✵ terrace | 'sirius'

@✵ choi kyungho〘ᴋ〙ˣ.ᵈᵉᵐⁱᵒⁿ Hearing her name fall from his lips was both heartwrenching and relieving. It did nothing to ease the guilt, however. Nayeon chewed on her bottom lip as he spoke, for he made good points. She /did/ think about how he felt, but often too late, not as a part of her decision-making process. It was selfish, she knew that, and it was one of several reasons she believed herself to be unworthy of his love and affection.

But to hear exactly how her decision affected him…it tore her apart. Was there anything she could say to reassure him? Probably not. It didn’t mean she wouldn’t try. “That’s….fair.” She sighed and looked up at him, her eyes pleading. “You make valid points Kyun. And you have no idea just how sorry I am that they even have to be made.”

“I think- no. I /know/ that if it was just pity, it wouldn’t have been this hard, this scary, to deal with. It’s real Kyun. Frankly speaking, I don’t even think I’m capable of playing with someone’s feelings like that. I’ve had it happen to me, you know that. You know that I know how it feels to be played. I’d never do that to someone else, especially you, and especially intentionally.”

“I’m beyond serious. I always was, that’s just my nature. Before I was serious about avoiding all things related to love. But you…you managed to bypass all of that and settle into my heart in a way that no one else has before. I know my family and status mean nothing to you, you always say /me/ and I think that was part of what scared me. Even that time we had dinner, and you demanded we not have any work-related talk.” She chuckled lightly, the memory bringing a ghost of a smile to her lips.

“Working hard is all I’ve ever really known. But you constantly showed me that there is way more to life than just work. You practically demanded it. I’m so used to taking charge and getting things done, of being in control. None of that applied to you though. I couldn’t control /anything/ when it came to you. My jealousy, my worry, my fear…my love. I couldn’t stop it, and at some point I found myself not /wanting/ to stop it.”

She took a deep breath, steeling herself before reaching out to take his hand tentatively, keeping the touch light in case he wanted to pull away. “I’m a coward, I know. I took the cowardly way by running instead of just talking to you like I am now. The truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing Kyun. This has never happened to me before. I don’t know how to handle it or what to do. But I want to learn. I know I have a long way to go, and I understand if you say no or aren’t willing but…will you teach me? I want this…I want /you/…and I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.”

“I know I hurt you, more than you’re telling me. And I know that no amount of apologizing or anything I do could ever truly make up for it. But if you’d allow me, I’d like to at least try.”

@✵ park nayeon〘ʙᴇʟʟᴀ〙ᵖᵃⁿᵈᵒʳᵃ He let her talk and slowly closed off the distance between them. All while keeping attention to each and every word she said. And to be honest, he couldn’t believe what she was saying right now as his eyes gradually widened in surprise at the revelation.

Love. She said she loves him.

Kyungho didn’t even register the rest of her rambling words as those three words were still ringing in his ears. She loves him and that terrified her? He tried to make out any logic from that but it was useless. She said she was terrified of being not good enough. Then again, if they didn’t give it a try, how would she say something like that?

Seeing her right in front of him weakened his resolve, not to mention that Bella was finally spilling out her feelings, the things he wanted to hear the most from her was finally coming out. Even so, Kyungho couldn’t help but to doubt everything. Were all the things she said the truth? What if it was just so he could forgive her?

Thousands of ‘What if's' filled his mind and he couldn’t help it even when the urge to just hug her tightly was getting stronger as time passed with her being so near. He missed her terribly. That was when the sense of betrayal returned again as his mind replayed how he searched for her around the town without knowing she was already on her journey back to Korea.

A loud sigh coming out from his parted lips. As much as he wanted to forgive her, his pain from her action was still fresh, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready to just forgive and forget. He better let her know that, after all, in any kind of relationship, communication is the key for a good relationship.

“I appreciate you telling me all of that.” Kyungho casted his eyes downwards, suddenly the pavement was more interesting than looking at her beautiful face. Knowing that there was no way he could stay mad at her if she kept looking at him with such an intense stare. “I…searched for you all around the town. In the morning when I couldn’t find you and your luggage. Asking every person I see if they saw you and even considered filing a missing person report to the police, only to find out from the hotel staff that you were already leaving in the middle of the night. Do you have any idea how scared I was at that time when I couldn’t find you anywhere, Nayeon?”

Clenching his fists again to suppress the anger that started boiling again, he took a moment before continuing. “You rejected every call, left my messages on the seen, and even when I asked Yura to reach you, you shut me out. Without knowing anything, have you ever given a little thought about how I would feel? I seriously thought that I did something that offended you. That I did something unknowingly that made you hate me. Did you ever think about that even just a tiny bit, Nayeon? Have you ever even considered my feelings at all?”

