☆ ⁞  journal

july twenty third. ten fifty eight pm.

it's friday eve, and guess what just came out: prom event. god, i don't even know if i want to go, it's so.. high school, and trust me, i despised being in high school. but then again, i was sort of just the freaky girl with orange streaks in her hair, not to mention that hyunjin, mute nerd, was attached to my hip. and no one knew of our quirks, so it was difficult to make friends when you're so idk different. i guess that's why i'm glad i have hyunjin. hyunjin, if you're reading this, i'd like mochi ice cream as a reward for saying smth remotely nice about you, thnx. and also, why would you be reading my journal in the first place? i'll beat you up.

anyway, yeah idk if i'm gonna go. hyunjin keeps signing that he's gonna take me dress shopping but honestly, i think it's just an excuse to find an 'outfit' for mingyu. disgusting (insert a poorly drawn puke emoji). i think he signed something about being a demon zaddy??? idk what goes on through his peanut brain but i guess that's what mingyu's into, so now i'm wondering what goes through mingyu's peanut brain.

i have decided i have No Friends, they're all weird

wait i spilled some hot chocolate on the journal i need to go idk why i'm writing this out but yea if you forget how you got this stain, ryujin, it's hot chocolate

ryu gtg.

july twenty first. one thirty nine am.

personally, i've never thought to do journals or diaries, but the guidance counselor here suggests that i write down about how i feel or how my day was instead of channeling my feelings into insults and judgments. told her it was ridiculous, but jie encouraged me ('encouraged' is scribbled out and replaced with, 'bribed') with bailing me out of detention at least three more times and we can also talk about getting a cat. so here i am, uh, writing. today was pretty boring. hung out with hyunjin before sparring practice, i was sort of spacing out but i think he was signing about that walking cake toucher with man tiddies and about how he's like idk totally head over heels for him. as anticlimatic as it sounds for a relationship to start with someone suddenly touching your in the bathroom, i guess they're cute. maybe it would've been better for like, hyunjin to press charges against mingyu first, then when he's about to go on the electric chair, hyunjin calls out,

'stop! i love him'

but mingyu dies anyway because no one can understand his frantic signing. yeah, that'd be better, more fun. anyway though, sparring was alright, won as usual but i think i'm going against minho or something next week and we both know that although we'd like to crush the little emo kid like a skittle, he's still our friend ('friend' is erased) acquaintance and idk i guess i don't want him knowing my deepest fears. i don't even know what mine are anyway. so maybe i'll just fight him with my eyes closed and just freeze everything every five seconds.

when i got home, i took a nap for a couple hours, and jie woke me up because she tried baking some cookies and i'm not sure what it was, but i didn't have the heart to tell her it tasted god awful. maybe because i was too busy choking on it for one, but yeah, so now she thinks she's an amazing baker. it isn't all bad though, because i'll either see the rest of the group put up fake smiles and then spit out the cookies or tell it to her face that she can't bake. as long as it isn't me.

anyway, i'm guessing that this week will just go by like a breeze so don't count on me writing in the journal tomorrow too. sorry jie, if you're reading this :>

ryu, out.

070820 • second day

Another day of life in this wretched place called Earth, another journal entry to add to the pile. Today was just another sick reminder of why I hate everything.

I was asked to practice using my quirk in the training room, complaints about how I don't use the room at all going in one ear and out the other. I'm not sure what kind of response they were expecting, but it was definitely not no.

It's just... I already know what my quirk is like. A simple look in the eye and, bam, the receiver lives through one of their worst fears and I see the same thing. How can I possibly practice my quirk if it means subjecting someone to that horror? No one in their right mind would do something like that if they valued their own sanity.

I never asked for this life. I never asked for this quirk that's supposed to be oh so special. It doesn't feel special, and it definitely doesn't feel like something I should be proud of. It's a burden, one I've grown tired of carrying so long ago.

I'm so tired. So, so tired, yet here I am. I guess death doesn't want me either.

Unhappy days,
Minho

[post deleted by owner]

070620 • first day

Every day passes by like a blur like usual, but today was... interesting? Is that the right word? Maybe not.

