❇ ⁞  lakehouse

@ʙ ⁞ juho b 。 /turning my head i leave the comfort of hiding among your fur to look up at the sky for a moment, sniffling as i brush my fingertips lightly over the droplets to try and get them off of my cheeks and chin
i must look like a mess...
/mumbles to myself, its so far drilled into my existence - the need to look perfect that even now when i'm falling apart i clutch at the pieces to try and hold myself together
/i distract myself watching your paw lift up, wondering what you want to do with it but you end up putting it down again instead
/sighing i lay my head back down on your side, brushing my hair back from my face and looking up at the night sky again, sinking into your fur just a little bit more
/the sound of your growl makes me smile, i feel it rumble through the rest of your body and it has me stroking the back of my hand over your fur as if to sooth you
/a gentle gasp leaves me when you nudge my chest with your nose, i can feel the cool, damp skin through the thin fabric of my shirt and it makes me shiver
your nose is so cold
/laughs under my breath though, shifting around again and closer to you this time, guiding your head down to my lap and laying it there
i wonder if you could speak what you would tell me
to be quiet?
to stop crying when its all my fault?
/asks as my tears fall, landing on your fur this time and it makes me apologise under my breath, sniffling some before i whisper under my breath
and you know who i miss most right now?
who i wish could be here?
that little brother of mine, he looks like an egg at the moment you know-
/laughs a bit as i describe you, unknowingly, to yourself, scratching behind your ears as i lift my face a bit, meeting the cool breeze that calms the ruddiness in my cheeks and i just smile, gentle and sweet
but he's my little egg
...or he used to be

@○ ⁞ joongi l 。 /in the moment, some small part of me wants to insist that I'm not what you believe, to make you believe that I'm not just an animal you've summoned
/but it's all too clear that you need comfort, and I know too well that you won't get any such comfort from knowing it's me lying here with you
/the soft breeze of night air ruffles through dense fur just as surely as it disturbs your hair, and I lift a heavy paw from the ground
/of course there are no fingers to tuck back a lock of hair, just long, sharp claws at the end of furred toes
/resting that paw back down, I can only emit another purr in response to your fingers in my fur
/then your words strike me in a way I hadn't expected, not when I've known full well what would drive you to such a solitary moment
/of course it has to do with him, and of course you're left to think it's your fault, and of course you're crying over man who never should have had a place in your life
/all of that has me lifting my head, my face turned from you, lips thinned against a mouthful of curved teeth and soft purr lost to a more menacing growl directed to the reeds
/if he were here, oh if only he were here, I could have saved myself some frustration and you a few tears in the end if I ripped out his jugular to make up for every time you had been left in this state
/of course your quiet, wordless pleas amount to more than my frustration, and I exhale a single, heavy huff through my nose before lying my head down between my paws
/even if I wished the worst punishment I could think of on his head, I wouldn't leave you while you cling to me the way you do, and instead, I shift, placing my head first on a paw, then nosing against your chest in hopes it might offer some comfort

@ʙ ⁞ juho b 。 /when you finally come closer after sitting down, i feel you brush into my palm and it makes me smile through my tears, a shaky little sob laving me as i do so
you're so soft...
/whispers as i run my fingers through your fur, digging my fingertips in deep until i can feel the muscle beneath, strong and fierce, though its just comforting to me, not frightening
/i let my hand slide over your side and back when you slink closer to me, settling down in the reeds with me while i watch the natural grace your limbs carry in them
/jostles just a bit when your head lolls towards my side, hearing you making a purring sound has my heart fluttering since i'm being treated to such a beautiful, graceful creature
for a wild creature, you're certainly soft and gentle
/comments as i look at you, my hand hovering in the air now before i set it back down on your side, gently rubbing over your belly now as i do so
then again, for a solitary animal, you don't seem to mind my company...
/trails off before i lean against you a bit, looking down at my hands in my lap before i brush away fresh tears with my sleeve, shaking my head at myself
why do i feel so lonely when its my fault?
/whispers softly as i lift my head and look up at the sky, sighing softly while the cooler evening air bites at my nose and makes my breath visible
that's right, joongi
you sleep in the bed you made
/i'm mostly peaking to myself but its not like you can't hear me, i just don't realise you're actually able to understand me either
...even if you wish just one person would share it and stay in it with you a little longer
/turning my gaze from the sky i look at you instead, giving you a shaky smile as i speak
stay a little while, please
/pleads of you as i begin to lay back down, this time on my side and curled up with my head against your fur, brushing my fingers over it softly before i curl them in, holding on much like a child, or perhaps even sadder, a lost adult