“You can say you love me but your actions made me believe otherwise.” Shoulders slumped as he let out a dry laughter, feeling defeated and tired. “I don’t know what I should believe anymore.” Finally lifting his head up to look at her, a wry smile appeared on the corner of his lips. “Do you think my feelings for you were so easy? That this feeling that I have for years will be gone just like that? Even I myself was surprised that I still love you even after what you put me through. But I’m done chasing you, Nay. I’m tired. I’ve been there for you through ups and downs in your life but as if it meant nothing for you, you were too scared to open up and chose to run away instead.” Disappointment could clearly be seen in both his eyes and face as he talked, letting her know his inner thoughts.

“There’s no guarantee if in the future you wouldn’t do something like that again when you came into another realization, maybe that it was not love, just a little pity for me. And if that happens… I don’t think I could handle something like that anymore.” He sighed “If you want to make it up to me, I won’t stop you, do whatever you wish. But if it was just out of pity, I suggest you should just find someone else to toy with. Since I don’t want to play any games anymore. I’ve tried to be patient, waiting for you and be there for you all of the time. You know how serious I am about you, so please. I beg you. If you are not being just as serious as I am, leave me alone. The choice is yours.” Kyungho stood firm there, waiting for what she would do after his ultimatum.

Since in all honesty, he knew he would break down if she was just playing with his feelings. He needed to protect what’s left of his heart and hand it to someone even though that someone was someone he loved, if she wasn’t being genuine, he would rather keep everything to himself.

So he waited there, waiting for her to make her call.

@✵ choi kyungho〘ᴋ〙ˣ.ᵈᵉᵐⁱᵒⁿ That crushing guilt washed over her again, threatening to suffocate her. So many things that she wanted to say, but she wasn’t sure what would make things better or make them worse. His scoff hurt more than she thought was possible, tears already threatening to form in her eyes. She was being unfair, she knew, as she didn’t even deserve to cry over such an amazing man. He deserved so much better than what she had given him, than what she continues to give him.

But if there was one thing about Park Nayeon, it was that she never backed downed. She was Park Nayeon for crying out loud. But what good was her name, her family, her reputation, when the one she had come to love was standing before her in a state that /she/ put him in. Even his words, although harsh, rang true to even her own ears. Was she really so predictable? Was she really so broken that she couldn’t even admit to her own feelings?

No.

This wasn’t the time to be so cowardly when faced with her feelings. She let him talk, soaking in every word, having missed his voice, even with it laced with hurt and anger. Her head snapped up to look up at him at his words. Finally face to face, she quickly shook her head, making her way over to him almost frantically.

“Hate you?” It was bewildering to her, the prospect of such an emotion towards him. Romantic feelings aside, he had always been someone she had come to treasure as a good friend, there was no way she could ever hate him. “Kyun…I could never hate you. Q-Quite the opposite really.”

It was no or never. Nayeon knew that she probably wouldn’t have an opportunity to express herself beyond this moment, so she took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment to gather herself before looking at him once more, this time filled with determination to tell him everything she had been meaning to tell him for years. “I said I’m sorry because I am. I never should have left, especially without telling you. And I’m not foolish enough to believe that a simple sorry could fix anything. But I wasn’t sure where to start.”

Don’t be a coward anymore Nayeon. Just ing say it.

“The truth is…I was scared. No. Terrified. Because I had come to a realization and I didn’t know how to handle it. So I…I panicked. Even in my panic I knew I was making an irrational decision, but I made it anyway. I didn’t think it would hurt you to this degree, though I /did/ suspect it would at least upset you.” She took another deep breath, resteeling herself as she managed to move, little by little closing the distance between them. Distance that she had caused.

“I can’t forget them Kyun. You see…the realization I came to? Was that I love you. I’ve loved you for a while now, I just couldn’t see it. Or maybe I didn’t /want/ to see it. I don’t know. What I /do/ know is that I’ve never felt like this for anyone, not even my ex. And that terrifies me. What if I’m not good enough? No. I /know/ I’m not. I mean…there has to be a reason why he cheated right? And I know you’re not him. I /know/ that. But that constantly plays in my head, especially when it comes to you.”

She was rambling now, she knew that. But maybe it was better this way. She could finally get everything she needed off her chest.