I landed myself in detention today, reason long forgotten by now. Maybe it's because after the teacher asked the class how we were all doing, I answered, "Drinking bleach sounds good right about now." I was kicked out class after and sent to the detention room to "think about my choice of words". Like that is going to change anything. The detention room might become my favorite place though. I don't have to worry about any quirk mishaps there.

Anyways, there was this pink haired girl also there and she kept throwing spitballs at me? I don't know why she did it, probably bored out of her mind. Even when I asked her to stop, she would eventually start it again. It was annoying, but at least they were just spitballs. Definitely better than names.

Just when I thought I was free after coming back to the dorm, I tell Hyunjin about what happened today, and he, to my utter dismay, tells me that the pink haired girl is? His? Best friend? Hyunjin, I don't know how you ended up friends with her, but I sure hope everything is alright.

As for me, well, I wish something takes me out soon before I have to meet "Ryujin", as Hyunjin told me, ever again.

Always craving death,
Minho

07.06.2020. a thoughtful morning. comforting, peaceful, reminds me of home.

the more i stay here in this academy, the more i realize that i'm meant to be in this place. papa always spoke of knowing something and feeling it in his bones - well, i guess i could say being here is something that i know was a right decision. i can feel it in my bones.

even though i still have fears, i'm reassured that mama and jiejies are in a better place right now, where they have more people than just one scrawny kid tending to their needs. it was for the best, i'm guessing. they'd have no one at all to take care of them if i got caught too. and as for papa, i have no idea how he is, what he's feeling, what he's thinking, how he's doing. but i know that he'll never let the light within him dim down, he will always shine bright no matter what and he'll always make sure of it.

here, there are people who understand me and accept me for who i am. i do not have to hide the light i'm blessed with. i'm sure if papa saw me here, he'd be happy for me too. and even though i cant see them, i know mama and jiejies are too. i miss them, but i know they're happy.

with all my love,
jiejie.

p.s. no, ryujin still doesnt have her shorts.

07.05.2020. night is more remarkable than morning. it was the moon who shone brighter today.

no words, absolutely no words to describe today. it's a ridiculously long story, but i shall do my best to summarize. so we start the day with my roommate ryujin, the pink haired girl, wearing shorts. she texts me midday to tell me she ed up, and as i was about to ask her what happened, i then receive another text saying she had it covered. and i, assuming that it was all well and good, went on about my day. it's still unsuspecting from here, but it gets worse.

and so i meet up with mingyu for lunch and he tells me he saw a cute guy wearing booty shorts in the men's restroom, and the nasty demon had the nerve to call his bottom "cake" in front of a whole stranger (who, upon further questioning, turns out to be said cake victim's friend). and so as i went back to the dorm, i see ryujin wearing men's pants. i now have the strong urge to question her as to why and who's it is, but i figured it would have been rude to ask.

next thing i know, i'm on a video call with mingyu and ryujin sees, calls out after him and says something along the lines of "hey! minho told me you called hyunjin's cake in the bathroom earlier." and as i realize what happened, i now feel compelled to walk out of this academy. i'll update you tomorrow if she ever gets her shorts back.

with all my love,
jiejie.

07.04.2020. a floral day. marigolds and daisies decorated my every view - nothing short of lovely.

most of today was spent practicing my powers, i'm afraid i've not much to say apart from that. i spent much of my time on the training grounds practicing; it's been so long since i exercised it like that, my eyes were glowing and so were my veins. it was fascinating. since my stay here, i've only had very limited use for it, in class and in every day settings. it felt nice to wield it like that again.

though, i couldn't help but remember the lessons papa taught me before while training earlier. relaxed shoulders, calm breathing, immense focus, these were all hammered down into my brain from the many lessons i learned from him starting from when i was a child. if it hadn't been for him, i wouldn't be able to master it like i do now. he was, and will forever be, my greatest mentor.

the pizza date last night went well, i have no idea what time we slept but it was really fun. i'm starting to really warm up to them, i really like the girls. nene reminds me so much of jiamei jiejie, they're both so hyper and curious, it's adorable. i may have to keep an eye on soul and ryujin tho, they're both troublemakers like huiren jiejie. but so far? i think we'll get along pretty well. i'll catch up with you again tomorrow.

with all my love,
jiejie.

