✈　❛ lake

@❛ yohan kim。 "yeah, loyalty is always a huge thing for me, as well as trust. just...thanks for being around for me. it has been tough lately so i greatly appreciate those who are willing to stick around, given that many have left me in the past. but of course - you're welcome, yohan. i'm always here if you need someone, you know." there's a moment of silence, wintry air brushing against the girl's pale countenance and wispy tendrils of obsidian flock in the cool breeze. "don't worry about it, yohan. i'm uh...used to such things. i just think you should consider how much it might hurt to lose someone precious to you, and how your own death could evoke those emotions in those around you. have you considered talking to a therapist regarding these feelings?"

@❛ yein jung。 "oh. yeah, that.. that makes sense, doesn't it? having people you can count on no matter what is probably more precious than anything else that can be offered, at least friendship wise. probably screwed myself over by not really having any of that. honest and loyal.. i don't know why you'd think that because those just seem too high for me, but.. at the same time.. i don't really know how to deny it either. does that sound self-absorbed or something like that? but uh.. you're a great friend to me too, yein. thanks." he's not sure how many times he's said thanks in this conversation, but he uses his sincerity which shows through his steady voice's tone each single time. it's here now too as he looks down at the ground with a bittersweet look on his face. "but it just wouldn't be the same. i'm sure some of them would have left me on their own notice too. who wants to be friends with a has-been? but.. yeah, i guess you are at least somewhat right on the new friend things." he nods off a bit, his expression turning a little darker at the other's question. "ah.. i guess not. not anyone that i was super close to, although i've lost a few that i was somewhat close with.." yohan pulls his legs towards the rest of his body, almost tucking his head into said legs afterwards, trying to hide almost, as he weakly responds to the other. "sorry.. it- it's insensitive of me to say such things to you, right..? after all, you.. you'd know better.. just- uh- sorry.."

@❛ yohan kim。 "...yeah, it's been tough without a tight knit group of friends but - on the bright side, i'd rather have a few people i wholeheartedly trust rather than a large group of people i can barely trust. they do say that four quarters is better than a hundred pennies. and as for you, yohan - i value friends who are honest and loyal, and you fit with those adjectives. thus, you are a great friend to me, especially because you can speak to me so openly like so." bittersweet words exude past lips that are upturned into a soft, genuine smile that drips with enthusiasm and wholeheartedness. "your old friends must miss you. i'm sure they're not mad at you or anything like that. and even still, you can always make new friends. i'm glad i can at least be here for you." as hazel orbs are locked onto yohan's, her gentle smile remains sympathetic before she intakes a sharp inhale, brooding over what to ask. "have you... have you ever lost someone close to you before, yohan?" the iridescent look of coffee-stained eyes hint that the girl is speaking far beyond the recollection of losing friends - she is speaking of losing people to death, all too permanent in its harrowing bearing. "it truly tears you apart more than you can imagine so you...should think twice before having thoughts like that."

@❛ yein jung。 "beauty of the human soul..? that's an interesting way to put it.." he mutters under his breath while plucking at the nearby flourishing grass in a mechanical manner. "well.. if you want to know.." yohan's gaze travels to the other as he speaks, lightly, almost like a soft whisper. he just sits there, listening to the other and her stories, a slight grimace surfacing on his lips. "must have been hard.. without any friends, either.. but it's good that you've at least met more people here, yeah. and thank you for considering me as part of such.. although, i don't fall into amazing at all." a soft sigh escapes him after he completes his words. "i wish i could relate. i wish it was better here. it's just.. i used to have a lot of friends, actually. i kinda was the center of my friend group, a lot of them were just my friends and then i introduced them to the rest. but a lot of them were people who trained with me or juniors who kinda idolized me-- i just, i.. i couldn't face them afterwards. so i kinda cut ties with them. i just didn't think anyone would want to stay my friend or even act like they knew me after that. so now, i.. really don't have anyone. probably just you." the boy nods a bit, while staring directly into the orbs of the other, his voice appearing suppressed when he speaks again. "i have no clue to what this escape would be, though. and are you sure..? i just- i don't get why they'd care enough for it to be passed on. i can get a slight feeling of sadness, but.. i don't get why anyone would feel the same as me if i died." his face is scrunched up a bit as he tries to at least come up for a reason himself, but sighs once again when nothing comes to mind. "well, when it comes to saying more.. kinda relates to what i was just saying. after the diagnosis, i really couldn't face anyone. i was so embarrassed and upset with myself that i was quick to move out of home. didn't want to see their disappointed faces so i quickly just kinda up and left that day. stayed in the area for a bit though, since i still had school and had to go for treatment.. but that's literally all i went outside for. was just holed up inside all the time. once my condition finally was good enough for me to walk without supports and i somehow still got into some sort of university, that's when i came here." his eyebrows furrow for a bit at the other's words before his eyes quickly reverting to their softer state, his breathing becoming a little heavy as he tries to restrain his emotions. "thank you yein, just.. thank you. i can't really believe that yet, but thank you for saying so."