“When you invited that reporter woman to watch you play basketball, I admit I was jealous. I tried to deny it by telling myself you were just like the rest of them. But I knew i was lying to myself. I think…I think I started to like you from then. And then when I was in the hospital, you did what you could to be there for me then too. I’m not really sure when it turned into love, maybe it always was love. But I didn’t realize it fully until we were together in Surrey. Being away from everything…I got to see you in a new light. I saw a side of you I wasn’t used to, being around your family, realizing we had a lot more in common than i ever noticed before…it was amazing. And scary.”

Now she was right in front of him, having moved as she spoke to close both the metaphorical and literal distance between them. “I know I ed up. Probably beyond repair. So if you no longer have any feelings for me I understand. If being labelmates, just colleagues, is what you want then I’ll respect it. But if there’s even still just a miniscule chance that your feelings remain…then you should know for certain that I, Park Nayeon, am in love with you Choi Kyungho. And I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize it, and even longer to say it. And I’m sorry that my took the cowardly way instead of telling you upfront from the beginning. If I’ve missed my chance I understand…but if not…I don’t care how long it takes, allow me to make it up to you somehow…”

@✵ park nayeon〘ʙᴇʟʟᴀ〙ᵖᵃⁿᵈᵒʳᵃ He had kind of wished that she would just leave him alone as he wasn’t sure that he could say anything nice to her right now. Not when it took everything in his will power to not just blow out, demanding an answer from her. No. Even though he was truly hurt by her actions, Kyungho couldn’t bear to inflict pain to her with harsh words.

Although he did know that silent treatment could hurt someone ten thousand times worse than harsh words.

Without him having to open his eyes, he was sure that she was still lingering around there. And it was proven when he heard the soft apology came out from her. Initially he thought that his anger issue would disappear after she apologized but on the contrary, it only made things worse for him. He waited. Just in case she would say something else after that apology. He waited again for her, as if that was the only thing that he knew about. To wait.

Maybe Choi Kyungho was just tired of waiting.

Brows furrowed in a frown. That apology didn’t settle nicely for him. Was that it? After what she’d done and all she could say was just a simple “I’m sorry?” Without him able to stop, a little scoff escaped from him as he crossed his arms on his chest, eyes were still closed as an attempt to block her existence there.

His chest heaved up and down as he tried to calm himself down. It wouldn’t do him any good if he lost his composure there. It was still a public space after all, everyone could walk in and if they saw him explode to a woman who is far smaller than him, he would have to deal with nasty rumors, and it wouldn’t be good for his group.

So, what does he do? He waited again. For her to say anything else and not just that short I’m sorry. Anything that could calm the raging storm inside him that was more than ready to be unleashed.

But he only met with silence. And as time passed, he grew more impatience.

“That’s it?” His tone sounded harsher than he intended to, laced with venom caused by disappointment and anger. “I should’ve known better than to expect anything from you.” Kyungho stood up, his eyes finally set on Bella’s tiny frame. He had to clenched his fists in order to not just run towards her and pull her into his embrace.

No. He had done his part. More than enough.

What exactly did he want to hear from her anyway? Maybe aside from just those simple apologetic words that almost didn’t sound so sincere, he wanted her to explain why she left him like that. Or any kind of rejection for his feelings. Anything more than just what she just said to him.

If she wasn’t going to talk, then maybe he should.

“You know.” He started, trying so hard to keep his voice down “If you don’t want me. Or if my feelings for you start to become a burden for you. Or if you hate me… You can just say so. Spare me that I’m sorry bull and say it right away to my face and not take a cowardly way out, Park Nayeon-ssi.”

Even he himself winced at his cold tone towards her. Never could he ever imagine that there would be a day when he would talk to her like this.

“So if you have nothing better to say, let’s just pretend that everything that happened between us, not that any anyway, never happened. The dates, the gifts, the flowers… You can just forget them. None of that matters anymore. I got the message.” His heart was breaking, again, but this time because of his own words and he did his best to not let any tear roll down. “From now on, we are just a labelmate. Co-workers and nothing more.”

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@✵ choi kyungho〘ᴋ〙ˣ.ᵈᵉᵐⁱᵒⁿ Nayeon could feel her heart shattering into a million pieces. He hadn’t said a word, and yet he said so much. It took all of her willpower to not burst into tears as he brushed past her. One might say it was cruel of him to treat her in such a way. But was it really? Or was it simply her karma finally giving her what she deserved.

If she thought about it, perhaps /she/ was the cruel one. To an outsider, it would seem as if she had strung him along all these years, but the truth was that she was terrified. Kyungho had provided a stability and comfort in ways that Nayeon wasn’t used to. And it scared her. That fear let to irrational moves, like leaving the love of your life stranded in a foreign land. She paused at the doors of the elevator as they closed behind her, leaving the two of them along on the rooftop.

