a gentle squeeze to her hand. yet, all of those things were robbed from her. and for what? all that's left behind is this voice-mail, materialized gifts from birthdays and christmases that all began to seem so.. grim. her sky was painted with that of darkened clouds, streets filled by puddles of rain as her monsters awaken within the late of the night. there'd come a point where the lack of sleep and nutrients began to varnish her countenance. where she used to look so full and healthy, she's sunken in and fragile, weak to the bone as her throbbing head sinks into a trippy disorientation. this was all a nightmare that was lasting too long, that she couldn't awaken from despite the screams and cries resulting from attempts to do so. there was only one logical explanation to all of this, to return home to what she'd initially run away from in the beginning. but this, this place, with only a few mere weeks spent within this small little city.. it felt more like home than anything else.

with a tremor within her hands and a heavy heart, she'd began packing. it was a selfless act, leaving this place to return to a mess that she'd felt as though she'd left behind; as if it was all hers to clean up. in reality, there wasn't anything left to clean up of it. it's all in her head, her heart completely shattered as memories are packed away once more. her life is returned to restraints of box after box, labeled for where they'd go once she arrived. living room, kitchen, miscellaneous. looking around this small apartment, it only made the female feel increasingly smaller. was it always this big? there are a few items left out, items that she felt as though would be treated better by someone whom would actually treasure them. those too, are packed into a paper bag, one that follows the lines of the inside of her fingers as her body is drug from her apartment to the male's.

there's a certain level of concern that she'd felt for the male, and a certain connection that she simply couldn't dismiss. plus, with the previous event, ariana couldn't help but feel guilty about keeping such a thing away from him and acting as if it were okay. she'd attempted to avoid him to avoid that conversation because quite frankly, she wasn't good with confrontation. if she had learned anything from her mother's passing, however, it's that she can no longer leave without a word. she has to, at least, know that sehun will take good care of himself when she's no longer around. not like she takes care of him at all, but perhaps hearing him say it would bring her some sort of ease. her breath is caught within as her chocolate gaze cascades down the wooden door before her, nails gently sinking into her palm whilst securely holding the bag. maybe she should go, maybe she shouldn't be here. she's stuck within an inner dilemma, beginning to pace back and forth once more whilst murmuring the different options to herself. her body seems to follow it's instinct, the ends of her hair tickling the right side of her waist as her body halts. with a racing heart and (somewhat) of a trembling hand, the back of her index and middle knuckles knock twice against the door, teeth sinking within the plush of her lower lip.