@❛ yohan kim。 "sometimes it's hard for me to believe that some care for me as well... but i guess that's the beauty of the human soul. oh yeah - if you don't mind me asking, what have your experiences with friendships throughout your life been like? i thought it would be interesting to talk about." yein pauses for a moment, a clear look of hesitation etched across her features. however, having brought up the topic, she figures she can't simply stop there "personally, i've never had good experiences with friendships. i lost many people i considered close to myself during high school, so moving out here has been something new. and i'll be honest - not all my experiences out here have been great. but even still, it's opened me up a lot, i think. i've met amazing people i cherish, and you're one of them." a hum elicits past roseate tiers as she broods over what to say next. "everyone has a different escape - you just have to find yours. and i don't think dying will do a thing, yohan. all it does is make those around you sad. while it ends your train of thoughts of suffering, you only pass it on to those around you..." a bitter smile laces yein's lips, all too clear to see that she knew what that pain felt like, though she decides to stay quiet for now. "you can say more if you want. or you can ask me questions too, so you're not the only one talking here. and hey," umber irises are dreary and nebulous for a second as she places a steady hand upon the male's shoulder, "i'm proud of you, okay? not everyone receives the results they like. even geniuses fail over and over again before they manage to succeed. i know for sure that you have so much more of a life to continue living and writing out."

@❛ yein jung。 there's a moment where yohan's facial expression finally loosens up, the stiffness and serious that once occupied his face being replaced for widened eyes with repeated blinking, and an overall shocked yet delighted expression. there's a certain softness that resides in his eyes even after they go back to something similar to their normal state, replacing the blankness and tiredness that could be seen in them before. "it's just.. yeah. i guess that's natural, but, well.. i guess it's hard to think that anyone would genuinely want to be my friend. since i can't believe that, it's hard to believe you'd care.." his voice drifts off as he gazes at the other. "ah.. four years.. that is a decent amount of time ago, i guess.. what sort of ways were there? it's just.. it's so hard to believe that. i've been like this for so long that i can't imagine anything being better again. i think the only thing that keeps me going right now is the fact that dying would just be as disappointing to others as my whole original mess. kind of like living just because i can't die. it is quite pretty in places like this, but.. a pretty atmosphere doesn't suddenly make me feel complete, i guess. that just isn't me, maybe.." he sighs softly, gazing down at the lake and the grass surrounding it attentively, as if trying to feel something from them. "well.. if you want to hear more, i'm okay with saying more..? so should i?" the male nods a bit to himself as he speaks softly, although his hands begin to roughly pick at the grass as he hears the others next words. "so what if i was only trying to do so? i tried and i screwed it all up. winning, or even just doing somewhat decent there would have granted me everything i ever wanted. and instead- /instead/, i'm here, doing something i would have never considered before that happened, and living this.. mess of a life. the results are what matter. so even if i wasn't trying to be terrible, i did terrible, and that's all people will remember. that's all i can risk thinking about. so i can't- i can't be all coddling and reward myself for ruining it all."

