✩ prompts

PART 2

The temptation was strong, and so it was without hesitation that Jaejin agreed. Hanging up his phone, he made his way back to the studio, though this time, instead of walking inside he made his way over to his motorcycle. He stopped and stared at it for a moment, memories flashing in his mind of all the rides he took her on before he shook his head and got on before speeding away. Jihoon didn’t live very far luckily, so before long he was at his brother’s place and parking.

Once inside, Jaejin slipped off his jacket and settled on the couch as Jihoon brought a few cans of beer. “Here.” He took the can gratefully, but instead of opening it, he simply stared at it. He’s not sure what caused the start, perhaps it was the comfort and security his elder brother provided, but soon the can became blurry, and suddenly a comforting hand rubbed his back as he wept. He wept for all the pain he had caused and felt, for all the regrets he had, for love he had and lost, for simply the sake of weeping and letting out his frustration and pain.

His brother remained a silent pillar of comfort throughout the whole ordeal, and eventually, Jaejin found himself able to calm down. Excusing himself, he found his usual room through his blurry vision and slipped into a hot shower. The relaxation caused more tears, and by the time the water ran cold, he was beyond exhausted. Jihoon had left some water and pain relievers on his nightstand, and ever grateful, Jaejin took them before setting his phone to charge.

He sat on the edge of his bed for a moment simply holding his phone and staring at it, secretly hoping it would ring. But whose name did he want to see pop up? He wasn’t sure. Against his better judgment though, he unlocked his phone and dialed her number. It went straight to voicemail. Perhaps she had blocked him. That made his heart ache, but nothing made it ache more than hearing her cheerful voice telling him to leave a message. With a defeated sigh, he ended the call and crawled into bed. As the sun finally peeked over the horizon, Nam Jaejin finally found his eyes closing. His dreams were filled with memories of better days with her. It was always her. It will always be her.

PART 1

3:26 a.m. shone brightly in the dimly lit studio where a lone man sat staring blankly at a project on his computer screen. This had become Nam Jaejin’s new routine. Group rehearsals, smoking, drinking, working on music, rinse, repeat. He hardly slept these days because all he saw when he closed his eyes was her. A sigh escaped his lips as his fingers thrummed against the table in frustration.

Finally, he decided to take a break, saving his work before standing up just in case he decided not to come back for the night. Grabbing his jacket, he put his stuff away before slinging his bag over his shoulder. He bowed politely to other late-working staff, smiling charmingly to the females who could be heard giggling as he walked by.

The air was warm despite the time, so his jacket hung on his bag as he walked, only stopping by the corner to pull out a cigarette from a pack safely tucked in his pocket. Jaejin quickly lit it before taking a drag, his mind wandering as it often did these days. It all always came back to one thing, or rather, one person.

Her.

She hadn’t been someone he expected to have feelings for, for girls like her weren’t usually his type. She was young, she was innocent, and perhaps there was a part of him that enjoyed that. He enjoyed the idea of being the first of many things for someone. Was that twisted of him? Demented? Perhaps. But aside from that, she had presented a challenge to Jaejin that he, if he was being honest, didn’t frequently run into.

She was practically immune to his flirting and charisma. He constantly found himself having to work triple as hard to convince her of the way he felt. If he was being honest, he wasn’t sure exactly when his feelings started, all he knew was that he needed to confess quickly before she got swept away from him.

Rejection.

It stung, he’ll openly admit that. Her rejection was out of fear, he knew that much, and it was understandable. He was a “big-time idol” as some had put it, and he knew he had to prove to her that he was genuine and that his feelings were real. He was determined to let her know that he wasn't just playing a game and that he truly cared about her. And so he stopped his bad habits, the flirting, the drinking, the smoking. All of it. For her.

It wasn’t easy to admit to himself just how easily she had had him wrapped around her pretty little fingers. And then she confessed to him, but it wasn’t what he had expected or wanted. Because while confessing to him, she also confessed that there was another that her heart seemed to be leaning towards. She would go on to explain that she needed time to figure out her true feelings for both and he respected that, even if it hurt. So he waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Jaejin knew from the moment he confessed to her that he would wait for her forever if he needed to. But as time went on he couldn’t help but become more annoyed and hurt. Was it their age difference? The girl she had feelings for was closer in age, they could relate more to things. Was it his career? He wasn’t a fool, he knew his status as an idol could be a burden, especially coming from X.MPIRE. But she never seemed to care about that much.