@○ ⁞ joongi l 。 /the sight of you, lying among the reeds at the edge of the water, a veil of dappled shadow cast by moonlight over your figure, is enough to give me pause
/yet I know that as I sit on my haunches, if it were me, the real me standing on two legs and trying to offer you a hand, this moment would be very different and you wouldn't be offering an outstretched hand toward me
/playing the part, I stretch my neck and bring my large head closer, furred muzzle coming nearly close enough to brush against your fingers, but I can feel light touch at the very end of my whiskers
/a quiet growl escapes me in response to that question, as if you might somehow understand I'm not just one of your summons, but at the same time I'm certain I don't wish you to know the truth
/compliments for this physique has me rising from my haunches, taking a step forward on broad, heavy paws and coming close enough with my head held low as I come closer
/the sight of that gleam in your eyes is more than enough to have me lean my head against your hand, brushing a cheek against your fingers, then dropping my head until I can feel the brush of each digit between my ears
/this moment is far from what I should be using my abilities for, and yet here I am, slinking closer, tail flicking slowly from side-to-side behind me, before I dare to sink down, lying down on my belly alongside you and lolling my head against your side with another sound more akin to a purr just for your sake
/it's more communicating than I think we've done as brothers in a very long time, and perhaps if you have to believe I'm one of your accidental discharges of your quirk in order for me to offer some comfort, then I have no intention of changing at your side and lifting that illusion so long as it offers comfort

@ʙ ⁞ juho b 。 /the sound of the reeds rustling is really the only indicator that i'm not alone, at least at first as i lay there, and even then i'm not sure if i care enough to get up in the first place
/even then, i struggle to care beyond just wanting to be alone, no desire to see anyone considering how i feel and god help anyone who does come across me now
/pushing myself up, ready to scare off whoever it is and give them hell, i'm stunned when in fact there's no person but an animal greeting me instead
oh...
/breathes the word out as my eyes meet a pair of amber coloured ones, they're so beautiful that i'm struck by them and in awe rather than the fear most people would be feeling instead
did i summon you...?
/questions softly though i don't expect an answer of course, just me smiling at the sight of you while i lean on my side, righting myself up even more so i can outstretch my hand to you
you're a beautiful one, aren't you?
so strong but sleek
/murmurs in awe as i watch you still, my fingertips outstretched as much as they can, wriggling just a bit in the air since i can't bring myself to find the energy to move more than this
/i can feel the hot huff of your breath coming out from your nose, it just shows how close i am, and i can just about feel the coolness coming from your dark nose too, everything in me welcoming you closer, pleading almost as my eyes shine with fresh tears at the thought of you leaving me too
please don't go...

@○ ⁞ joongi l 。 /transforming had been a mistake, one which I could not remind myself that I could rectify with enough practice, not when I knew there was no chance of changing back right away
/it's that transformation which has me climbing out of the window of my dorm, perching upon a window ledge, thick, furred tail flicking behind my muscled haunches as I attempt practiced grace to leap from the ledge of the windowsill into the grass just beneath
/at the very least, I land on my feet, eight-inch wide pads pressing into the soil and leaving great, cat-like impressions in the dirt if not for their size
/a low growl escapes the dark, ruffled lips of my maw, one more like a disgruntled purr as I thread between shadows, seeking some manner of stealth that should come naturally to this form
/another feline shape should be easy, after all, morphing into cats has been my specialty since I was younger, but there's a difference between a house cat, a cougar, and this
/the night sky above is dark enough to offer some cover as I wander the grounds, seeking out some shelter for the night rather than risk scaring any of my dorm mates
/blades of grass tickle at my sides as I wander, listless, only keeping out of sight and away from windows as I venture to the lake
/then something catches my ear, a voice somewhere too far away to catch each word, and yet the feeling that seems to flood its tone is one that compels me to move a little quicker
/with my head hung lower, and great, muscled-neck held taut, I seek out the source of the sound, only to realize those pained noises are ones I've heard before, even if only from the other side of a closed door
/springing forward, I pause just short of the source of the noise, taking in your familiar form lying by the side of the water as I leave my cover, standing in silhouette by one of the floodlights pointed out from the lakehouse
/a low rumble leaves my throat, square jaw opening just enough to let the sound escape as a slightly more menacing purr rather than a growl as I duck my head into the light, revealing the broad, striped face of my accidentally chosen form: a Siberian tiger

@ʙ ⁞ juho b 。 /as the tears simply won't stop, i seem unable to keep still so i don't try anymore, wandering through halls at the late hour, i appear more apparition than true flesh and bone, bodily confines i wish i could escape to appease some of the pain i feel
/but it won't go away, nothing is intent on turning right for me tonight it seems, shaking hands messily wiping away tears i wish wouldn't fall in the first place, not for the man i curse tonight and have done so many a night before as well
/as the crisp night air greets me i find myself walking through the campus grounds, the dampness of the cold grass tickling at my legs and dampening the bottom of my trousers a bit, uncertain of where exactly it is i'm going just that i need to... move
/but i wind up walking around the lake, its eerily silent but i take comfort in it, as well as the stillness of the water while i make my way around its edge to the lakehouse
/my walking disturbs a flurry of fireflies, briefly stopping to watch them flit past me, their light reflected on my dewy skin from where i've been crying and working myself up
/but the pull of the empty lake house draws me onward again, though i don't make it before my knees given in, a sob coming from me that no amount of acting i've done, no length of experience could ever come close to mimicking for how real the pain in my tone is
/already half hidden by the reeds at the water's edge, i become completely so for the unsuspecting eye as sink down among the dirt and curl up on my side, calling a name, /his/ name until the sound dies out in my throat
/fireflies continue their dance above my head, its a beautiful night with countless stars to be seen for once but i can't look, not when my sky feels dark and soulless, empty though not as much as me
/and its a record i've played countless times, resetting it over and over in the naive hopes it might turn out a little differently, but of course it doesn't and i'm the only one left here, hurt and with nowhere left to go