@❛ yohan kim。 even without the male finishing his question does yein give a slight nod of the head. after all, she knew very well what it felt like to be disregarded and ignored - she knew that simply having an open ear would be able to help a lot. "no problem. you're a close friend to me - of course i care about you. it's only natural, right?" a tender smile fills the canvas of the girl's visage as she lifts a hand to ruffle yohan's dusky locks, only shaking her head at his next words. "it's alright. it's been four years so i've...managed to take a step forward. it's not as if i can forget about it or completely move forward but there for sure have been ways to cope. and it's okay if you're feeling like that, yohan. things can seem dark or hazy some days - just know that you truly have better days ahead of you. even when i'm feeling down and in the dumps, i try to focus on something small that i might appreciate...like the look of the sky when the sun sets, or even the starry sky at night. i think there's too much beauty in life itself that i could never tear myself away from, so hopefully there's something that keeps you going too." iridescent orbs of dark coffee peer out at the lake in awe as unoccupied hands begin to play with the grass they're sitting upon, brooding over the words of yohan's story - something she had wished not to forcefully barge into, though she had always wanted to know more about her "little brother," find out how exactly how and why he became the sullen boy she is faced with today. "no, i's love to hear more, only if you're alright with it. i feel like i've gotten to know you better, yohan. i just - i don't think you should blame yourself so harshly... you were only trying to take part in something you had passion for. you should really...be more gentle with yourself and love yourself more."

@❛ yein jung。 "do you.. do you really..?" there's a small shaky quality in yohan's voice as he quietly speaks to the other, unsure if such a nice opportunity and nice words could really be true. "uh.." his hand reaches the back of his neck and he rubs it slightly while dragging off his words. "thank you, yein. thank you for caring." he looks into the other's eyes with a softening gaze, which quickly switches to one of concern when the other suddenly pauses her talk. his mouth slightly opens at the statement of the other, his hand going out to caress one of her put aside fists. "that.. that must have been hard on you. i'm sorry you had to go through such a thing.. but it's nice that you can see past it. i guess i just have severe tunnel vision." he lets out a deep breath and gazes up once again. "i just can't see it that way, you know? not anymore." he pauses for a second before continuing. "i.. used to be really different. i was the life of the party, he cool friend with all the crazy life stories and the main delight for my parents. i was also a taekwondo athlete at the time, all of this probably happened around the time i got onto the national team..?" he nods to himself afterwards to confirm. "i was on top of the world, accomplished my life dream- and then i went into my first match as a member, and i-- i royally screwed up. that's where i completely injured my leg. doctor told me i couldn't even practice anymore and.. well, i ended up here. i guess that is cutting out a whole portion of what happened after the diagnosis but-- i feel like i've already shared more than someone would ever want to hear, unless you want to know more. but that's how i got myself into this mess in a nutshell."

() this got really long im sorryh sdfghnj

@❛ yohan kim。 “i don’t mind listening to your story one bit, yohan. i want to understand you, help dispel those negative emotions. i want to see you enjoy yourself for once.” with her attention diverting to the male beside her, the look in her eyes kissed with chocolate become soft and are laced with commiseration that is all too clear to see. “to be honest, i—” her lighthearted voice halts, and there’s a sharp pang in her chest; heavy anguish and tension flood her ragged emotions, though she decides to clutch those feeble emotions into her tiny fists, setting them aside for the moment. “i actually...lost my parents in the past. things have been tough, yeah. but i think there’s always more to life—so much more to explore and live for.”

@❛ yein jung。 a soft sigh escapes the male as he gazes into the small bits of the dark, beautiful sky he can see. his hands absent-mindly fiddle with the edge of his shirt as he continues to be in awe at the picturesque place the two of them have landed up at. for a second, a small smile appears on his face while gazing around- until the other begins to speak again, and yohan finds himself gazing down into his lap at the complicated question.
"i.." he mumbles softly, before giving a soft shrug and finally gazing up at the other, with a very blank expression. "just because i'm a failure. because i don't deserve to enjoy life, or have anything better than this. it.. it used to be different, but i went and ruined my whole life. so i guess it's my punishment towards myself? because it's already ruined, so it might as well be worse. might as well be over.." his voice fades out with the last few words. "i guess you don't know why, though.. but that's a long story. doubt you'd want to hear me ramble about that."