She didn’t dare to move closer just yet, not when his aura was so dark. In all the years she had known the man, she had never seen him in such a state, and she knew she was the cause. But it was one thought that kept playing in her head. She was an idiot, that much she knew. All these years, she had been terrified to fall for him, not realizing that she already had. If one were to analyze the whole time they had known each other, it probably would be easy to tell when Nayeon started to have her own feelings.

The basketball game. She remembers it like it was yesterday, mainly because she hadn’t felt jealousy like that in years. Not since her first boyfriend, and he had cheated on her. Perhaps that was why she denied it so strongly. Kyungho had invited her to watch him play, and like a schoolgirl in love, she happily accepted and was excited. She even had gotten dressed up to watch him play…only to find another girl there that he had also invited. Just a friend, he had reassured her, and while she wanted to believe him, she was hurt and jealous.

The other woman had looked much more sophisticated than her, older and more beautiful too. She was a reporter who had been doing a special on Kyungho and wanted candid shots for her piece. Business. That was something that Nayeon understood all too well. Yet still, it was a sting that Nayeon hadn’t expected, and it had only made her more apprehensive to allow herself to fall.

Anyone could look at Kyungho and see he was attractive, but that wasn’t what drew her in. It was his persistence, his resilience, his patience. His compassion and understanding, his respect. The love he has for his family and friends, never wavering. But how long would it truly last? Maybe a part of her kept looking for him to give up and walk away, so she could feel justified in feeling like he would be the same as the others.

But every step of the way he proved her wrong. Even now, when he had every right to lash out at her, he stood calm and collected, even as she could see the raging storm within him just waiting to come out. The longer she stood there the more things she wanted to say. In the end, she crept closer, wanting to make sure he could hear her but still give him the space he seemed to require. “I’m sorry.” Her voice carried along the wind towards her love, and she only hoped that he could understand all the unspoken things she wanted to say as well.

@✵ park nayeon〘ʙᴇʟʟᴀ〙ᵖᵃⁿᵈᵒʳᵃ Making his way from the parking lot towards the elevator was none other than Choi Kyungho, although it seemed like something that happened all the time but it’s been a few days since everyone has been avoiding him on purpose. He didn’t know the reason nor care about it anyway. But if you ask the others who saw him, simply because his aura was almost…murderous.

The usually kind and nice guy was replaced by a cold and always glaring one. It was as if he was in a constantly bad mood everyday and no one knew the reason why. Though his close friends might say that it has something to do with his last vacation to England. Some said that he got his heart broken to pieces there, which is extremely close to the truth.

As he waited for the elevator, Kyungho’s mind took him back to what happened in Surrey, England. The vacation which was supposed to be one happy memory easily became one of the vacations he loathed. Just as everything was looking good, it disappeared in a blink of an eye. Four years. He had been chasing, waiting and loving Park Nayeon for a whole four years. Despite the initial rejection from the lady, he didn’t waver. He knew she was hurt before and he was determined to show her that if she gave him the chance, he would love her with all of his heart and protect her heart.

His friends called him stupid. While it would be very easy for him to choose any woman he wanted to have, why would he waste his time waiting for someone who would never look his way? Kyungho would just laugh at them, saying that what he felt for her was real and no one could replace her in his heart. That’s why to prove how serious he was, he didn’t mind waiting for her; waiting until Bella was ready to accept him while little by little showering her with his affection, to always be there for her whenever she needed someone. He would selflessly do that simply just to make her more comfortable around him, at some point he did consider giving up about confessing, but never once did he want to give up to be her pillar of support.

Then as time went by, Kyungho saw that she was accepting more of his gesture, and even went to have a little “date” even though in her words, it was just a business dinner. But since it was just the two of them, he banned her from talking about work through the night and that night ended up being one of the best nights in his life.

That’s why after a lot of consideration, he invited her to go with him to England. By using the excuse of his father opening a new hotel there which he had to attend and was required to bring someone, he asked Bella to come, with an additional excuse being she used to study in England so she had to be his tour guide.

Everything went smoothly at first, they even joked around inside the car, having a blast at the gala dinner party, and he even managed to introduce her to his family (mainly father and uncle). Everything was perfect. So why did they have to end that disastrously?
The next morning after the party was the beginning of it all. Her suitcases were gone, K couldn’t reach her phone, no matter how many times he tried to call her. In his state of panic, he searched for her throughout the city, asking the people if they saw her, only for all of them to say no. Afraid that something bad happened, Kyungho even considered calling the police to file a missing person report when the receptionist from last night told him that she left the hotel at midnight.

Why?