So what was it? Days, weeks, and even months went by as Jaejin waited for her to make her decision. He knew that he should have just let her go, walked away, and let her be with someone else. But the idea of her being with someone that wasn’t him left a bitter taste in his mouth and he hated it. He took another drag from the cigarette in his hand, his free hand reaching up to brush his hair back and away from his face. It was getting longer, perhaps he should cut it.

It was amazing to realize that he hadn’t smoked in months because of her. His gaze fell to the stick between his fingers and he chuckled darkly. If only she could see him now. Jaejin’s hand slipped into his pocket, taking his phone and searching through his contacts. His thumb hovered over her name for a moment, temptation once again filling him to press it and call her. So many times he contemplated the action, even if only to just hear her voice again through voicemail.

If the Jaejin from before her saw him now, he’d call himself pathetic. Was love really like this? Strong enough to turn him into the pitiful man he currently was? His thumb scrolled past her name and stopped at another, temptation once again filling him. Cherry. No. He couldn’t do that to her. She was a friend he hadn’t found himself cherishing since he met Drei.

He wasn’t stupid, he saw the way she looked at him when she thought he wasn’t paying attention. But he couldn’t give her what she wanted from him. Not now anyway. Maybe not ever. He knew a time would come when they’d have to talk about it, after all, he didn’t want her to waste her time on a pathetic man like him. But for now, he’d pretend to be blissfully unaware of her affection.

Jaejin had to admit that he sometimes found himself basking in it, as ed as it was. Under her not-so-subtle attention and affection, he could forget for a moment that he wasn’t helplessly in love with someone who didn’t want him. Way too soon, his cigarette finished and he flicked the to the ground, stomping on it before letting out a sigh.

His hands slipped into his pockets as he walked away, mindlessly heading towards the nearest convenience store. It would be another sleepless night in the studio, one that required beer and snacks. Jaejin’s mind wandered as he walked, silently wondering why he was feeling so selfish. It wasn’t even like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Both girls deserved better than him, he knew that, but he was open about his love. He knew exactly who he wanted and what he wanted with them. Yet the universe seemed determined to show him all the ways he could never have her.

Perhaps it would be better if he left Seoul. He could retire from the idol life, go back to his hometown, and rebuild the farm, working the land like his parents had always wanted. No. He loved performing too much to give up this life now. He paused as he thought about his siblings. Although they’d probably judge his situation, perhaps one of them could help him. Jaejin quickly fished out his phone, dialing the first name he came across of his siblings, who just so happened to be his only older brother Jihoon.

“Hyung. I know it’s late, sorry about that. Are you busy?” The sleepy grumble of his elder brother came through on his phone, making him chuckle. They spent a few moments catching up, Jihoon sounding more awake as time went on before he finally asked why he had called. Jaejin paused before letting out a sigh. “It’s…about a girl.”

“You? Girl trouble? Jaejin-ah, you haven’t had girl trouble since you were ten. Remember that girl back home you gave a fresh bouquet to and she freaked out because there was a bee in it?” Jaejin rolled his eyes at his brother, easily recalling the memory as he shook his head even though his brother couldn’t see him.

“I was a kid then, this is different.” Jaejin quickly recounted the situation to Jihoon, pausing now and then to keep his emotions in check. “You…really love this girl don’t you Jaejin.” His immediate response was to deny it, but he knew it was a lie before he even said a word. “Yeah…yeah I do.” It hurt his pride to admit it, but it was the truth. But it was complicated.

Perhaps he had made things complicated on his own, but it surely hadn’t been on purpose. Love was a sensitive subject for the man. Jaejin had never felt he was good enough, so he always kept a distance from people. Always at arm's length, never letting them past the walls he had built. He was attractive, he knew that, but he wasn't as personable as his siblings. It made it easier to stop himself from getting close to feeling anything even close to love for someone that wasn’t family.