07.03.2020. quite a warm day. the sun was restless, but comforting nonetheless.

dear diary,

so, good news - the cloak worked. we were able to shimmy ourselves out somehow. the three of us were very snug on the bed, but i guess it also has it's perks - it's been a little over forever since i've had sleepovers like that. it was dark, but it was fun, in it's own little way. it somehow made me miss my jiejies, how i'd always help them sleep when they can't. how i'd always sing for them when they're too lively to fall asleep.

i wish they're doing well, my mother and sisters. i know they're well taken care of, but i still do always wish that they're in better care than i could've ever given them. i wish someone cooks for mama all her favorite meals, sings for my jiejies all their favorite songs. i'd do everything i could right now to meet them, see if they're well, but i'd be much bigger of a threat if i do attempt to do that. i could only hope that they're doing well, i miss them.

the girls and i in the dorm decided to order some pizza to shove down our throats tonight - a get to know each other party, if you will. i'll finish my homework really really quickly and get back with you tomorrow.

with all my love,
jiejie.

07.02.2020. a very chilly night.

dear diary,

i'm quite lucky i brought you tonight. something told me earlier that this night wasn't gonna be very normal - some sort of spidey sense, however weird it might sound. true enough, i'm here right now, writing this in the infirmary, not sure how accurate my letters are cuz it's very well near pitch black in here. i spent the rest of my energy trying to light a light bulb, so this is where i'll be spending my night i guess.

i'm with two dudes, luckily they're eric and gyu. had they been anyone else, i literally would've freaked out. i guess this night isn't all that awful, at least i'm stuck with two people i find nice. my nose bled earlier so i got sent here, and now i'm stuck. fate is quite funny sometimes, i can't study tonight. i think fate's telling me to rest.

i have two of my favorite boys to cuddle to sleep tonight, though i hope the teachers dont catch us tomorrow. guess i'll be working on a cloak light tonight. see you in the morning.

with all my love,
jiejie.

07.01.2020. the sun was bright, not very many clouds. the wind was just the right amount of chilly.

dear diary,

surprisingly, today was a lot kinder. i barely recall the dream i had last night, which i would think is better than remembering it especially around these times. i still do think of him, i want him to be happy and safe always. but i know papa wouldn't want me to worry about him a lot, he'll be happier if i think of him and think happy thoughts. here's to hoping papa is in a good place right now, wherever he may be.

class was pretty interesting. there was this one girl who leaked, i felt so bad for her, she was looking for tampons and no one had any. i shushed her to the side and gave her one, pink haired girl was so thankful. i actually forgot to ask for her name, but i do hope i get to bump into her someday in the campus. i forgot to tell her my name too, but she called me tampon girl so i guess i'm glad i made that impression on her.

and i'm happy to report that my notes d i d n t get ruined -- they, however, are somehow weirdly morphed and slightly unreadable. but eh, it beats losing an entire notebook. i think i should find someone with better notes, we'll see. but that'll be it for today, lets hope tomorrow is just as pleasant.

with all my love,
jiejie.

06.30.2020. a rather cloudy day, but quite pleasant nonetheless.

dear diary,

i dreamt of papa last night, i would like to think that every dream with him is something i look forward to - but some days, like the one last night, he was all ruined and bruised and he was calling to me for help. i wanted to go to him, i wanted to save him, but for some reason, i just couldn't. something was holding me back, if that makes sense? it kind of doesn't, but dreams rarely do make sense anyways.

the rest of my day went by like a blur, pretty uneventful but time flies by like the wind nonetheless. my new dorm mates are the sweetest, i'm honestly really excited to get to know them more. classes were okay too, though i spilled some water on my notebooks in the study hall and now they're hanging by my bedroom window. i'm not just about to throw away a whole month's worth of notes, you feel? so i'm trying my best to salvage them and dry them up. let's hope they're still readable.

anywho, i still have homework to catch up on. i have some nice tunes playing and i'm in the perfect mood to study. i'll catch up with you again tomorrow night, maybe update on my wet notebooks if i remember. let's hope i get better dreams of papa tonight.

with all my love,
jiejie.