@❛ yohan kim。 a gentle nod of the head is given, paired with a tender smile as her partner's consent is given. muted breezes of cool air upturn yein's obsidian tresses, brooding over words at the tip of her tongue she now was harboring doubts toward saying. however, there's a sort of vigilant self within the girl, yearning to listen to yohan's possible ongoing and impending issues, just like the sort of big sister she had claimed herself to be. even still, growing as an only child, she could only merely guess what older, protective siblings were to do in situations like this.
"if it's okay with you, i simply wanted to ask why your attitude toward life itself has been very...sullen. i just - i care a lot about you, yohan. you're really like a little brother to me. i almost feel at fault when i see you so hurt."

@❛ yein jung。 his gaze moves all around the expansive space filled with the glassy blue lake lined with tall trees and green lush foliage that makes it hard to catch the glimpses of the sky, even if he solely gazes above. however, there's a weird sense of healing that comes over the male as he stands there, hands entwined behind his back, just inhaling the fresh air and silently admiring the scenery. it was a big change from being holed up in his room, and a fairly sudden one at that. he's not even quite sure to what is going on, yet he follows the other, sitting down near her, breaking out of his dazed state at her words.
a soft hum of agreement escapes him while he listens to the girl's soft voice. "oh-" the male blinks rapidly, taken aback at the sudden suggestion before regaining composure and giving a quick nod. "yeah, that's fine. we can do that."

@❛ yohan kim。 cursory glances of endearment scan across the aquamarine body of water before the two, before moving across the zealous foliage of the forest - upturned rose-stained lips are indicative of the girl's admiration for the area, and she can't help but halt in her gentle steps to take a good inhale of the crisp air. lithesome strives bring her close to the edge of the water where she pats herself off before taking a seat beside the azure lake.
"you're probably wondering why i brought you here, yohan," comes forth like warm, silky honey as the girl's umber irises divert to look up at the empyrean sky, nearly reflective of the lake's alluring state. "i wanted to have a small talk. is that okay?"

the bite of the wind should bother her more than it does, but as she reaches to curl her fingers around a lone, broken off tree branch settled by the trunk of a looming tree, she doesn’t seem to mind. squatting down with her feet flat against the dirt to save herself the work of laundry and/or dry cleaning, she pushes the stick idly into the water, dragging it with enough force to snap the branch in half.

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hate. hatred. resentment. loathing, with every continuing beat of life. sustained, with every ragged, inspired breath. prolonged, grudgingly, not out of resilience, but by disregard; ignorance- carelessness. he has chosen wrong again, committing to an act that's reprehensible; familiar poison settling throughout him, coursing in his veins, rushing- to flood the hopeless dismal- his mind, his heart. there's a light lakeside breeze, its airy presence ghosting their way through the locks of his hair, like a fond touch; a significant other's caressing, or perhaps a mother's affection- showing endearment for their child. streaks of indigo, violet, gold and orange of sundown coalesce, gazing right down upon him, allowing him to be seen in a better light. pinprick pupils hold a vast void, parched serpentine lips are crooked with an ellipse, a face of controversy and conflict persists; donning such a light-hearted, mellow expression, yet worn of wounds; bruises, along with the dried, caked residue of blood. gone was the dull ache that lingered- the pain that had tugged- jerking him- pressuring him to venture down the path of memory lane. a forbidden realm that chanyeol knew he couldn't get lost in, its conformity often an endangerment. the windows to the soul are coming to a close, it's only a matter of time, the gentle rocking of the sailboat lulling him to a different place- different surrounding, away from /this/ moment. all that he sees and feels, implode. there's nothing but the soft, quiet narration of his own voice, the one that also portrays judge, jury and executioner. time diverges, but thoughts converge. the windows shut. when one door closes, another one opens. silence, then darkness.. then- finally. he can see what he wants to see; that summer, the trip to the beach cove, his beloved sister's carefree face sharpening into sight, the dearly missed latter standing right beside him, the field of view first-person- everything is in his perspective- point of view. looking out into the glimmering tides of the sapphire blue ocean ahead of them, she tells him the inevitable truth with a heavy sigh. "i wish i didn't have to move away.. i'm actually going to miss you a lot, my annoying, troublemaker baby brother.."