That was his biggest confusion. How did /she/ of all people manage to bypass his defenses, when even his friends couldn’t? Even Cherry, whom he had known for years no, hadn’t managed to budge beyond where he kept her. How did she wiggle her way into his cold playboy heart and make him want to give up everything for her?

His frustration only continued to grow the more he thought about it. She changed him so much, made him fall in love with her, want to be a better person, only to leave him in the dust for another. “Listen, I can’t give you much advice in terms of romance, but I can give you some life advice.” Jaejin rolled his eyes again. He should have known his philosophical brother would take the opportunity to turn his problems into a life lesson.
He sighed and made a gesture with his hand, forgetting for a moment that the other couldn’t see him. “Get on with it then hyung, come on.” A deep chuckle rang in his ears. “Always the smartass. My advice is this. Self-reflect. You’re a great guy, and while I’ve never approved of this…playboy lifestyle, you’re also a grown man and can do as you please. But as great as you are, I mean you’re a Nam for crying out loud, there must be a reason this girl didn’t choose you.”

“It could simply be that she isn’t the right one for you, there’s always that possibility. But consider too that perhaps you need to work on that flirty, playboy nature of yours a bit more. You said you changed but…you changed for her right? And you went back to your old ways when things were said and done? Maybe that was part of the problem, maybe she wanted to see a more permanent change in your behavior? Have you talked to her and asked her why?”

No. The idea crossed his mind several times of course, but he knew he couldn’t handle being in front of her. He was in too much pain, he wasn’t sure what he would do or say and would never forgive himself if he had hurt her in any way. “No, I didn’t. I don’t plan on it either.” His brother sighed, “Very well. Why don’t you come over? We can have a few drinks and talk some more okay?”

✵ #doublec_monogue_part_one.


❝ every pieces of me aches for you. ❞

( https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zRhH1iPMTJxTNyx904IM0nNRL_WcnAJxAviLApK7QCo/edit?usp=drivesdk )

11.00 PM

It has been half an hour since Kim Yura arrived back at her penthouse, but if someone came over, they might think that the penthouse was empty as it was lack of any human activity nor any lights even though it was deep in the night, only the moonlight shine through the glass window, gently illuminating the wide room. While in truth, the owner of the property was there, sitting down on the floor, her back rested against the end of her bed, eyes empty as she just stared at the view from her bedroom’s window, on her right side, a pink envelope; already crumpled, laid there as the silent witness and on her left side, a crystal decanter filled with whiskey still on her hold.

She did not know how long it had been since she sat down there, reading her letter, over and over again even though she knew that it would just inflict more pain into her heart. She even thought that there were no more tears left for her to shed as she had been crying the moment she was safe inside her house’s confinement without anyone who could ask her what was wrong.

Kim Yura was a total mess.

And the cause of it? It was none other than a woman named Miyawaki Sakura. The woman whom she started to meet just like any other flings of hers. Being in the same company made it easier for them to have secret rendezvous every time they have free schedules. Fooling around in the company rooms, or coming over to Sun’s place. Yes, this very room witnessed everything. The walls were listening to every lewd noises to the soft whispers they exchanged.

And after quite a while, that damned feeling surfaced.

After her first bad breakup, Sun told herself that she would never let anyone in anymore. She did not know exactly when her feelings for Sakura bloomed or how she fell for her. Was it because of the cherry blossom’s playfulness? Her thoughtfulness? Or the way she held her during the time she needed consolation?

It could be a mix of them all. She honestly didn’t care, all she knew was she broke her own promise to herself by falling in love with Sakura. At first it scared her. But she finally let her heart do the talking, letting her act upon her feelings for the Japanese girl. To genuinely show that she, too, could change to be a better woman.

No more playing around. No more one-night stands, No more flirting with random women. Only with her. Suffice to say, her feelings for Miyawaki Sakura was big enough to make her change her way of living.

But then everything changed.

Just like the passing season, spring is gone, replaced by summer and then autumn has arrived. The Japanese girl started to put some distance between them. Avoiding her like a plague. Rejecting every invitation that Sun sent. She couldn’t even see her that often in the Novalux building anymore. Text replied much much later, and sometimes left in seen. Calls always went straight to the voicemail. And the first thing that crossed Kim Yura’s mind was if she made a huge mistake to the other girl.