That simple question was still left unanswered until now. He felt a lot of things. Disappointment, anger, sadness, and most of all, betrayal. Never in his whole life he ever felt something like this. If she, even after all of these years, still didn’t feel the same way like he does, Kyungho would rather have her say it out loud instead of doing the disappearing act like that. Flat out rejection would taste better than being ghosted.

Once he landed back in Korea, he even asked Sun to help him to get through Bella but it was the same answer, Bella refused.

SIghing quietly as the elevator arrived at the basement level, Kyungho chose to go to the rooftop first to clear up his head, not wanting his really sour mood to affect his schedule for the day. Choosing to lean against the elevator’s wall, Kyungho closed his eyes, all while trying to set his mood to be at least friendly enough when it stopped at another level before the rooftop (he knew without having to open his eyes since the ride was so short) and only opening his eyes when he heard his name whispered in a shocked tone.

Fate was indeed the bearer of cruelty.

There. There she was. Standing in front of him inside the tiny confinement of the elevator. The one lady he had desperately trying to reach, to ask why would she do something like that. But as he landed his gaze upon her, all he could feel was anger and disappointment. Was it still worth it to hold his feelings for her after what she’s done?

Stuffy. He needs to get out of there.

That was when he noticed that the both of them were heading towards the rooftop. He cursed in his head at the bad play of fate today. He was about to reach out to choose a different floor to get out when he realized that it was a bit too late, as the elevator dinged again, opening right at the rooftop entrance.

Wordlessly, he walked past her. As if she wasn’t there. If that is how she wanted to be, then so be it. She was the one who made the first move by disappearing, he was just following; like always. His arm brushed over her shoulder as he walked out towards the rooftop garden, choosing to sit at the far corner, leaning back while closing his eyes.

Today was not a good day to face Park Nayeon. And maybe not any time soon.

@✵ choi kyungho〘ᴋ〙ˣ.ᵈᵉᵐⁱᵒⁿ Guilt.

Never in her life had she ever felt such a strong emotion before. Not even the nervousness and excitement of debuting, nor the first win, or the first world tour, none of it compared to the guilt that ate away at Park Nayeon. Why did she did it? Even she didn't really know the answer. If asked, she'd say she panicked, which was true. But why? All she did was come to a realization, that she was, in fact, falling for Choi Kyungho. It was a good thing, that much she knew. So why was she acting like it was the worst thing that could happen?

Since being back in Korea, she'd taken to avoiding Kyungho as much as possible. She stopped responding to his texts, his calls, she didn't even know if he was still in Surrey or had already figured out she was gone and returned to Korea himself. Frankly speaking, she didn't know how to face him after what she had done. There was no way she could make that right, she wasn't that naive. But surely there was /something/ that she could to to salvage what they had. An anxious Nayeon continued to pace the hallway as she thought, her fingers playing with the hem of her blouse.

He had always been a constant for her over the last few years, perhaps, subconsciously, a part of her took that for granted. He had never wavered in his affection towards her and always respected that she needed time and space. She didn't make it easy, she knew that. Love had burned her and left her bitter, not wanting /anything/ to do with the subject and avoiding it at all costs. He knew that, and still......."Oh Nayeon what have you done." She whispered to herself.

Suddenly the air in the hall felt suffocating, and she needed air, fresh air. Hastily, she made her way to the elevator, pressing the button a few times as she bounced on her feet. The ding was enough for her, and she was slipping inside before the doors had even fully opened. Pressing the button for the rooftop, she chewed on her lip before letting her head fall to the wall. Looking over, her eyes widened as her back straightened, face pale as she was confronted with the one person she had been avoiding this whole time. "K-Kyungho..."

@✵ liu haoming〘ᴋᴀᴍʀɪɴ〙ᵗʳᵃᶦⁿᵉᵉ As they were slowly but surely approaching the peak of summer, the weather outside was typically quite nice, which was pretty much inviting him not to spend all of his time locked up in practice rooms inside the company building. Even though the rooms were equipped with air conditioning which allowed him a balanced temperature, today offered a light breeze that helped tune down the heat, and hence it felt like the perfect chance to soak up a bit of sun. Bringing along an acoustic guitar, he climbed up to the terrace and took up one of the white seats, picking up one of the stone ashtrays on his way. The terrace was thankfully calm, a few people coming upstairs for some fresh air or a smoke break, but overall it was quiet and allowed him some peace and space. He kept a lit cigarette between his lips, his instrument over his lap, and the sketched-up notebook on the seat next to him as he moved his fingers through the strings and proceeded to note down whatever sounded good to him in the process of hopefully composing a brand new song for the band.