For the first time in her life, she felt the fear of being abandoned.

It was such a foreign feeling for her and she was helpless. Didn’t know how to handle that kind of feeling. She was desperate. She needed the answer of why she would do that to her. What did she do wrong which resulted in this kind of treatment? She tried to ask around about Sakura but everyone didn’t give her the answer she wanted.

Then cold, harsh wintertime arrived. Sakura was gone. Just like that. As if disappearing to the thin air. Without any trace but Sun’s broken heart.

She could still recall that night when she learned that Sakura had terminated her contract with the label and even leaving everything behind her, Sun was on her knees, body shaking as she cried her eyes out. Fist pounding against her chest as a futile attempt to ease the pain she felt inside, only to stop after exhaustion took over and she passed out on the floor, with tear stricken cheeks.

The next morning, just as she hoped that everything was a nightmare, the cold truth slapped her on her face when she tried to call Sakura’s number, just to hope that the short haired girl would pick up the telephone and laugh at her, telling her that it all was just a prank. But when she is greeted by “The number you’re trying to reach is no longer available.” everything came back like an ice bucket was being poured over her body. With a shaky hand, she tried to make use of her connection and power, asking her father’s right hand man to track Miyawaki Sakura down, but it also ended in vain.

Maybe that was the last straw for Kim Yura as she slowly tried to accept that this time, it was her who was being abandoned. Being left behind. The transition wasn’t an easy path. It took everything in her to not turn to alcoholic drinks just to numb the pain. Luckily for her, her love for working out helped her as she focused her attention on the boxing class she took. Channeling her frustration to the sandbag, punching it with all her might.

Now when she thought that she had fully healed, a light about Sakura’s whereabouts appeared in the form of her little sister and the pink envelope with their polaroid picture in it. Just as she thought that she’s fine now, her resolution crumbled down again the moment she received Ayaka’s text.

Came the meeting time with her and Sun was stunned to see how scarily similar the two sisters are. She was almost running over to hug the younger girl but she then remembered that it was Ayaka, not Sakura. Finally, she knew where Sakura was and of course, the message came with a goodbye. To be honest, Sun couldn’t even remember much about what Ayaka told her as her mind was busy blocking out the beautiful memories between her and Sakura that most likely would make her end up crying right there, and she didn’t want to cry in front of other people.

‘So Sakura indeed left because she knew about my feelings for her’ was the only thought in her mind. ‘Settled in Japan… and will never return.’ She repeated those words like a mantra in her head even as she bid farewell to the younger Miyawaki and even when she told her manager that she’d go back home instead to the dorm.

Her body was in autopilot mode. She couldn’t remember how she managed to get inside her penthouse, to her bedroom and even taking that decanter along the way. As she sat down and read the letter from Sakura, without realizing, her tears started to flow freely again. The pain that she had a hard time to bury, resurface again, tearing a bigger hole inside her heart as now the finality of the situation is clear to her.

She will never come back. To her life or even to Seoul.

Her right hand gripped and crumpled the poor letter as she cried for a while before she took a big gulp of the whiskey with her left hand. She needed it. To help her to go through the night. She did not want to cry herself to sleep anymore. She didn’t want to be drowned in self pity anymore.

But why did it still feel as if someone ripped her heart out? Leaving her bleeding dry? She took another gulp and after gulp until she felt burn but Sun didn’t care. Only for tonight, maybe she would let her weak self to appear again, tomorrow she will be a new person.

Tomorrow she shall smile to the world as if nothing was wrong. Smile as if everything is fine. Smiling as if she is fine. That was one of her jobs as an idol anyway. Tomorrow, Kim Yura will be tucked back. Only Pandora’s Sun shall be there. Smiling as bright as the sun.

With that in mind, she raised the decanter up to her lips, taking another big gulp of the whiskey, to drink the night away. ”Might as well.” Her dry laughter echoed in the empty room, only for tonight she shall indulge in the bitterness of alcohol.